Out of the Blue

i am a star

2012-01-13T12:00:00.002-05:00

I've been feeling down lately because of relationship issues (as if it wasn't that obvious looking at my sappy blurbs) and work-related uncertainties.

My anxiety level has increased to more than usual. I dream about work the night before if only to have a nightmare about not giving medications on time. Oh the horror.

My saving grace as I called it the moment I saw it was a star pin given to me by a patient. He donated some money to the hospital on my behalf.

I wear my pins (2 in 4 years of service) to remind myself that I still make a difference. Who knew such a small thing can make me feel better. :)

hello and goodbye

2012-01-05T13:55:00.002-05:00

dear blog,

will i regret your existence eventually? am i foolish to keep a public journal of my life even if no one is really reading it?
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dear life,

i realized that i don't like making lemonades out of the lemons that you give me. it's sour regardless of the countless sugar packets i pour. can i be given something different for a break? thanks.

besides, it feels like i'm merely breaking down instead of being stronger. it is a character flaw i recognize too well.

i'm singing - smile while your heart is aching.
-------------------
dear career,

where are you taking me? should i start to look for something different? the stress level you bring me on a daily basis is starting to wear me out. the regrets, worries and anger is constantly adding on.

tell me it will be better.

tell me i'm still making a difference.
-------------------
dear new year,

hello.

i am looking forward to what you have in store for me. will i be travelling? will there be more laughter than tears? i certainly hope so.

i am really not asking for too much.
-------------------
dear God,

please keep me strong in mind, body and spirit. may i be an example of what it is to be a christian person even if its only a fraction of Your definition in my thoughts, words and actions.

what happens next

2011-12-18T23:24:00.002-05:00

My mind is full of clutter - thoughts of anger, sadness and confusion.

I have no idea what to do that every time I think about it, my chest begins to tighten.

I'm conflicted.

Stay and be happy with whatever happens. Risky. Stupid. Bliss.

Leave and be strong. Safe. Smart. Heartbreak.

say a little prayer

2011-11-15T11:12:00.002-05:00

I pray for strength.

To know when to hold on and when to let go.

I pray for clarity.

To understand things as a whole and not just parts.

I pray for guidance.

To know what is is right and what to do.

But most of all, I pray for peace of mind.

-------------------

I feel heavy. I have that sinking feeling something is wrong. Something is yet again out of place. I can't talk about it too much with anyone because everything I will do and have done is and was my decision.

it's seasonal

2011-11-02T11:04:00.003-04:00

It was a strange dream.

My family and I were leaving. All our bags, including sleeping bags, were packed and stacked inside the jeepney. We hugged my aunts, uncles (including one who already passed away*) and relatives while saying our goodbyes.

The whole street was lined with our neighbors and family as we waved our hands. I had that heavy feeling knowing I won't see them for a long time.

There were people in my dream who I haven't seen for years. Some who I don't even know why they were in my dream in the first place. :S

* To my uncle - I still miss you. It was nice to see you if only for a little bit. This is not the first time I said goodbye to you in a dream and I have a feeling it won't be the last. Your laugh and your good nature will be with us forever.
-------------------------------------------

If no one reads me do I still matter?

I'll find out in a few years from now when I look back at how my life was. :)
------------------------------------------

My patience for anything and anyone that irks me is getting exceptionally short. I feel like work has taken a lot out of me (more so recently) and without those little breaks wherein I get to vent or laugh, I will eventually blow at someone. Burst for their rudeness, demands and ungrateful ways.

One more implied comment about how their taxes pay for me and I will just have to say, "don't you think I pay enough taxes to not be treated like shit?".

Sigh.

---------------------------------

It's November.
Hello Christmas decorations.
Hello winter.

Guilty conscience

2011-10-21T04:03:00.003-04:00

I have said something wrong.

I know this because I woke up at four in the morning, all of a sudden, thinking about it.

Funny how the mind works.

For what's it worth, I am sorry.

question and answer portion

2011-10-17T20:41:00.003-04:00

The many questions that I am faced every single social gathering:

- When is your time?
- Did you guys talk about getting married yet?
- Did you tell him that you want to get married soon?
- So... when will we get our invitation to your event?
- When do I get to buy the dress to wear at your wedding?

Sigh.

This coming week, I will be faced with these same questions. My only weapons are my I'm-as-clueless-as-you-smile, let's-change-the-topic-maneuver and awkward-face-until-everyone-is-uncomfortable-look.

Wish me luck?

Erm.

no more drama

2011-10-12T10:07:00.002-04:00

When it rains, it pours.

I'm quite annoyed at the turn of events. Apparently it's not just marriages that Facebook can ruin, even family relationships.

I hate it when people decide to air their dirty laundry. Why not pick a few choice friends or family to divulge every minute detail of your life through a phone call or even better personally rather than post and then tag everyone to see? Then wonder where the gossip comes from? Well, duh.

Ugh.

-----------------

Aside from that stressful turn of events, I came to work and found an envelope from the attorney general. I guess I might be called to court for something I don't remember. Great.

Is it time to move on and actually think about doing something else?

A manager recently approched me and casually asked what if I have any plans. I was dumbfounded enough to not have a decent response. She questioned my lack of interest to pursue a Master's degree which will open up more possibilities. Apparently I manage the floor quite well while being calm under pressure. Interesting.

She gave me until next week to let her know what the future looks for me.

Erm.

Unmotivated is what I am.

My enthusiasm even went a notch lower after that letter. Sigh.
------------------

End of woe-is-me post.

boo hoo

2011-09-28T23:59:00.003-04:00

I need to change.

Things definitely need to change.

If only I can snap my fingers and actually feel the way I want to feel and act the way I need to act.

If only it was that easy.

Until then, hello self-pity party with one person on the guest list, let me sing myself to sleep - it's my party and I'll cry if I want to.

who, what, where

2011-09-19T10:37:00.002-04:00

I've been lazy and boring to say the least. Not bored mind you, boring. Erm.

Work is work. At the desk - smile and problem solve. At the bedside - smile and run around. It's not the same anymore. Moments wherein I feel I am genuinely a nurse and not someones maid seems far in between. I am a drama queen.

Home is home. My days off were spent lounging in my pjs with a bottomless tea cup and random snacks - a true couch potato (yes, I googled how to spell that). And of course, remote on one hand and the laptop on another. I'm cool like that. Or not.

Aside from that, I'm at J's nagging at how much of a guy's place it is. If I were a maid, I would have made so much money. We made a bet, I will pay $100 if I come and the place is reasonably clean and he will pay if it's dirty according to my low(ered) standards. So far, one win for me. Sigh.

Are we caught up yet?

Same old, same old.

bizzaro world

2011-08-11T14:09:00.002-04:00

I had a dream that a bunny was stepping on my foot and that I couldn't get out no matter what.

It was weird.

Did I mention I was also chasing after a green pig*?

---------------------

Remind me that when it's my time to get married, I will try not to leave a lot of things at the last minute.

Sigh.

----------------------

* the pig actually resembles a stuff toy from childhood

letter#1

2011-08-05T18:52:00.002-04:00

Dear blog,

I haven't abandoned you yet.

Love,

a month already?

2011-07-08T01:33:00.004-04:00

A friend from back home messaged me asking for some monetary help for some problem I didn't want to question too much. I asked for a general answer and didn't bother to know the details. I agreed to help with some reservations because there are times even I have to say no to family. Almost everyday there was a message waiting for me when I can send it and that it is needed right away.

It's been almost 3 days since I sent it without so much as an acknowledgement it was received.

I don't want a "I-owe-you-a-lot" response, but rather know that my money went somewhere it was suppose to be. Is that too much to ask?
----------------
* a guy with a black folder approached me *

Guy: Hi there. Where are you going?
Me: On my way home.
Guy: Would you like to be a superhero today?
Me: I already work in a hospital.

* I recognized the binder from a few young people scattered around the area asking for money for a charity. I do support a few charities every now and then but there are times that I know I can say no without guilt. Not all help is measured by how much money I give. *
---------------------

I want to fly like the guys who jumped out of the helicopters.
I want a car like Bumblebee that would play me songs that fits my mood and the situation.
I want to have a friend like Optimus Prime that will never let me down.

sigh

2011-06-07T19:06:00.004-04:00

taken from: http://www.asofterworld.com/

post-vacation blues.

lost for words.

nothing big but annoying nonetheless.

sigh.

must. enjoy. the. sunshine.

i need an intervention

2011-05-26T00:50:00.002-04:00

I went shopping. Again.

Sigh.

My bank statement is filled with random purchases and is definitely on its all time high this month. I was only suppose to buy a dress for a wedding and I came out of the mall with a dress and two spring/fall jackets. Wt. I am contemplating on returning one of them but knowing how lazy I can be, might mean I'll have to just wear it until I use it for what its worth.
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I have been staying at J's place to play house. It just means I pretend it's my place and clean and cook as if I live there by myself. For the two days I stayed, J was at work for 10 hours and home for 30 minutes to eat then leave for another 4 hours for school.

I cooked/experimented in the kitchen and much to my dismay, I only liked two out of four. J insisted it was all good and I say he's just afraid that I will never cook again if he criticized it (which of course may be true). :S He said I should try to cook sinigang and adobo next - I say don't hold his breath.

Weirdly enough, I find touching raw meat a little iffy. I would go with baking but measuring everything is a little tedious. Even looking for the ingredients was tiresome. I think I am not made for cooking.

Until that becomes more apparent, I am looking forward to the next dish on the list :)

early morning babble

2011-05-21T05:30:00.003-04:00

the aftermath of night shifting is insomnia.

insomnia serves me well when i have to work nights because i can last the twelve hour shift without some sort of nap/break. unfortunately, it carries over for a few days which will leave me sleeping for three hours, if i'm lucky, before a 12 hour day shift.

sigh. the life of a nurse.

----------------

weirdly enough, sleeping around 1 and waking up at 3 in the morning can be productive - which may be a relative and loose term. erm.

- i finally caught up on watching two episodes of antm. morocco, you're officially on the list of places i would like to visit.
- two loads of laundry
- i can finally walk around the room with my eyes closed. the chances of falling flat on my face because of a shopping bag is less likely to happen now. it just shows how much i've been out of control. eek.
- conversation about one particular ER case my friend had to deal with. i am still speechless and horrified. wt.

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shopping list want:
- perfume: i rarely wear one yet i want to buy this particular one i tried yesterday
- bag: the softest leather bag. why are you so expensive?
- rain boots: i "need" one.
- more tea: i have decided that my tim hortons affair must end and from now on will bring my own loose leaf tea to brew at work :)

i feel old

2011-05-16T14:20:00.002-04:00

Friday: I left work in the middle of my 12 hour shift, at 1 am because of the pain on my left hip. Thankfully, we had an extra nurse who took over my patients. I couldn't really go home because I lost my keys and left my cellphone at J's car which only left me with one other option. I ended up taking a taxi to J's place since I have keys to his place that cost me $60. Erm.

