Emotional disaster

Sometimes I feel like I have no one to confide my inner thoughts for fear they will be rejected as silly or even worst, pathetic.

It's this kind of voice in my head that makes me feel as if I'm a glass full of water that always spills even with a small nudge. One word or one wrong move, regardless if it's intentional or not, results in me reacting too strongly. I know I shouldn't but it's hard to do otherwise.

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The brief walk around the neighbourhood eased my bored mind. It didn't matter that it was raining and windy - it actually felt good. it was relaxing. Although city air is not exactly the recommended fresh air, I welcomed it. 

Fall is definitely not my favourite season but today was just perfect.

it's been awhile

Every now and then, I question where my life is heading. Are all my decisions right? Right for now? Right for my future? Am I really doing what I want or is my life really just a product of everyone else's idea of how it should be?

Sometimes, I even wonder if I am contented because I'm scared to explore another possibility or simply because I am really where I want to be. 

I really don't know.

Despite of these thoughts, I am mostly happy. :)

oh june

It feels silly to write my thoughts now.

It feels unnatural to share and talk about my problems when just merely thinking about it makes me feel silly. It really shouldn't be a problem. The solution is simple yet I choose to make it complicated. 

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I hope to write again one of these days. Not about problems but about blessings and happiness.

Sometimes I try to write but nothing comes out.


Lots of exciting things to talk about but I'd rather literally write them down. Doodles with colourful pens, stickers and all. 


Did I mention I bought $50 worth of stickers? Erm.


Why must it be so easy to swipe that credit card? And why must there be so many cute things to buy? 


You would think at the age of 27 I would be more practical and not be swayed by cute things so easily but that is not the case. It was probably in my best interest that I stayed at the hotel for one day out of fatigue. Yes, fatigue. But now, thinking about it, I could have explored more that day. Sigh.

thoughts

i like talking to myself.

a conversation between my heart and head. which one should i follow? ideal or practical? yes or no?

the questions linger but the answers never come.

i'll just let things unfold, i convince myself.

is it me or is it you?

i figured one of these days, what's meant to be will happen.

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me: what would you do if i become a zombie?
him: i don't know. i'll be a zombie too so we'll be together.

me: what would you do if i'm a vampire?
him: i'll let you bite me.

me: what would you do if i become a bunny? will you keep me?
him: they poo everywhere and they're tiny poo. i don't want to keep one.

(true story)

:S

i am a star

I've been feeling down lately because of relationship issues (as if it wasn't that obvious looking at my sappy blurbs) and work-related uncertainties.

My anxiety level has increased to more than usual. I dream about work the night before if only to have a nightmare about not giving medications on time. Oh the horror.

My saving grace as I called it the moment I saw it was a star pin given to me by a patient. He donated some money to the hospital on my behalf.

I wear my pins (2 in 4 years of service) to remind myself that I still make a difference. Who knew such a small thing can make me feel better. :)

hello and goodbye

dear blog,

will i regret your existence eventually? am i foolish to keep a public journal of my life even if no one is really reading it?
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dear life,

i realized that i don't like making lemonades out of the lemons that you give me. it's sour regardless of the countless sugar packets i pour. can i be given something different for a break? thanks.

besides, it feels like i'm merely breaking down instead of being stronger. it is a character flaw i recognize too well.

i'm singing - smile while your heart is aching.
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dear career,

where are you taking me? should i start to look for something different? the stress level you bring me on a daily basis is starting to wear me out. the regrets, worries and anger is constantly adding on.

tell me it will be better.

tell me i'm still making a difference.
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dear new year,

hello.

i am looking forward to what you have in store for me. will i be travelling? will there be more laughter than tears? i certainly hope so.

i am really not asking for too much.
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dear God,

please keep me strong in mind, body and spirit. may i be an example of what it is to be a christian person even if its only a fraction of Your definition in my thoughts, words and actions.