Thursday, July 26, 2007

money, money, money

It's pay day today and I have yet to see my hard work translated into $. Since this is my first salary, I'm overly excited and checked my account as soon as I felt like it wasn't too early to exert effort. Disappointment never fails to disappoint me though. It wasn't there and two things ran through my head: (a) Did I give the right banking information to pay roll? (b) Is it really pay day today?


Maybe I'll just wait. It's not like I had plans to go out and spend said hard-earned money on maybe a laptop or much needed shoes. Anyway, I'm drawn to the Sony VAIO's cuteness. Gasp. How can I possibly choose a laptop this way? Well, it's because I've consulted computer geeks (yes, they know I call them that and I say it with affection. haha) and it's okay. As for the shoes, I have to wait until we cross the border and shop at Buffalo. I'm still undecided about the laptop and might only be convinced if only I can see how much I earned.

And since I know Disappointment almost always shows up like an uninvited guest at the most inopportune time, I decided to round up my expected salary to the lowest possible amount. Apparently, deductions are a killer. So now, I wait.

Tomorrow and the rest of the weekend will be spent sleeping during the day and working at nights. Hello pimples and eyebags. Goodbye bed.

Memory lapse moment:
him: Remember when we passed by that dinosaur foot print and I pointed it out to you?
me: When?
him: hour ago?
me: Are you sure I was listening when you were talking?
him: Yeah. You even said something.
me: Oh. I honestly don't remember that conversation.

I wonder what else my memory has been depriving me of?!

Friday, July 20, 2007

are you happy now?

As I listen to this Michelle Branch song, my state of mind changes into a particular mood reserved for a lazy Sunday afternoon or a rainy day spent lying in bed. I automatically link it to a time that generated a feeling of discontent about the various aspects of my life. In other words, for me it's a thinking song.

A friend of mine asked me if I was happy. I am a reluctant optimist. I always hope for the best and try to see the good side of things but is inevitably followed by the thought that some things are too good to be true. In some ways, it limits my happiness. I almost always have to think of a plan B just in case things don't turn out the way I wanted them to. It is draining and frustrating to say the least.

I don't exactly remember what was included in my things-that-make-me-happy list but I have a feeling it's somewhat silly or superficial. I can almost hear myself say, "eating strawberry cheesecake icecream on a hot day". Sometimes I say I am happy without hesitation. Other times, I can say I am content. Whether those two things are different or not is something I care not to worry myself over.

I remember a Bible study I participated in probably more than ten years ago. The aspiring-pastor-slash-cousin's fiancee asked, "what's the difference between joy and happiness". I vaguely remember what the answer was but it did made me wonder which feeling I associate myself more these days.

I don't know where I am getting at or the point of this entry. Blame it on the song, it made me think.

In any case, I passed my exam and I am now officially a registered nurse. I am happy and relieved about the result. Did I also mention that I am scared out of my mind? :$

Saturday, July 14, 2007

do you think of me too?

Taken from Whattheduck

This is how I've been feeling lately. My attention span rivals that of a one year old playing with a toy truck. As soon as I see something remotely interesting other than what's in front of me, I'm gone mentally way before my body decides to move. I lose interest in things so easily that thinking about it is a distraction in itself. Sigh.

As if that isn't bad enough, my memory is as dependable as the weather forecast for the week. I forget the topic of conversations even if it was just five minutes ago or it takes a lot of effort to remember certain events/things that were once embedded in my memory. Even more frustrating is knowing that you know whatever it is but for the life of you can't seem to recall the more important aspect of it. Sigh.

I guess it doesn't help that my mind if filled to the rim with trivial information, useless thoughts, anxiety-inducing what-ifs and questions that are left unanswered. I wish I had some sort of filing system in my head to organize my thoughts accordingly or at least prioritize them.