Saturday: I called in sick knowing that I would be useless if I come with a limp. I slathered ointment on me every few hours to alleviate the pain with a dose of Advil for comfort. J was my slave for the day too for sleeping instead of picking me up. He said it was the most expensive sleep he's ever had. :S

Sunday: I still felt pain but since I have a student who needed to start, I convinced myself it would be okay. I think I restrained my hip - if that is possible because it's not as bad anymore. Who knew lifting heavy people has its benefits? :S

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It seems like I've been shopping almost every week. Erm.

My credit card bills are starting to scare me especially after booking our trip to Disney. I rarely carry any debt montly because I have a strict policy on only buying things I can afford. Hopefully it doesn't mean that I would have to take money out of my savings account. :(

I'm excited for our vacation though. It would be nice to feel like a kid again - minus the fact that my credit card will definitely be abused during those days.

meet my new friend

2011-05-11T22:53:00.000-04:00

I can be spontaneous - sometimes.

I can be impulsive - almost all the time.

I was so excited, we used up the film within 3 hours.

I then couldn't wait to see the result that I went to the nearest mall to have my film developed only to come home disappointed. What do you mean you send it somewhere else?? What do you mean you don't have an hour to develop service anymore? Sigh. This only makes me want to buy a polaroid camera next.

The ever growing list. :)

and then a zombie was born

2011-05-10T14:35:00.002-04:00

It's been months since I've done two weeks of night shift. Since my coworker doesn't need to be on permanent nights starting this week, we won't be switching shifts anymore.

Sigh.

It was good while it lasted.

I wasn't able to sleep during my break except for the 15 minutes I put my head down just to rest my eyes. Unfortunately, my mind and body would only allow me to sleep after I get home for 3 consecutive hours and then it becomes sleep-for-10-wake-up-sleep-for-10 cycle which can be more tiring.

Such is the life of a nurse.

Oh, by the way, it's Nurses Week. :)

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I booked our trip to Disney for June. There's finally something to look forward to again!

Did I mention it would be my third time to this magical world? :D

It's good to feel like a kid every now and then. The adult world can be frustrating and challenging as it is rewarding.

may-oh-may

2011-05-06T10:46:00.003-04:00

Random generator:

- Does spring really have to mean rainy days almost every day? The weather forecast seems to be: rain-cloudy-sunshine-rain-rain etc.
- I was designated as the coordinator for a co-worker's bridal shower/dinner. Since the dollar store was more of an effort to find in downtown, I opted to go to an adult store for a fake bridal veil. It was interesting for a lack of a better word. :S
- It seems like I'm experiencing randomly localized sharp pain on my head more often than usual. It doesn't help that I work on a neuro unit which leads me to become more paranoid for what the possibilities could be.
- I have a student to follow me around for three months again. This means that I have to think twice before I give away shifts or ask for vacation. The good thing is that I cannot be in-charge for a while.
-------------------

The cherry blossoms will be out this weekend! I hope it doesn't rain. :(
-------------------

I had a dream that the scale said I'm 120 lbs. :D

In reality, a skirt I bought last year does not fit me anymore. Hmp.
Pro: possibly gaining weight
Con: buying new clothes

im 27 now, i think

2011-04-28T13:04:00.002-04:00

I don't know when I stopped keeping track of my age. Almost every single time it comes up, I usually have to take a moment to think. Un/fortunately, I'm not the only one confused because my parents forgot to greet me on my birthday too. Erm.

-----------------------

I actually feel older.
Hmmm.

----------------------

Retail therapy is stressing me. I have been buying random things when I go to the mall. I was going to buy a gift for someone else and left with shoes for myself instead. I intended to buy a dress for a wedding I will be attending and ended up getting a white dress that I would not dare wear to someone else's wedding. Erm.

the sun will come out

2011-04-07T11:59:00.003-04:00

I need a pick-me-upper. ----------------------------- I miss the library. I spent a good portion of my highschool lunch breaks in a cubicle eating my sandwich and finishing homework because I'm not a social butterfly. I think I developed the eye on the back of my head during those days to make sure the librarian doesn't catch me shoving food down my throat. Erm. University days weren't much of a difference. This time it wasn't because I didn't feel like talking to people, it was more of a necessity. My friends and I would book a room and review pages and pages of material only to bail out an hour early to window shop. Even weekends were not spared. The closest I get to that library feel nowadays would be at book stores. Browsing and not buying because I already made a mental note to download the book instead. Maybe one of these days. -------------------- Happy thoughts: - cherry blossom season is approaching! (I hope I didn't/don't miss it) - birthday week is approaching - two weeks off work (balanced by two weeks of being the charge nurse - a little bittersweet)

calm is the word

2011-03-22T22:07:00.002-04:00

Allow me to vent:

There are times when at least half of my energy is solely devoted to stopping myself from blurting out - what the fuck is your problem?

I'm a fairly patient person so I am not exaggerating when I say that I've reached my boiling point. Sometimes I want to say, if you don't have the balls to say half of the things you mumble in my face or the decency to look me in the eye, then shut up.

I am not one to swear, so when I do, I mean it.

I am just so fucking irritated.

I really needed to vent so I can get it out of my system.

click

2011-03-18T10:40:00.003-04:00

Something positive for a change:

I finally bought myself new lens for my underused camera. Hopefully, it will reignite my dormant creative self.

-----------
J: You don't like the lens that I got you?
me: It's okay but I told you I liked this one better.

* he refused to buy me the lens because he thought it was too cheap *

Hmp!
----------

Another reason to celebrate: Goodbye student loans!

question

2011-03-12T14:38:00.002-05:00

When does a headache stop being just a headache?

pitter patter

2011-03-10T23:54:00.002-05:00

There's something about tonight that's making me feel iffy. The sound of rain doesn't exactly help to alleviate the anxiety I'm experiencing at this moment. It's almost impossible to think of positive things and with the lights off, there's no distraction either.

In the heat of the moment, I looked at him only to find myself staring at someone who wasn't there. Unfortunately, I have no control over my emotions. I'm not even sure if I laughed or cried as soon as I noticed it but I do know that tears filled my eyes as soon as I absorbed what went on.

Tonight, I believe raising the white flag is appropriate. I give up. Maybe there is no point in controlling something or more appropriately someone when everything you do goes against their nature.

I then imagined how things could have been if things were different. It doesn't hurt to dream once in a while.

Out of frustration, I suggested we give each other a break. Maybe spending time only on weekends is sufficient and phone calls everyday are not necessary. I wonder how long it will last until one of us cracks.

I'm convinced it will be me.

I blame the rain.

A few more sob stories like this and I will delete this blog for containing to many evidence of how pathetic I make my life to be.

time well wasted

2011-03-02T12:46:00.003-05:00

Funny thing happened:

After I wrote a paragraph or two of how I've been wasting my time, I accidentally hit the back button and I lost my entry. Erm.

Perfect example of wasted time I must say.
---------------------

If I type this --> @_@ what does it mean? How about --> *_*

I have nothing better to write really.
--------------------

On a random note, I decided that I will try my best to occupy my days off not just twiddling (yes, I looked it up just in case I made up that word) my thumb as I anticipate the day I will be back to work. And no, it's not because I love working but because I am anxious. Erm.

- I finished two books and continue to hunt for the next must-read-one-more-page book I can find. Yey for Ibooks and Kobo application for enticing me to browse and browse and browse and easily waste 30 minutes looking for a free book. Erm.

- Be amused by YouTube videos of communitychannel.

- Browse recipes on Epicurious that I will eventually (keyword) attempt. I have yet to cook a thing in my life that will make my mom proud. Sad for a 26 year old female. Erm.

- Attempt to successfully make a pamphlet for work to distribute to uninterested colleagues or patients. This undertaking should have taken me a week in my younger years *cough-bad excuse-cough* but is now dragging on for months. wtf. Erm.

- Write an entry for me to read when I'm old and gray.

As you can see, my life has been monotonous. Any attempt to make it otherwise has been blocked by my need to rest, laziness and lack of companion.

---------------------
Dear Ipad,

Don't ever leave me for my life will be dull.

Wt.

mute

2011-02-28T21:58:00.002-05:00

To whom it may concern:

The moment you start screaming at me and give me attitude as if I am not doing my job, I tune you out. I appreciate that you are only looking out for your loved one but I really don't respond well to sarcasm and attitude.

Why is it that you get mad at me because you've waiting for the doctor for hours yet you smile and nod when they finally come?

Please give me a little break. I can only take so much.

Sincerely,
your overworked nurse

---------------------------

Dream Log: I had gum in my mouth and started to panic when I realized that the more I chew it, the more it got sticky. I woke up with fear that it would actually happen one of these days. Erm.

sorry is a word

2011-02-16T11:51:00.002-05:00

... that I hear too often.

Deja vu?

Sigh.

What will I do with this guy? Crying does not help. And trust me, I can trump any drama actress with the amount of tears I've shed. Anger only last as long as my attention span. It just doesn't feel right to be angry. What to do? I know how to push his buttons but we are not in highschool.

When does it end? How long will his I-don't-know-why-I-did-it excuse work? Better yet, when will I stop using his own excuse to justify my actions?

Dear Self,

I'm sorry.

funny how it keeps coming back

2011-02-12T10:26:00.004-05:00

taken from: A Softer World

I dreamt about my uncle again. It didn't look like him but I know it was him. In my dream he left a notebook with notes, words of wisdom and drawings for my aunt and cousin. He knew his time was almost up so he prepared something for them.

It may not look like him but I know it would be something he would do if he only knew.

---------------

I'll always miss you and I'll never forget.

denial

2011-01-28T11:56:00.002-05:00

me: Aww, she's so cute.
him: Who?
me: Umm..she walked right in front of us, it's impossible you didn't see her. I like what she's wearing.
him: Oh, I didn't notice.
me: Can you not pretend you didn't see her so we can talk about what she was wearing?
him: Well...
me: I like her skirt.
him: If I said you should wear something like that, you'll get mad.
me: So now you admit you did see her.

I must admit, it is hard for him to win. :S

-----------------------------

Another shift, another sleepless night. Will I be happy if I quit and work somewhere else? Is it nursing itself that is burning me out or the work load that they keep throwing on my plate without taking something else?

If it weren't for the good days, I would be easily swayed.

----------------------------

I think I gained some weight. At least a few people have told me I look like I did.

That works for me :)

reminder

2011-01-17T22:02:00.002-05:00

Instead of asking

Why do bad things happen to good people?

ask

Why do good things happen to bad people?

