Thursday, July 29, 2010

quick, think fast

Was it boredom or relapse? I'm somehow convinced that it was a moment of weakness.

I know I should have moved on by now but the bitter taste still lingers in my mouth. There are days that it feels like nothing happened and then there are those that make me cringe at the mere thought of it.

I am hoping to break free and forget soon.

Then again, is forgetting the answer?

I am finally on vacation after two days. The only problem is, my mom is not too happy about my request to go away with J.

I am once again left to wonder, when does adulthood start again?

Is it only when I'm out of the house and married? Am I still not accountable for my own actions? Am I not responsible enough to make my own decisions when I can technically fend for myself already?

Questions, questions.

It's 5:50 in the morning, and I really should be getting ready for work.

I'm disappointed and I can't help but feel a little lethargic. I may just be a wind-up toy today. Ready to do the task I was set to do and nothing more. Afterall, it seems like I'm expected to be such sometimes.

Happy posts next time.
I swear.

Friday, July 9, 2010

take me away

Everything is related.
I can't help but think whether this is what's going to happen from now on.
Peace of mind will be a luxury I can't afford.
Holding back will be the new norm.
If this is the case though, I have no one to blame but myself.
It is, afterall, a choice I will make.
Sometimes, I feel numb.
It's a defense mechanism that makes it slightly bearable.
A distraction if I may say so.
But, slowly, the bitterness creeps in again.
I am brewing the perfect soup.
Anger, resentment and sadness with a pinch of contentment.
I am not a good cook and it shows.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

entry #123

I would like to wake up when everything is how it is supposed to be.
I hate change.
I hate disappointments.
I hate how things are unravelling.
I am tired of playing mindgames.
I am fucking sick of thinking too much.
Afraid to say and do the wrong thing.
Why do I get the punishment too?
I don't understand.
I don't wanna be that girl.
It seems like the farther I distance myself from her, the closer I am to becoming her.
It's a pointless battle.
I say one thing and act the other.
Can I just be two people then?
The one who can just move on and remain to be the one who can blindly accept how things are.
Why can't I just say fuck it like how other people would?
Let me vent.
Eventually my thoughts will be clear.