An acquaintance asked me if he already told me his life story. I joked that my memory is not that great and I'm not exactly sure what was said during our last conversation. He retaliated by saying it's probably because I only think about my boyfriend. I laughed and replied with a casual, "if he's the only thing in my head, then I wouldn't mind". I figured I don't need to tell him what I really think of most of the time. After all, a comment like that means two things to me. First, he doesn't know me enough. Second, I don't care about his life to file his love story in my memory bank as things-to-remember-no-matter-what category. As if I don't have enough useless information in my head. Sigh.

For now, I'll have to rely on this shady memory of mine and pray that the things I actually pay attention to matter. It would be a shame if I end up forgetting and dismissing what I once found interesting and important.

Thursday, July 12, 2007

counting the hours

A week of orientation - 4 classroom days and one on the unit.
I'm tired.

I have been accustomed to sleeping late and waking up at 9 or later for the past few months that it was next to impossible to adjust to my new schedule. My eyes are so puffy every morning that no amount of makeup can hide the four hours or less sleep I had.

Everyday for 8 hours, newly hired nurses were given presentations about everything from work benefits to basic respiratory care. My brain was probably half asleep for most of it. Sigh. I couldn't even think straight when I had to fill out a form for life insurance especially the part wherein I get to decide who will receive the money when I die and how much percent they will get. I kept thinking how morbid it was to fill out such a thing. Errr.

As for the unit, it kind of felt like home. Luckily, I knew the nurse I was shadowing for the day and I was also with a new grad. My preceptor and the nurses from my rotation last semester were there too which made me more comfortable and less anxious. Sadly, I'll be in another rotation when I actually start which means I wouldn't know who they are. Sigh. And even more daunting is I'm officially starting on nights. Eek. I guess insomnia will be my friend. I have a feeling that my sleeping habits will be more screwed up than it already is. Three days straight of nights, 1930-0730. Ack!

Too bad I won't see the fruits of my labour until the last week of July - pay day. :D

Sunday, July 8, 2007

i promise, now it's your turn

Can I tell you a secret?
Yeah, sure.
But you have to promise that you'll never tell anyone. Not even your boyfriend.
Oh that kind of secret? Are you sure you want to tell me?
Okay then.

I often joke that promises mean nothing to me. At least I try not to put much importance to it because they are after all made to be broken. But in some cases, secrets are secrets and they are meant to stay that way.

A friend of mine once said that when someone tells you a secret, it is expected that you will tell someone about it. According to him, we all have this need to share what we know and the one person we tell it to is the exception in the "tell no one" clause. It can be a boy/girlfriend, a sibling or a friend. It's not because you want to spread the secret entrusted to only you (at least that's what you are led to believe) but it's because it's in our nature. As simple as that.

As for this secret that my friend told me, I think I might just have to break that assumption. Maybe I really don't have to tell anyone. Not even my boyfriend. Yup, not even him.


Can I keep you forever?
I promise.

Tuesday, July 3, 2007

long weekend musings

couch potato moment: I realized that watching TV with him for 6 hours means that the remote control will have a workout. Out of all the shows he could pick, he decided to watch truck racing - lap 48 out of 200. *yawn* Since my attention span will never last that long, I switched it to a comedy show. That didn't last long either and we're back to the Discovery channel talking about how toothbrushes are made. I must agree that its fascinating but when they started talking about big machines, my brain decided to give up again. I'm happy to say that I did eventually win because I begged that the Linkin Park concert will give me great joy. He decided to sleep. Haha.

it's a small world #26: when you see your dentist on a debut when you were absolutely sure there would be no connection

dream #52: riding a motorcycle on a mountain road wherein one false move would mean death. It was exhilarating! I even got a lesson from my uncle who taught me how to turn the bike while almost touching the ground. The move was called Yugi-oh. Haha.

there's always a first time #40: drive-in theater. Last year, he asked me if I wanted to go for our first date. I said no because it was too far and I think my parents would make a big deal out of it since it'll mean I'll be home wayyy past the pretend midnight curfew. Last night, my mom called in the middle of Knocked up asking me where I am and reminding me to go home soon. Of course this is unfair because my siblings stay later more often than I do. I think my dad's ignoring me because I got home around 2:30. Eek. Other than that, it was fun. :D

*all numbers are made up. :P