If you know the context, you would never ask the first question again. :)

-----------------------------------

It was a good Sunday. A wake-up call and a gentle reminder that there is a reason for everything. It may not be clear but it is there. There is a grand plan.

--------------------------------

There are days when I can't let out my frustrations. It's either no one understands or they are going through the same thing. Sometimes, I just need a good cry. Forget the fact that there are nights that anxiety alone can upset my stomach, initiate palpitations and cause sleepless nights. It is what it is. I just have to suck it up and do what I have to do.

Today, I felt like crap. It didn't help that yesterday I was frustrated at J but more so myself that it carried over until I have to get up and get ready for work. Monday blues I suppose.

I really need a dose of sunshine.

roses are red

2011-01-15T00:00:00.002-05:00

A month from now is our anniversary. I've been thinking about a gift because I'm sentimental/corny like that. So far, I've been on the fence whether I want to be romantic or practical. Should I get a lovey dovey kind of gift or something he likes like Lego. Choices, choices.

I went the latter route for my Christmas and birthday gift to him. It felt funny. It almost feels like we're old couples who would rather ask what each other wanted. He, on the other hand, decided to be romantic - in his own way. I gave him a DVD set of some series he's been talking about while the other one resulted from a trip to an electronic store for a pick-what-you-want-and-I'll-pay-for-it. Erm

When does it end? The sweet, corny phase of any relationship. Hmmm.

my heart beats for you

2011-01-07T23:24:00.002-05:00

As I type this, I can feel my heart beat faster and harder.

Palpitations.

This is not new.

I can't seem to recall when it exactly started though.

It's quite tiring.

To be aware of every lub-dub beat.

I feel the need to inhale and exhale deeper.

I've been thinking about going to the doctor for a visit.

What do I say?

You see, I've been having palpitations.

I know what the next question would be.

Have you been under stress lately?

My reply - everyday I work.

But why does my heart beat like this even on my days off?

-----------------------------

I gave J a birthday card.

He left the last one at a restaurant.

I wrote something sweet and then I wondered, when will I get a reply?

I want a card too.

------------------------------

I want to be carefree again.

Even for one day.

One full day.

Hello new year

2011-01-06T11:05:00.002-05:00

I don't have a New Year's Resolution.

It seems like nothing changed from the previous year anyway.

I've let go of the past.

Somewhat.

I look forward to the future.

Kind of.

It's hard when you don't have a 5-year-plan.

Erm.

----------------------

I decided to tie my hair like Chun-li at work.

I joked, I wanna be like her when I grow-up.

The real reason: I needed my hair to be curled for New Years.

-----------------------

I have one more holiday get-together to go to.

They say, wear upscale casual.

What's that?

Hmmm.

-----------------------

I don't know how to get my thoughts across anymore.

-----------------------

Happy New Year!

private thoughts

2010-12-09T14:47:00.002-05:00

Sometimes I look at him and still wonder why he did it. Then there are those moments when I completely detach him from the act and be absolutely convinced that it wasn't the same man who did it.

When this year ends, I plan to forget.

What is love afterall if not to take risks?

It may not be easy to cast aside my doubts, insecurities and pain but how long do I intend to hold on to them anyway. If the unthinkable happens again, shame on me.

------------------------

I saw a YouTube video of what a woman scorned by her cheating partner could do. I almost felt sorry for the mistress. Erm. If she didn't know he was attached, that would have been the worst way to find out. If she did in fact know, I wonder if she still think it was worth it. Eek.

------------------------

I am procrastinating once again.

breaking point

2010-11-29T17:09:00.003-05:00

I reached my breaking point Friday night at work. Frustrated, cranky and hungry does not mix well together. I was beginning to feel sick from all the nonsense that I informed them I'm not coming back the next day. I got home at 10:30 half-frozen and convinced that I can't be a superwoman. I guess the upset stomach I had to endure the next day was the last straw to convince me that my decision was right.

-----------------

Family member: I would like to pay for a private nurse.

Me: Sure, but I would suggest hiring a personal aid worker instead of a nurse. I can provide you the number and you can ask about the cost you will have to pay.

FM: You won't pay for that?

Me: No. She does not need it in my opinion.

FM: The other patient in the room called for a nurse and it took 5 minutes for the nurse to come.

Me: *blank look*

-----------------------

Did he just say 5 minutes?? I guess we are all suppose to be like Flash - right where you want in a blink of an eye. Who cares if we're in report to know whats going on? I guess it doesn't matter if we're with another patient because we are expected to be in two places.

Did someone call for Super(wo)man?

Wait, let me get my cape.

----------------------

Three group of friends translates to three different holiday get-together. Did I mention two groups out of the three are nurses which means there's at least one with a different shift?

Is it just me or does life generally revolve around work?

Eek.

Tomorrow, I will change my opinion and say life is about friends, family, love and experiences.

pardon me

2010-11-21T23:29:00.004-05:00

There it is again. I see a crack that gradually gets bigger and more noticeable. Ugh, it's annoying.

Is it me or is it him? I can't really tell. It seems like all signs are pointing in my direction but I'm sure I can convince any jury to conclude otherwise.

Sometimes I feel one of us is just waiting for the other shoe to drop. Whatever that means. It's like a game, no one wants to give up but with a little more patience, surely one will have to speak up eventually.

He denies it, but why do I still feel this way? If being needy was a skill, I may have perfected it. If being insensitive was a job, he could have been the boss.

How can we fix the problem when only one person believes it is a problem? Questions, questions.

La di da, nothing is wrong.

La di da, am I just predicting another tragedy?

La di da, just tell me if it's over.

and then

2010-11-11T10:10:00.003-05:00

Dream #192

grade 6 classroom. the teacher handing out test papers. I asked if math was today and he said yes. I panic. I certainly didn't review algebra. one paper after another was filled out with uncertain answers. I cursed myself for not studying. the results were back, all of them around 50%. impossible. I am smart afterall. wth happened?

-------------------

Dream #193

elementary school. there was some sort of program. I went up the stairs with papers in my hand. he came out of nowhere. he said he'll walk with me. the rooms were all dark but there were students inside. I said I can't stay there by myself so we walk back to see the program instead. I saw his wife and kid.

------------------

Dream #194

it was a beach or a lake. there was a bridge. I was curious. there were pigs of different sizes with their heads slightly cut off. they're breathing. a little bit farther were gigantic pigs. I was scared. one started to bite me aggressively. I ran away.

------------------

I am used to having strange dreams now. Most of them are connected to what I see or talk about during the day and it is quite amusing to look back.

As long as I don't wake up with my heart beating fast or a tear on my eye, I don't mind my dreams anymore.

vague

2010-11-05T15:22:00.003-04:00

AHHHHH!

Valuable lesson for today: Learn to trust again

AHHHHH!
-----------------------

So far, I've survived two long days of being in-charge. It is a gruesome position to be in and definitely not for the faint of heart. I extended my 12 hour shift to 13.5 hours with only 15 minutes of break. Superwoman? Nope. A skeleton in the making - if I'm not considered as one yet. Erm.

----------------------

I looked at myself in the mirror today and realized that I lost weight in my face yet again. Sigh. This weekend will be dedicated to fattening myself to look at least healthy. It is bad enough that the sleep fairies are on strike again and forgotten to visit me but to wake up in a panic remebering details of the days work is worst. Stress is not my friend.

I am escaping a day of in-charge to attend a conference.

Sleep fairies, please don't visit me there. Erm.
----------------------

The winter blues are slowly creeping in. I will therefore need to be like a "camel", absorb all the sunshine I can get when there is one.

Why can't there be a sunflower-producing-sunshine like in PvZ? Then again, I don't want zombies to be real either.

Erm.

I have spent far too much with the new toy. I need a distraction.
-----------------------

I am definitely suffering from ADD.

when do we cry?

2010-10-29T13:45:00.002-04:00

Reality television convinced us that you know it's the wedding dress for you when you or your family shed some tears.

We had a blast yesterday - a friend, my cousin, brother, sister and myself.

The first wedding dress she ever put on might be an actual contender. There were no tears, but there was definitely a look of amazement from all of us. It doesn't hurt that whatever she tried on fits so well - except one frilly-apparently-trendy dress no one cared for.

Excitement is definitely in the air. Time is going by so fast!
------------------

When asked, how long of a train would you like on your dress?:

A bride would say: Short? Long? Which do you think would look better?
A bride who happens to be a nurse might say: Ewww. Definitely not long, hello...infection control. It'll be dragging on the ground!

Hahaha.

I have a feeling that if she does get a long dress, I will be holding it the whole time. She did say I'm the MAID of honor. Erm.
----------------

And because I am easily swayed by something catchy, regardless if the song has a meaning or not, I am stuck with:

Poppin bottles in the ice, like a blizzard

When we drink we do it right gettin slizzard

Sippin sizzurp in my ride, like Three 6

Now I’m feelin so fly like a G6

Like a G6, Like a G6

Now I’m feelin so fly like a G6

by: Far East Movement

-----------------

I am experiencing calm before the storm.

Dun dun dun.

ahhhh..says the crazy lady

2010-10-27T13:14:00.002-04:00

I had a trial run at being the in-charge nurse on Monday and all I can say is - AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

I am now convinced that back-breaking physical work is by far easier than dealing with everything else that goes on. No, it's not easy to know everything about 30 patients on top of dealing with surgery schedules, family appointments, discharge plans and the new admissions to the hospital.

It is challenging to follow doctors around and talk to them when some of them look at you like a young kid who does not know what she is doing. It is frustrating and frankly, a tad annoying.

It is even more fun when so many people talk to you at the same time.

This is deja vu.

The only difference is, I am expected to be in this position for at almost a month.

OH, THE HORROR!!!

i heard

2010-10-24T23:47:00.002-04:00

Will you stir, still or stand the storm?

This was the message from the pastor today. It brought me to tears. I have gone through storms both weak and strong in my life. There are times that it made me question my faith, forget the blessings I have been given and doubt the existence of God. It is not easy being a Christian afterall.

I seldom talk about religion as I can only hope that people around me know through how I live my life. I am not perfect though and I don't think I ever will be. I have sin and will sin. I can only strive to be better.

I only need to believe.

I just need to constantly remind myself that no matter what kind of storm comes my way, God will be with me and that every thing has a purpose.

flip flop

2010-10-20T10:25:00.003-04:00

Every now and then, I feel the need to justify why I still keep a blog. Does it still serve as a diary that stores my feelings and thoughts only to betray me eventually? Is it for venting purposes that provide some sort of emotional catharsis? Am I writing to remember?

It's been three years - longer if I count the one I deleted.
---------------

I found a restaurant wherein I don't mind sitting alone and eating on my own pace. Sometimes, I find having a date with myself can be therapeutic.
---------------

As my sister's maid of honor, I am useless. :S

I have no idea what I need to do or at least what is expected of me. I like research work but I am clueless on how to plan parties and play host for all of them. Eek.

I'm not the one getting married but I am stressed.
--------------

Is it time to say goodbye yet?

it's time for a break

2010-10-18T15:58:00.003-04:00

I had a breakdown after my extended nine hour shift last Saturday. It took a lot of effort not to shed a single tear during those hours considering I was mentally, physically and emotionally tired.

The day started off heavy as I said goodbye to a grieving family. They thanked me for the care I had provided even though it was only for a few hours. Dealing with death early morning did not make for a good start.

Unfortunately, it went downhill after that.

I was literally running with only a meal supplement in my stomach that I forced myself to take as breakfast. Complications after complications unfolded until I was watching the doctor do chest compressions on my patient. Everyone knew how far from my element I was. It was my first code*.

After the incident, I held my composure as I reassured my student and thanked everyone for their help and support. I asked J to pick me up and cried as soon as I sat down.

I keep asking myself, why did I choose to be a nurse again?

I ate lunch at 5 pm that day.

*code blue = indicates patient requiring immediate resuscitation*

a night like this

2010-10-11T23:00:00.003-04:00

Message sent:

Sometimes I wish you would have a little more insight or even sensitivity to know when something is wrong.

--------------

Message recieved:

none

---------------

eat me

2010-09-30T18:50:00.003-04:00

I found something new to love - at least for now.

Oatmeal Crisp with Almonds. YUMM!

I have been eating this cereal with a bowl of milk for breakfast, lunch and/or dinner. Sometimes, twice in a day. I have a feeling this kind of love might be short lived though. It's like how I felt about Coco Puffs. Sigh.
----------------

It's already October tomorrow just when I was about to be dramatic and sing, "wake me up when September ends".

October is all about apple picking, Thanksgiving, fall colours, rain and one month closer to another year. I'm about to bring out the heavy jackets, sweaters, cardigans and boots. This also means another excuse to go shopping. Erm.
---------------

I don't know where this is going.

its raining, its pouring

2010-09-27T21:13:00.003-04:00

Today, I was pinched and punched. One left a mark while the other bothered me for a little bit. It's all in the days work I suppose.

Sigh.
------------------

It feels like nothing happened.

It may be for the better. I like to live in bliss. Erm.
------------------

I had a dream...

whatever comes to mind

2010-09-22T22:27:00.002-04:00

My thoughts often wander between work, life, love, family and everything in between almost simultaneously. One after another I think of the possibilities and then just like that, move on.

I stumbled upon a newspaper article and learned a valuable lesson - "wherever you are, is where you're supposed to be". He said applying it to every aspect of your life will bring you peace and happiness.

Contentment, I suppose, is my take on it.

Every now and then I think, am I suppose to move up or on? Better pay? Get higher education to get out of the bedside and physical labor? Some people seem to think so. But I say, I'm good for now. Is it laziness or contentment? I am not sure.

When my relationship is shaky, to say the least, do I let go or hang on? Am I suppose to be with him or meet someone else? Is it contentment or fear? It's hard to say.

I dream of a different life sometimes. But needless to say, my life isn't that bad regardless of the stress, the problems and the hurt I have to endure. It is what it is.

And when all else fails, I'm convinced that the other life lesson is helpful - "smile as often and as genuinely as you can".

As much of a crybaby as I am, I do convince myself to live by this as often as I can. However hard it may be.

Erm.

*article*

-------------------------------
During a conversation over dinner, someone blurted out "you can't eat love". I wanted to say, "money isn't everything" but that might have prompted more discussion and I was too tired to participate.

Funny enough, I always tell my coworkers "that's what my money is for", when they tell me that they pity the guy who will marry me because I can't cook. :P

Hello take-out meals!

Horrible and not too practical I know. I guess that would be another lesson that I will eventually have to learn. :D

letting go

2010-09-11T06:20:00.003-04:00

I finally did it, I deleted my Friendster account.

Despite of the fact that I love having the option of being able to look back at messages, write-ups and profiles for the sake of remembering, I decided it was time to let go.

As a tribute, I will include the "About Me" section that someday may be useful when I feel that I have lost myself and need some guidance to find it again.

strawberry cheesecake ice cream addict a procrastinator reluctant driver a book lover and a music fanatic an optimist (most of the time) obsess with cherry blossoms and the colour blue afraid of roller coasters suffers from a mild case of insomnia laughs at anything and close to everything dreams of bungee jumping and sky diving someday (yeah right!) loves AE constant dreamer impulsive buyer TV addict loves the *click* sound the digicam makes frustrated karaoke singer supporter of iTunes

checking in

2010-09-09T14:33:00.002-04:00

I feel numb.

I find myself retreating to my safe place more often these days. A place in my head where no thoughts exist and I am safely in a bubble free from those that try to shatter it. If I can isolate myself figuratively and literally, I would.

I thought about staying in a hotel just for a night to dissect every event, thought and feelings I have. It is a gruelling task meant for a weekend retreat that I can only afford to do in one day. It is something I dream of when things are rough.

I am a runner.

I envision myself hiding in hopes that things will go back to how it was before the storm hit. It is what weak people do. It is what I want to do.

It is maybe for the same reason that I envy those who can face their problems, solve it and move on with their lives - regrets and all. I'm sure I was one of those people before. I must have stumbled somewhere and decided that it is far too tiring to be that way.

I know there are holes and cracks in my bubble but if I can just stay inside a little longer, I know I'll make it through again this time.

round and round i go

2010-09-03T14:40:00.003-04:00

dinner table. with him. with her. with them. i order with clarity but confused as to why i'm even there. was i suppose to be part of this group? i doubt it. food comes, one plate at a time. the two start eating, oblivious of the fact that only their food arrived. they turn and talk to each other. again, i question my presence. i turn back and the waiters packed up every single dish in white containers as if saying time to leave. we hurry down. i still don't know why.
---------------------------
it's a pool party. everyone's there. i frantically look for my bathing suit afraid to miss out on the fun. she said her dad told her how inappropriate her bathing suit was. a t-shirt is in order. i check my luggage again. still nothing. i glanced back at the pool and they decided the front yard was far too small to have two pools. one square at a time, they rearranged the pool on the street instead. don't ask me why but it was possible.
--------------------------
i was at work. how many patients do i get? i don't remember. she's in-charge and i'm hovering. everything looks familiar with a twist. what's going on?
--------------------------

I am at home after a brief apologetic phone call last night to ask for a sick day. It always is a battle in my mind before I do so. There is always that guilt and responsibility versus reality. I am burdened by the knowledge that sometimes, there really isn't enough staff to cover the floor but what am I to do when I know my body will hate me if I go through with it. I convince myself that I am my own nurse to myself. It's distracting to feel sick physically, mentally or emotionally at work. It's never safe for anyone.
-------------------------

Today, I finished a compelling book within two days of picking it up. It's been a while since I've had time, energy or motivation to immerse myself completely on something. Ironically, it's about doctors and medical jargon. I can't seem to escape the medical field even on my leisure time. I'm not complaining, I feel privelege to understand it. Almost a little too much than I would like at times though.

look at me

2010-09-01T21:24:00.003-04:00

I can't seem to stop forming random thoughts in silence and then moving on before I can think about it any further. It is tiring and a little annoying. My attention span is playing tricks on me again.

Make up your mind!!!

Erm.
----------------------
I always thought that I have small eyes until recently. A patient's son interrupted our conversation only to blurt out, "you have very big eyes" which made me ponder whether it was a compliment or not. Didn't the conversation between Red Riding Hood and the Grandma Wolf started out that way?

Dun dun dun.
-----------------------
Once again, I was sternly reminded of my limited freedom. Details aside, I am left wondering if marriage really is the only possible option or solution.

Sigh...
----------------------
I currently (because tomorrow and the following day will be different) feel that I would benefit from taking a course or at least pick up a hobby. This is usually a fleeting urge to break the routine I have day after day that often fades after a series of failed attempt.

Hmmm
----------------------
Last Monday, I opted to clean J's place. A task that was challenging since I know how particular he is with certain things. When I do laundry, I normally have four categories - coloured, white, scrubs and jeans. As for J, I ended up doing at least 6 loads to accomodate his rules and I didn't even finish! I started at 9 and gave up around 6. If this was a real cleaning job, I wonder how much I could have made that day.

Come to think of it, I can charge him my usual hourly rate.

Ladida

good samaritans?

2010-08-24T20:31:00.002-04:00

It baffles me everytime a patient eats half of whatever they bought and proceeds to offer me the leftover. Case in point, someone said "oh can you bring this to the nursing station in case they want the rest" while handing me a half cup of vegetables and dip. Erm.

And then even more bizarre is when the same thing happened to me outside the hospital. Wt.

I was looking at a table full of books for sale when a business man came up to me and asked, "would you like to have a grand [insert fancy Starbucks coffee]?" while extending the said cup. Erm. I politely declined and said I don't drink coffee.

Is it me or is it weird to offer strangers food whether it's half eaten or not?
--------------------

Apparently if I help someone on a plane as a nurse, I am not covered under the Good Samaritan's law. Basically, if something happens and that said person who needed help sues me, it can actually happen. Erm.
--------------------

Goal update: my arms are sore and I had to take a break from exercising (only one day!!)

today is the day

2010-08-23T19:30:00.002-04:00

Maybe.

I am highly motivated (again) and convinced that my plans will actually work (I hope) this time around. Afterall, it doesn't hurt to be positive.

So far, my plans include:
- at least 30 mins with the Wii Fit
- 20-40 reps with the dumbbell
- buy some sort of protein shake and/or meal supplement
- grocery shop for snacks I can/will actually eat
- take vitamins everyday

I really hope that I see results sooner rather than later. I have a tendency to lose interest when I don't see change right away. I may not be able to do everything EVERY single day because of work/laziness/downtime but I will try to stick to it as long as I can. :D

come away with me

2010-08-18T11:03:00.002-04:00

After being away from work for two weeks, my co-workers said I look well rested and different. It must be the tan I got from staying under the sun, despite of the fact that I tried my best to walk under the shade.

Of course, they also said, "just wait after a few days at work and everything will be back". Erm.

Surprisingly, I did feel the difference. I wasn't as stressed even though my patients were keeping me on my feet for most of the day and with explaining, re-explaining and doing it all over again in a span of five minutes.

Hopefully, it takes more than two shifts to reverse the effects of a good vacation!
----------------------

The difference between J and I:

- I turned away when J felt sick in the car and threw up on a paper bag. This is one of my weaknesses, I can't stand hearing someone gag/vomit or see them doing so (so much for being a nurse!). Meanwhile, when it happened to me and I was staring at the toilet because I felt sick to my stomach (literally), he wanted to hold my hair up. Erm.

- I will not pay for first class seats for a 1.5 hour flight while he was ready to swipe his card without hesitation.

- He overpacks while I try to justify every piece of clothing I place in my luggage. In the end, he was smarter since I didn't have anything decent to wear on our last day of the trip

- I am not a fan of roller coasters! I unknowingly agreed to go on a ride that I didn't think would be one and throughout the ride, I was swearing in my head because I couldn't even scream. J on the other hand was laughing and enjoying every minute of it. The picture they take as souvenir said it all, I looked like I was about to have a heart attack.
---------------------

After a brief two weeks vacation, I am now back to reality. It really isn't so bad. I need the everyday life to enjoy the special things along the way. :D

quick, think fast

2010-07-29T05:42:00.002-04:00

Was it boredom or relapse? I'm somehow convinced that it was a moment of weakness.

I know I should have moved on by now but the bitter taste still lingers in my mouth. There are days that it feels like nothing happened and then there are those that make me cringe at the mere thought of it.

I am hoping to break free and forget soon.

Then again, is forgetting the answer?
-----------------------------------

I am finally on vacation after two days. The only problem is, my mom is not too happy about my request to go away with J.

I am once again left to wonder, when does adulthood start again?

Is it only when I'm out of the house and married? Am I still not accountable for my own actions? Am I not responsible enough to make my own decisions when I can technically fend for myself already?
---------------------------------

Questions, questions.
---------------------------------

It's 5:50 in the morning, and I really should be getting ready for work.

I'm disappointed and I can't help but feel a little lethargic. I may just be a wind-up toy today. Ready to do the task I was set to do and nothing more. Afterall, it seems like I'm expected to be such sometimes.
--------------------------------

Happy posts next time.
I swear.

take me away

2010-07-09T11:43:00.002-04:00

Everything is related.

I can't help but think whether this is what's going to happen from now on.

Peace of mind will be a luxury I can't afford.

Holding back will be the new norm.

If this is the case though, I have no one to blame but myself.

It is, afterall, a choice I will make.

Sometimes, I feel numb.

It's a defense mechanism that makes it slightly bearable.

A distraction if I may say so.

But, slowly, the bitterness creeps in again.

I am brewing the perfect soup.

Anger, resentment and sadness with a pinch of contentment.

I am not a good cook and it shows.

entry #123

2010-07-07T19:03:00.002-04:00

I would like to wake up when everything is how it is supposed to be.

I hate change.

I hate disappointments.

I hate how things are unravelling.

I am tired of playing mindgames.

I am fucking sick of thinking too much.

Afraid to say and do the wrong thing.

Why do I get the punishment too?

I don't understand.

I don't wanna be that girl.

It seems like the farther I distance myself from her, the closer I am to becoming her.

It's a pointless battle.

I say one thing and act the other.

Can I just be two people then?

The one who can just move on and remain to be the one who can blindly accept how things are.

Why can't I just say fuck it like how other people would?

Let me vent.

Eventually my thoughts will be clear.

small talk

2010-06-19T05:35:00.003-04:00

I generally don't like small talk.

It can get uncomfortable and awkward without any warning. A question only answered with a yes or no instantly kills the conversation. *cue: rolling tumbleweeds* Then there's the same question every single time that can only result with the same response. It really is no ones fault - that's just how it is.

In saying that, I engage in small talk every day I work. It is necessary to build some sort of a relationship that is needed given our situation. It is not enough to play the part of "I'm your nurse and you're the patient". It just doesn't work that way.

The most recent one I've had with a patient was about their gadget-like toilet I've only seen, so far, in Japan. Now, that's a small talk I don't mind engaging in - light and different. It reminds me of a Seinfeld episode where George felt offended that his girlfriend didn't think that talking about washroom stalls were interesting enough. On the contrary, I say it is.

Who wants to talk about the same old thing when there's a million more topics out there?
-----------------

Disclaimer:
(1) I am a victim and a perpetrator of small talk
(2) Example of small talk: How's work? / Good. / That's good. / Yeah / *awkward pause* / It's nice to see you again / Yeah. It's been a while. / *awkward pause* / I'll see you next time then / *end of small talk*
----------------

I woke up feeling well rested only to be disappointed when I checked my clock and realized only two hours passed and its only 3:30.

Sigh.
---------------

Random:
(1) Why do people feel the need to air their dirty laundry? Is it just me or some things are just meant to be personal?
(2) I am officially staying away from malls or any place that the card can effortlessly glide and put a dent on my bank account.
(3) The doctor wants to see me to "discuss the results". This is what happens when you complain that the doctor never calls you to tell you about tests you've done. Come and see me again = something is abnormal. Erm.
(4) I am too cellphone dependent.
(5) I want an Ipad. Just because.
---------------

Patient: Will you get offended if I tell you something?
Me: No, no, go ahead.
Patient: You look like you're 12.
Me: It'll be a compliment when I'm 40.
---------------

I'm babbling because it's 6 am and there's no one to talk to.

This would be the perfect time to have a small talk with anyone. Erm.

sleep escapes me

2010-06-16T04:25:00.003-04:00

I just spent a good hour reading random messages to the now defunct, at least in my books, Friendster. It's quite a memory lane I must say. At least five years of randomness still preserved that provide tidbits of insight to what my life was back then.

It's the only reason I hold on to it. It's like the box of letters from grade/highschool that I know one day I'll eventually let go.
-----------------------

Once again, I woke up at 3 am wondering whether I had a dream or merely worrying about things I have no control of. The line can be blurry sometimes.
-----------------------

I have two group of friends - married and the other in long term relationships.

The married ones say that I should still enjoy my life and do whatever I want to while the other continue to question whether we have plans to tie the knot soon.

Hmmm.

Is it the greener-on-the-other-side syndrome?
----------------------

The birds are chirping away already.
That can't be good.

Must. Go. Back. To. Sleep.

how long

2010-06-14T23:15:00.002-04:00

I didn't realize it's been too long since I blurted something here.

It's actually been long enough that I have forgotten which email account I was using. Erm.
----------------

It has been a great weekend working nights as the in-charge nurse this last weekend. If only for the feeling of "this is too good to be true" that never fails to enter my mind every 30 minutes or so, didn't bother me so much. Being pessimistic seems to be easier than being optimistic these days.

We all keep looking at each other, everytime the phone rings expecting a sudden rush of admissions.

I almost didn't mind working nights for once.
----------------

J keeps joking that I somehow tricked him into believing that I am a nice, lovely girl. Apparently I have become a nagger (THE HORROR!!) and too mataray. Erm. I say he turned me into whatever he thinks I am now. HMP!
----------------

I'll be going on a short trip with my sister soon and so far, we're already not coming to terms with what we should do there. I said I wanted to see a store (that they only have in that place) and she says just go to something similar here. Hmmm.

This is turning out to be like how it was when we went to Philippines. :S
---------------

I have nothing brilliant to share.

fill in the blanks

2010-05-31T21:16:00.002-04:00

Mental block.

------------------------

I need something to do.

I want a new experience this summer that can place a check mark on my bucket list (that I didn't officially make yet).

J is planning to trade his car for an automatic family-friendly car.

He says he'll have his sports car back someday.

Sure.

If I can afford to wear dresses every other day this summer, I would.

If it's appropriate to wear shorts and t-shirt everywhere I go, I would.

If it didn't feel like a freezer on some buses, I wouldn't get sick.

Breakfast potluck at work is a good way to start the day.

Unfortunately, it also makes me lazy.

Another good thing? It's a good bribe for the doctors to stay a little longer.

------------------

Mental block.

better to write

2010-05-20T14:30:00.003-04:00

To whom it may concern:

Please stop testing my patience. I am a very compassionate person - if I may say so, but you are pushing my buttons effortlessly and without regard. I do not mean to be rude and I'm certainly not ignoring you, I am merely doing what I need to do. So please, let's not repeat what happened last night.

Thank you,
your overworked nurse
-----------------------

There are days I just need to call in sick for a mental health day. It's emotionally tiring to see people suffer. It's almost as tiring to accomodate every little requests, needs and wants while I do the medical side of it.

Eight hours of work last nigh definitely felt longer. It was evident with my tiny paper full of scribbled notes.

Just another work day.
---------------------

There is hope that I will get my vacation afterall. It just means I will have to work 3-4 days straight before and after my vacation.

Sacrifices. Sacrifices.

mirror, mirror on the wall

2010-05-18T23:28:00.002-04:00

J bought me a dress today to prove a point.

He wants to prove that he knows what looks good on me even if I don't think so. Initially, he pointed at body-hugging black dress but I refused to try it on. I argued that I do not have the (curvy) body to fill it out at the right places. This has been my plight because there are only a few stores where I can buy clothes I can confidently wear because they fit right or acceptable enough.

Sigh.

Where do skinny people buy their clothes?! And no, I am not willing to spend hundreds and hundreds of dollars. Erm.

Self-esteem takes a beating sometimes.
--------------------

Today will also mark the first time I actually went to an alteration place. The lady there might become my bestfriend if the two dresses I brought turn out okay.
--------------------

I am having memory problems.
(1) I've been entering my card number online after memorizing it in a week then suddenly - mental block. I kept entering my cellphone number. Wth.
(2) I did laundry and forgot to put detergent in.
(3) I would immediately forget what my patient asked for after 5 minutes. Erm.

Is it stress???
-------------------

I will find a way to get vacation this summer. Even if it means I have to beg and cry to get it. Yes, I am desperate.

toink, toink

2010-05-10T00:16:00.003-04:00

Strange.

I feel strange.

Writing it twice like that, it almost makes me doubt my spelling.

Again, I say strange.
------------------

Dear J,

How long are you going to make me wait?

Love,
Your impatient girlfriend
-------------------

My arms are sore. My back is aching. I last worked on Thursday, so what's the problem?! *unintentional rhyming* All I know is I'll be finishing a tube of Rub-A535 tonight.

The funny thing is my parents think I'm a weakling. They asked if I could carry their TV out of their room for a replacement but wanted to do it with them. I said it's better if I just do it myself as it will be harder. The TV is only a fraction of what I carry at work. Erm.
------------------

Our family doctor is retiring and we are doctorless. We have a few prospects but the one they chose is not a bus away. At least, not something I'd consider to be that accessible as it would take me longer than 30 minutes. Erm.

As much as I hate visiting the doctor, I need to soon enough. I think my physical check-up has been way overdue. Sigh.
-------------------

My head is clouded with nonsense.

it's may already!

2010-05-06T22:32:00.002-04:00

Today, I received a thank you card.

In between back-ache-inducing work, snotty remarks and frustrations, I felt a sense of accomplishment. Once again, I felt that I do make a difference.

Even more satisfying is the fact that this particular patient is also a nurse.
--------------

I finally received my tax rebate. It means I can pay off some debt and maybe return some of it in my savings account that seems to be only increasing as fast as a snail's pace.

I also managed to force myself to shop for basic t-shirts and tanks, picking up sure-that-looks-good as I passed by the aisle. I can't seem to find anything I love and if I did, I talked myself out of it for fear of overspending unnecessarily. On the other hand, I bought J a leather jacket. :S For some reason, I hate it when he goes to a store, looks at a particular thing for a long time then proceed to say, "maybe next time".

Sigh.

That can't be right.

i must be another year older

2010-04-27T23:27:00.002-04:00

The weekend was both fun and tiring. I celebrated my birthday on three separate occasions - at home, dinner with J and a gathering after church. The last one happened because J's parents found out after a church member greeted me. I don't like to be the center of attention but who says no to a generous gift like that? Erm.
-----------------------

This year, I received money (yey), a single rose and a very amusing card from a friend and a Coach bag.

J for some reason decided not to get me a gift. *rolls eyes* I am somewhat disappointed as I am a very sentimental person. I wasn't expecting an expensive gift but some sort of effort would have been fine. Sure, dinner was great but I like something tangible. I would have appreciated a card or something equally thoughtful and meaningful.

I guess this just proves we are not in the courting phase of our relationship anymore. We are in the comfortable phase wherein things are just "understood". Sigh.

(I'll just have to share the same sentiments on his birthday. Hahaha)
-----------------------

I have yet to receive approval for my June/July vacation. Hmp.

two-six

2010-04-23T01:06:00.002-04:00

I am now 26 years old.

I spent the first 10 minutes of my birthday frantically writing the last things I did for my patients. I was very optimistic at the start of the shift but things went downhill after that.

Next year, I'll make sure that I'm not working before, the day of and after my birthday.

----------------

On a side note, J decided to open up the prospect of buying a place together. I coyly said no but since he didn't seem to get the hint, I ended up saying "you haven't even asked me to marry you, you're already asking to buy a place with me?". Of course, it kinda took him by surprise. I gave him a smile and said my good bye as I got out of the car. He was afterall nice enough to pick me up from work and drive me home.

Was that a little to blunt though? Erm.

---------------

I bought myself a new shirt for my birthday. That is all. :S

if i had a penny for everytime...

2010-04-19T22:22:00.004-04:00

Only one more week and I'm gonna be another year older! I feel older - in numbers but not in spirit. ;)

--------------------

It's a habit. I click, click and click until I arrive at something interesting. Today, this is what I found:

I just love cherry blossoms. It's a short film called Five Centimeters per Second. I wish to be walking along cherry blossoms in Japan one day. :)
---------------------

Two trips to the mall with nothing to show for. What's wrong with me? Am I unconsciously holding my purse a little tighter than usual? Ugh. I can't even find anything new to wear for my birthday. :(
---------------------

The weirdest advice I have EVER received: Why don't you get pregnant so your bf would marry you.

Erm.

let me go

2010-04-08T20:36:00.003-04:00

Don't let it be true.

I don't want the rule of three's to be true.

Today was day two of feeling down. Outside reflected how we felt inside. Unexpected events that led to news that left us wanting to get it over with. I escaped with four hours less in what could have been a gruesome usual shift. The rest, I hoped for the best.

I want to go away - even for a while.

I need complete detachment. I need some peace of mind.

I'm sorry, it's not your fault.

It really isn't.

paranoia

2010-04-07T22:44:00.002-04:00

You know what's hard about being in the medical field? It's the paranoia that comes with it. The fear of losing my license because I didn't document something that happened or something I may or may not have done. It's that nagging feeling that if I forget to do something important it will haunt me three years later in a court case. It's tiring. My stress level and sanity is always on the line. Being a nurse means that I don't get to go home and leave my work where it belongs, at work. It follows me everywhere I go.

Did I also mention that I am constantly thinking about what kind of diseases I may or can have? Do you know how many patients of mine are in their 20s? It's depressing. It's scary. It's unbelievable.

Sometimes, I really don't know why I chose this profession.

It's one of those days that I can't possibly vent at work anymore. We are all in it. Unfortunately, I can't vent to anyone outside of the medical field either, no one understands. Besides, is it really fair for them to share these kind of things?

Sigh.

I'm done.

ups and downs

2010-04-04T22:51:00.003-04:00

I finally had the chance to use what I had learned in elementary - alphabet sign language. In between communicating with gestures, writing on a pad, using an interpreter and broken sign language, I think things went well.

I actually feel good about something.

It's been a long time.
--------------------

This weekend, I managed to walk away with my sanity and cool intact. One of my pet peeves is when people talk to me as if I don't understand what they're saying when they're clearly just being hard-headed (and other other words I won't use) and unreasonable.

I wanted to scream "do you hear yourself talking?!!!!" but instead manage to blurt out "what would you like me to do?".

Do I need to wear a disclaimer on my badge that says: (a) I AM NOT YOUR SLAVE (b) You don't know what you're talking about (c) think before you talk

Ugh. I should stop before I actually say something. Erm.
--------------------

Sunshine when I'm working then rain when it's my weekday/end off. Hmp.

i like your warmth

2010-04-01T22:23:00.002-04:00

Did I already mention that I'm a jealous girlfriend? If so, then I am saying it again. Sigh.
----------------

During a sleepover at J's, I woke up after a brief nightmare. I was so scared that I had to wake him up to tell him I had a bad dream but didn't dare to go in to details. You see, I am tied to the past. My subconscious seems to always connect about the days in Philippines whether or not I think about it/them.

It's always about the past or work-related dreams. I don't know why but I want it to stop.

I would like it if I don't have dreams or at least not have to wake up in the middle of the night with a bad one.
----------------

My birthday plans are not working out - (1) I am working nights, which means I'll be at work when the clock strikes midnight. Sigh. (2) I've been invited to a gathering on my birthday weekend. I am torn. (3) I don't know what to do
---------------

This weekend will be lovely. I promise (to try) to be a little more patient, a little more cheery and a little less mad.

fly away

2010-03-23T13:58:00.004-04:00

Aside from the sudden craving for chocolates, I am currently singing:

I want to get away

I want to fly away

Yeah, yeah, yeah

(Lenny Kravitz)

I don't know what it says about the state of my mind recently but I'm sure it's some sort of sign.

-----------------

After slowly peeling myself off work-mode and on to the comforts of a firm bed on our lounge for a break, my mind buzzed with negativities. I couldn't sleep yet again. Fortunately, Serendipity was showing and I am once again distracted. Why is it that we/I almost always root for couples to break up when they find another person by chance? I mean when it comes to real life, it isn't as romantic as it looks in TV. Well, save for the new couple that gets together that is. Erm. Then again, destiny is destiny and the world has better plans for everyone involved.

As the movie ended, so does my break. I groggily went back to work and told my coworker about not being able to sleep again and about the movie. She replied with, "I hate that movie. That girl is so flaky/flighty". It made me wonder how many of us can actually jump in the unknown without knowing what will happen tomorrow and leave it to chance or destiny?

My mind is in disarray.

---------------------

My birthday is slowly approaching and I have yet to make a list of what I would like to buy or get. Erm. My sister already gave me a gift because she said it's been sitting in her closet for a few weeks and "it's getting old". I have another Coach bag! Yey! I've been thinking of getting another bag and one has already caught my eye with a stern disapproval from my pocket. Aside from that, nothing seems to make it to "the list". Sigh.

--------------------

I am now going to hunt for chocolates.

w.t.h.

2010-03-19T21:57:00.002-04:00

I had a wth moment today. I am trying to censor myself because saying wtf is making me even more irritated. I hate it. The phrase was circulating in my head over and over again taunting me. I had to hold myself back and think happy thoughts before I do something I will regret.

Why is it hard to trust people? I try to be nice and tada, some people think it's okay to do whatever. Well, WTH. I mean really...wth.

Next time, I won't bother to ask. Lesson learned if you ask me.
-------------------------------

Hello Spring, welcome back!

guilty as charged

2010-03-14T21:38:00.002-04:00

Yesterday, I received a dozen pink roses and a bear holding a heart with an I love you scribbled in it. J was once again guilty of something. He showed up in my house without calling me first knowing that I would have told him he's not invited to my sister's birthday anymore if he did.

I am a sucker for sorry's and he is an expert in saying it. Sadly, it's a perfect combination if you ask me.

I still tell him that he does things out of guilt.
-----------------

Every now and then, we engage in "deep talks". We usually don't agree and we're both stubborn enough to insist we're right. Sometimes, I just like to say things to push his buttons because I want to know how his mind works.

So far, I can proudly say I have "won" one such debate and the rest are a draw.
-----------------

We have a wedding to attend to in a few months and I am already dreading the questions of when our turn will be. I really just wish J would lie and pretend he has a plan and say "maybe next year" instead of leaving me hanging to smile and laugh as if I didn't care.

I like plans even if disappointment usually follows. I like plans just for the sake of planning. I like planning to look forward to something.

I seriously want to tell him to just say he's not ready yet than play deaf at their questions.

off with their heads!

2010-03-08T12:09:00.003-05:00

Spring is slowly making its way. I can't wait!

I spent most of the sunny weekend looking out the hospital windows. It's not that I would be doing anything exciting if it was my day off anyway but the grass is always greener on the other side. On Sunday, J picked me up from work after an eight hour shift only to be coaxed into helping him clean his car - his pride and joy. Is it wrong that I am jealous? Hahaha.
----------------------------

I wish I was the type of person who finds reason to get out of the house. The type who would take hobby classes, enjoy a stroll in the park alone and participate in social activities. Instead, I'm the type who wants to do something but finds reason not to do it. I churn out the same lame excuses and reason which I despise when someone else (J) does it. Sigh.

I am not exactly sure whether it is money or the lack of company that prevents me. It could also very well be that I like my comfort zone and anything that would entail me to make a little more effort scares me.

When will I say, life is too short to watch it pass by?
---------------------------

Last night, instead of watching Alice in Wonderland, J proposed we eat at Korean BBQ. I happily obliged since I have been deprived of filling my stomach with food for lack of time at work. It took us about two hours to cook and eat! This is why I have somewhat given up on the concept of cooking while hungry.

In the end, J turned to me and said, "this is the longest dinner we've had for a long time".

Fast food has been a friend to us.

40 hours later

2010-03-01T17:59:00.002-05:00

It doesn't seem that long ago when I helped J moved from his parent's house to an apartment and back again before a year passed. After much deliberation, he finally bought a place of his own and the moving saga began again.

It has been very tiring to say the least.

This time around, we are (finally) convinced that the extra money you pay for delivery is worth every penny - of course it was too late. We hauled a giant mattress on top of our heads to tie it on top of the van while it was freezing cold. By the time we were at his place, he couldn't convince me to do any other work except prepare the take-out soup for late dinner.
----------------------

I had another preview of what life would be if I married J:

- I need earplugs to sleep
- grocery shopping will consist of buying 4 items everyday instead of one good shopping trip with everything you need for a week. ugh.
- cost vs. use. I had to convince him that paying good money for something you will use often/everyday (ie. jeans, shoes, bed) is better than buying according to price and have it replaced more often
- I will be picking up after him. ugh.
- he takes longer than I do to get ready (and that's including make-up)
- we're both competing for who can have a shorter attention span
- I hate browsing/window shopping (esp furniture) and he could do it all day, everyday
- closet space will consist of 2/3s his and 1/3 mine

----------------------

I can't wait for summer.
I am done with this cold season.

roses are red

2010-02-15T11:00:00.002-05:00

Yesterday was Valentine's Day and last night was spent at a hotel hall with members and guests of the church - dining and dancing.

We didn't really dance because as J said, "I was waiting for a slow song" to which I countered with a disappointed tone, "how would we know if they played one if we were outside?". Erm. I gave him credit though, he bought a dozen roses and convinced two girls to come up to me during dinner and scream happy Valentine's. I melted inside - from the inquiring stares I felt and the actual sweetness of his gesture.

I guess I just need to give him a break. He does try.
------------------

Today is our anniversary and I didn't buy him any thing. I think we're kind of pass that. I did give him a card that says, Sometimes I wonder why I put up with you - (inside) it's probably because you put up with me.
-----------------

Mushy things aside
- I had the biggest banana-choco-hazelnut crepe. YUM!
- I wish I have longer lashes (haha)
- my coworker tried to convince me to switch shifts and end up working 4 nights straight. erm.
- I am now saying boink everytime I go up and down the stairs. :S

word game

2010-02-03T21:36:00.002-05:00

I feel disconnected. Is that even the right word? Maybe, indifferent is better. It's really hard to describe.

Blah?

Blurb?

... ?

I believe I can be described as a downer right now. Yup. I think so.

vent #19

2010-01-29T11:54:00.004-05:00

Yesterday, my mind just about exploded as I organized the million and one things I had to do. I had to step out for about 10 minutes every now and then to take a break and have peace and quiet. You see, having your name called by 5 different people in different directions while the phone rings on top of the call bell signals can be confusing if not frustrating. It is even more impossible when two or three people talk to you simultaneously about different things. :S

And after all that you are still expected to know the state of about 30 patients - down to the last detail.

Blurb.

Then finally, you get the complaints about why you did something a certain way. Erm. Sometimes I want to say, do you want to do this instead and we'll see how much better you can do it? Sigh.

I love my job. I love my job. I love my job.
-------------

Oh Dr. X, can you make sure you sign off that order?
You don't have to call me doctor you know, just X.
I just thought coz some people like to be called that.
No, no. Not me.
----------------

Winter is back from break and would like its presence be felt once again.

it's only words

2010-01-23T00:40:00.002-05:00

A serious conversation:

me: *after a lenghty explanation of why I'm annoyed at him
J: What do you mean?
me: Which one?
J: What does that word that you used mean?
me: Are you kidding?
J: I'm serious. How would I know what you're saying if you're using big words.
me: *laughs And this is why we can't have a serious conversation.

I can't be mad at him. I really can't.
----------------

I hate the word syota. I cringe when I hear it and scolds anyone who dares to use it. I heard J use it once while talking to my brother and couldn't help but pinch him hard - to remember never to use it again and for even daring to mention it.

I can't even begin to describe my hatred for this word. Ugh.
---------------

A patient of mine told the manager that I'm a keeper. It's a compliment I readily and gratefuly take as it doesn't come often. It makes it even more special that she's also a nurse.
---------------

My friend and I talked about the impending doom of hospitals cutting down on nursing staff and redistributing them in other units of the hospital. It's a scary thought especially when my seniority level looms only above 4 other nurses. We joked that if retail stores offer as much money, we would leave our job. It rarely is about the money, but the way things are sometimes, I know otherwise.

Stress is not my friend.
-------------

me: She's telling me that they're cutting nurses in their hospital to hire RPN's instead
J: They're cutting a cyst in her uterus?
me: What the? Where'd you get that?
J: Why? What did you say?
me: *explains it again
J: See, I'm even right beside you and I can't hear properly
me: That's not a good reason

I hate having to repeat myself and J puts this to the test almost everyday. I have a feeling he is slightly deaf in one or both ears - that or I just speak too light. Erm.
--------------

Is it weird that I yell out yoink when I'm about to take something?

give me a break

2010-01-16T12:32:00.003-05:00

J can be a wall that can be challenging to talk to. I've tried to tell him things as blunt as I can and at times sugarcoated when I feel like it but so far nothing sticks. I wonder if my communication skills is at fault or whether he is doing this in purpose.

I think I'm being too hard on him sometimes.

I'm waiting for him to tell me to shut up. Really.
------------------

Another 13.5 hours of work gone by courtesy of unwanted overtime. I wouldn't be so cranky if I just had a 30 minute break to eat my lunch peacefully. I don't blame my patients. Who wants to stay in the hospital anyway? They are there for a reason and so am I. It's the workload I'm not too happy about.

I also heard a rumour that I'm good with students, which is why I'm given two at the same time. They follow me around hoping I would do something interesting or even worse to say something intelligent. I talk about the same old thing - I graduated about three years ago and I've been working here ever since. I try my best nonetheless because I still remember how it is to be a student.

In fact, I'm still a student. Everyday there is something new - literally.
------------------

Blank.

break time

2010-01-11T14:29:00.003-05:00

Once again I am forced to edit my life. I say life because I've acquired and kept them throughout the years and edit because I have to choose wisely.

Sigh.

I hate cleaning up cabinets and whatnots because I always get distracted by what's in it - cards, letters, memorabilias, photos and random things. You name it, I have it. I saw a bunch of magazine pages that I don't even remember why I found them interesting. Is it Eminem's picture or a list of songs at the back? Then I found sketches I did of cartoon characters and objects in scraps of paper. Are they worth keeping? Still there are those report cards from Kindergarten, school ID from grade school and program for awards night from highschool that I would like to hold on to for as long as I can.

Hmm.

Does it really matter? Do I really need to keep things from the past in order to remember them? I mean, sure my memory can be a little bit unreliable at times but how often do I really need to look back?

So far, the garbage bag is half full.

Goodbye newspaper clippings. Goodbye highschool exam reviewers. So long, random letters and notes. Thank you for the memories keychains. Goodbye mysterious cd's and floppy discs. Sayonara stubs, tickets and brochures.

Hello empty cabinet - wait til I fill you up again.

it's 2010

2010-01-07T12:56:00.002-05:00

Someone said it sounds futuristic.

I didn't really think of it that way until I heard it - in church. Erm.
------------

It's been a week since I welcomed the year with a non-alcoholic drink in one hand and a pen to chart on another. So far, I just feel older. My birthday won't be for months but somehow I can't help but feel the need to do something big this year. I'm not exactly sure what that entails though. Erm.
------------

J seems lost. I don't think he knows it, nor will he admit to it but I can tell. I'm just letting him be for now and hopefully he figures it out sooner than later. I can be impatient at times.
------------

What to do ...

happy new year!

2009-12-29T13:59:00.002-05:00

Another year gone by and it's like a blur. I'm excited for what will happen next because as much as I love planning, nearly half of what I plan never goes through. I guess that's the point. Erm.

I wish I could do a year-end post with more meaning but words escape me at the moment.
--------------

J is coming home soon and I made him promise to not leave me for this long again. Long distance has never been my cup of tea and I have a feeling I won't be good at it either. He was hoping I could be there to welcome him and possibly be there when he turns a year older but I'm working. Sigh.

Now if only someone would take my shift (any excuse to not work is fine by me).

I probably shouldn't do that though since my credit cards have suffered this month.

In-charge + night shift premium + weekend premium = better pay

The only problem is when you account the stress it puts me everytime I'm in-charge, it's still not worth the money. Hmp. At least I'm not hospital in-charge like my friend. Now that's a whole new level I won't be participating in. :S
-------------

Anyway,

Happy New Year!!

Another year of blogging/venting ;)

tis the season to be jolly

2009-12-19T21:47:00.002-05:00

The safe party was just last night. A doctor joked that hopefully the next day, no one will remember what happened - if something does occur. Erm.

Of course, I'm always wary with work parties since these are the people you mostly try to be on your best behaviour and hopefully get some sort of a respectful relationship going. Unfortunately, there's an open bar to make up for an expensive fee you paid for to attend the party too.

No, I didn't drink too much -one glass of wine and a few glasses of a mixture I don't know the name of.

The only thing I have to worry about now is the dreaded uploading of pictures from whoever had their camera on hand to "document" the entire night. I don't think I did anything crazy. dun dun dun
-------------
New record: no phone call for 5 days; no text from him (2 from me); and a few one-liner message in facebook
-----------
I want to watch Avatar and Sherlock Holmes.
----------
Would you get jealous if you see your boyfriend/girlfriend dance with everyone on the dance floor?
---------

It's almost Christmas and I am not done my shopping and it doesn't seem like I'm ready for the inevitable what-did-I-learn-this-year reflection. Sigh.

My mind is playing tricks on me. I know it.

all i want for christmas

2009-12-11T11:59:00.002-05:00

I guess it will be a white Christmas afterall.

Fortunately, I have a warmer winter jacket to use this time around.
---------------

It's not totally weird to stay in a hotel alone is it? Erm. Whether the answer is a yes or no, I guess it really won't change the fact that I will be staying in one next week. Hotels to me are fascinating and a mini vacation in itself. I remember the first one I've been to in Philippines when my aunt decided to bring me along before her family left for US. I thought it was the best thing that could have happened to me at that time. Nowadays, it's not a big deal to stay in hotels especially because of various promotions and sales but it still excites me nonetheless.
--------------

Last week I was surprised with "you're in charge again for two days" intro as I walked in late for work. Normally, in-charge nurses come in at 7 am to get and give report to doctors and other nurses. Sigh. First day, I survived and the second day was a disaster.

I hope I get better at this. But better yet, I hope I don't need to be in-charge day or night anytime soon again.

guilt

2009-12-06T22:29:00.001-05:00

I did the unthinkable.

ACK!!!

I have NEVER done it before and before I knew it, I did it.

Blah.

Must. NEVER. do. it. again.

NEVER!

the end.

there she goes

2009-12-05T22:56:00.002-05:00

After much deliberation and procrastination, I left home with the conviction that Christmas shopping needs to be started if not done. Four hours later, I spent hundreds of dollars half belonging to me and the rest for interchangeable gifts. I am, afterall, easily distracted.

I wore heels partly for this reason - I need some sort of limit. Pain is a reminder that much time has been spent which in turn translate to money. Erm.

Unfortunately, I didn't get what I really needed - winter boots, warmer jacket and a dress

-----------------

It seems like I have no one to talk to lately. I miss that. I miss J. *mushy* Outside the confines of the hospital walls, he's really the only one I can talk to about my coworkers and my stressful day at work. So far, our minute conversations every other day consists of bad signal and random musings about where he is going.

Before he left, he stashed his cologne in my bag. He remembered that I requested it for when he left for Japan. I'm still a sucker for small gestures.

hello december

2009-12-01T23:31:00.002-05:00

I finally put up the Christmas tree complete with lights and newly bought ornaments. I volunteered to get new ones since I'm not really keen on repeating last year's silver and blue theme, which incidentally was my idea too. After all that effort, my dad said "akala ko ba mamahalin bibilin mo, eh pareho lang". Sigh. Sometimes, you really can't win. Anyway, this year's colour scheme is purple and gold. I might end up buying more ornaments just to make it different but it will all depend on my budget. Erm.
---------------

It's day two of J's month long trip and he has called me more times than when he is here in a day. Erm. Someone's gonna pay a hefty phone bill. I've been convincing him to just borrow an old cellphone from his cousin and buy a sim card but so far he's being stubborn.
--------------

I bought three DS games to make myself busy this December (1) racing game (2) mystery-that-needs-to-be-solved-with-too-much-talking game and (3) i-can-be-a-surgeon-too game. So far, I'm failing in all three. Erm.
--------------

For 5 nights, I was the in-charge and on one of those nights I almost cried. On the upside, I know now not to bug the in-charge with mundane details.

where's peter pan?

2009-11-16T14:18:00.002-05:00

Why would anyone name their daughter "Princess Tinkerbell"? Erm. I'll leave it to that because trust me, I have more questions brewing in my head right now.
---

Two more weeks and J will be on his way to a month long vacation where you ideally don't have to worry about anything except what yummy food you have to eat and what new things you'll see. It felt that way for me since it took a decade for me to come back.

I guess I'll have to be by myself for a month. Eek. This will not bode well especially around Christmas time since he keeps my budget intact, drives me to any mall I wish to go to and carries heavy bags for me.

And of course, the mushy things I won't mention. :D
---

My right wrist has been giving me trouble for the past few days. I'm not entirely sure if I lifted a patient the wrong way or some underlying condition when it gets cold out as J suggested. Yesterday, my coworker ended up wrapping my wrist in tensor bandage just to ease the pain. It did help for support but writing was a little challenging.

J has been insisting I excercise my wrist with dumbbells, take calcium + vitamin d supplements and possibly drink protein shakes. His stint in pharmaceuticals has been an advantage when I was still in school because he would quiz me but now he's using it to be bossy (at least that's what I tell him). I know he's right but I'm just being stubborn and in denial. Sigh.

say what?

2009-11-08T21:02:00.002-05:00

I finally met that person.

She said, my life has been good. I replied by saying, we all have our good days and bad days. Her comeback was there are better days, but no bad ones.

I may not know the details of her life but from what she said, some people might think that it's not that charmed afterall. So why this great outlook in life? I don't know either. If I went through the two things she mentioned, I probably would have a somewhat bitter taste in my mouth everytime I say life has been good.

Let's see how much of this will rub on to me. Even though I think I'm halfway there - I do think my life has been good so far with a few bumps here and there. :)

So far, I've just been overly dramatic about every minute detail of my life. Sob here. Sob there. What for? Ugh. I blame my hormones and everything else in between. Sigh.

She also said, when it snows just say - good things will come when it snows.

That one might take equally as long to convince myself that it is true. Hehe.

one, two, three

2009-11-02T13:27:00.002-05:00

- taking the H1N1 vaccine at the beginning of my weekend shift was not a good idea. aside from arm soreness, every part of my body felt like it was going to fall apart while my head burst from pressure. of course, i still worked through it in between popping tylenols and advils.

- i don't understand why people who haven't taken the vaccine yet feels like they have flu still go to work!!!! flu-like symptoms should be enough reason to stay at home. why can't anyone understand that? doesn't anyone watch the news??? argh!

- i didn't see one single halloween custome since surprise, i worked the night away again - same as last year. sigh.

- i actually like mild, cool fall weather.

- i have the urge to shop but have no drive to actually go through it.

- counting down to when j leaves for vacation. sigh.

- i feel blah.

i write for clarity

2009-10-30T14:54:00.002-04:00

Is it still considered okay when you don't think about it yet the memory still lingers in your dreams? He's still in my head - running and looking at me. It's not that menacing look anymore but still with a smirk. I feel trapped, not because of what happened in my dream but because I don't want this kind of memory to be with me resurfacing as it pleases.

----------------

I thought about starting new.

I haven't made up my mind yet. All I know is that it will be swift and a result of an impulsive decision. Regret will follow suit but that is another thought for another day.

--------------

Gloomy days are just not my thing.

goody good

2009-10-15T20:44:00.005-04:00

The visit to the doctor didn't give me any insight as to what else could be wrong that my body decided it will not cooperate with my ever-changing sleep pattern anymore. Light touch of the stethoscope here and there, palpation of the organs and it was done within seconds. Fortunately, everything seems to be in good condition. I asked if it was okay to take over-the-counter meds to ease up my insomnia and she nodded. Erm. The pharmacist on the otherhand sympathize with my problem. Oddly enough, he thought that nurses "don't do shift work anymore" to which I could only say, I wish.

On a good note, my prayers were answered last night and I did sleep for at least 4 hours. Tonight, I am taking a pill if it changes.

Did I say I finally got a doctor's prescription for a massage?? After two years of working and not once have I taken advantage of what could be a good hour of relaxation that I am paying through my benefits. Yey!
----------------

Fall? What fall?

Clearly, this is not fall we are experiencing but rather winter. Sigh.

breakdown

2009-10-13T13:18:00.002-04:00

Today, I called work at about 2 in the morning to tell them I'm not coming to work and then set my alarm clock to 5 am to email my student that I'll see her on Friday instead. Sigh.

Yesterday was just so tiring. I ended up sleeping for an hour before my body/mind decided to wake up. Yes, I was up from midnight waiting for my alarm to set off to go to work. Luckily, it was a holiday which saved me from dealing with about 20 people behind the nursing station and furthermore, having an excellent student that can handle three of my patients with ease. I was dragging myself from one room to another in between hourly affirmation that the day will eventually end. Sure it didn't help that I had literally, the heaviest patient on the floor but there were plenty of hands to help when I needed it anyway.

By 9 I was in bed waiting for a call and by 9:30 I hanged up the phone and insisted that no other goodnite conversation is needed.

After measly two hours, I was awake much to my dismay. I took Gravol in hopes of knocking me out but nothing happened.

I feel guilty for calling-in-sick because I know we don't have enough staff but my body and mind is at breaking point. I am not about to make any mistake at work because I'm not feeling well. Better to loose a few hundreds in my pay than my license and someone else's well being.

I'm trying my best to break this insanity before it gets out of hand. Vitamins - check. Eating enough - check. No afternoon naps - trying. Exercise - desperately trying. No more shift work - impossible. Sigh.

day 2

2009-10-09T06:15:00.003-04:00

because i can't sleep:

- played with the new ds game my brother bought. too bad yoshi can't run fast enough for me to finish the level 1-4. ugh. that or i'm not really coordinated or patient enough. now i'm wondering if i should buy the game trauma center. erm.
- finally finished the devils wears prada. this can only mean that i (a) re-read another book (b) buy a new book (c) force myself to finish some books i started or (d) actually start a book i bought long time ago.
- ponder whether i have a broken toe or convince myself it's merely the result of bad shoe choice. sure its painful and swollen but i don't feel like going to the doctor to ask. i'll give it another day or two. until then, i'll just have to make sure there's ample supply of blood going through it. if i can help it, no high heels.
- watch the filipino version of stairway to heaven. i am still trying to find time to watch the original korean version.
- stare at my phone to decide whether or not i should call j before he goes to work (i didn't because driving and talking on the phone is just not cool).
- reason to my parents that yes, i know its 4 in the morning but i can't help it if 2 weeks of night shift ruined my sleeping pattern again.
- debate whether i will actually wake up early enough to get a much needed haircut. whether i should go back to that guy who promised to cut my hair shorter next time while awkwardly asking me out or just find another salon.
- decide that this time i'll wake up before noon no matter what time this wide-awake-feeling goes away. also make sure that i set the alarm clock properly this time.

it's 6:30 and i am off to try going back to sleep. again.

wish me luck!!

it keeps going

2009-10-06T05:54:00.002-04:00

Saturday night was a disaster.

It started off as any other night we've been having - quiet and steady. Sure, quiet is a word no one dares to utter and acknowledge for fear it will change within a blink of an eye but we all knew that it was the word that defined the night before. A word that we hoped will continue through our weekend shift.

Pass midnight was when things got out of hand. I can still recall the events leading up to what is the most traumatizing experience I've had since working as a nurse and I'm still playing it in my head over and over again. Everyone, including management, was in disbelief about what they heard Sunday morning. A psychiatric nurse was even sent on our floor, during our shift to debrief and allow us to talk about our experience. It was that bad.

None of the staff was physically harmed but we're all emotionally and mentally exhausted.

I have never feared doing my rounds at night with a mere flashlight as I check if everyone is breathing and alive until this happened. I'm hoping this feeling will only last me a night or two because paranoid thoughts will not do me or anyone good.

I guess this is all part of nursing anyway.
--------------------
The psych nurse suggested that "if you're a writer then maybe you'll find it helpful to write about it". I'm not a writer but I'm a blogger.... does that count?

Besides, I can't write the whole account due to confidentiality issues anyway. Sigh.

Is it time to get back to Dear Diary?

Erm.
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Dream #129:

It was some sort of elementary and highschool reunion. J and I were sitting on the floor while I looked around as I mentally gave names to faces I haven't seen for years. One of my friends sat beside me holding my left hand while J held my right. The doors opened and everyone started to head to that direction. Inside looked like the interiors of a church with wooden pews and an altar at front while tucked in the corner was a huge screen TV playing a hockey game. I looked at J's direction while apologizing that I didn't know there was going to be a Catholic mass.

An announcement was made to head towards our right and follow the procedure. Another guy from elementary introduced himself to J because I had a mental block and couldn't remember his name. The instruction was to write my name on a piece of paper, roll it up and drop it somewhere. Apparently it was some sort of math/business game wherein they'll partner you up with a company and you get to decide the strategies.

Great, I hate math and what do I know about business was the only thing I could think of.

The end.
---------------
I woke up at 3 in the morning and read a dozen pages of The Devil Wears Prada before I decided to eat my breakfast.

It's 6:30 now and I'm hoping my body and mind will cooperate this time and let me sleep a little longer.