Friday, October 30, 2009

i write for clarity

Is it still considered okay when you don't think about it yet the memory still lingers in your dreams? He's still in my head - running and looking at me. It's not that menacing look anymore but still with a smirk. I feel trapped, not because of what happened in my dream but because I don't want this kind of memory to be with me resurfacing as it pleases.


I thought about starting new.

I haven't made up my mind yet. All I know is that it will be swift and a result of an impulsive decision. Regret will follow suit but that is another thought for another day.


Gloomy days are just not my thing.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

goody good

The visit to the doctor didn't give me any insight as to what else could be wrong that my body decided it will not cooperate with my ever-changing sleep pattern anymore. Light touch of the stethoscope here and there, palpation of the organs and it was done within seconds. Fortunately, everything seems to be in good condition. I asked if it was okay to take over-the-counter meds to ease up my insomnia and she nodded. Erm. The pharmacist on the otherhand sympathize with my problem. Oddly enough, he thought that nurses "don't do shift work anymore" to which I could only say, I wish.

On a good note, my prayers were answered last night and I did sleep for at least 4 hours. Tonight, I am taking a pill if it changes.

Did I say I finally got a doctor's prescription for a massage?? After two years of working and not once have I taken advantage of what could be a good hour of relaxation that I am paying through my benefits. Yey!

Fall? What fall?

Clearly, this is not fall we are experiencing but rather winter. Sigh.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009


Today, I called work at about 2 in the morning to tell them I'm not coming to work and then set my alarm clock to 5 am to email my student that I'll see her on Friday instead. Sigh.

Yesterday was just so tiring. I ended up sleeping for an hour before my body/mind decided to wake up. Yes, I was up from midnight waiting for my alarm to set off to go to work. Luckily, it was a holiday which saved me from dealing with about 20 people behind the nursing station and furthermore, having an excellent student that can handle three of my patients with ease. I was dragging myself from one room to another in between hourly affirmation that the day will eventually end. Sure it didn't help that I had literally, the heaviest patient on the floor but there were plenty of hands to help when I needed it anyway.

By 9 I was in bed waiting for a call and by 9:30 I hanged up the phone and insisted that no other goodnite conversation is needed.

After measly two hours, I was awake much to my dismay. I took Gravol in hopes of knocking me out but nothing happened.

I feel guilty for calling-in-sick because I know we don't have enough staff but my body and mind is at breaking point. I am not about to make any mistake at work because I'm not feeling well. Better to loose a few hundreds in my pay than my license and someone else's well being.

I'm trying my best to break this insanity before it gets out of hand. Vitamins - check. Eating enough - check. No afternoon naps - trying. Exercise - desperately trying. No more shift work - impossible. Sigh.

Friday, October 9, 2009

day 2

because i can't sleep:

- played with the new ds game my brother bought. too bad yoshi can't run fast enough for me to finish the level 1-4. ugh. that or i'm not really coordinated or patient enough. now i'm wondering if i should buy the game trauma center. erm.
- finally finished the devils wears prada. this can only mean that i (a) re-read another book (b) buy a new book (c) force myself to finish some books i started or (d) actually start a book i bought long time ago.
- ponder whether i have a broken toe or convince myself it's merely the result of bad shoe choice. sure its painful and swollen but i don't feel like going to the doctor to ask. i'll give it another day or two. until then, i'll just have to make sure there's ample supply of blood going through it. if i can help it, no high heels.
- watch the filipino version of stairway to heaven. i am still trying to find time to watch the original korean version.
- stare at my phone to decide whether or not i should call j before he goes to work (i didn't because driving and talking on the phone is just not cool).
- reason to my parents that yes, i know its 4 in the morning but i can't help it if 2 weeks of night shift ruined my sleeping pattern again.
- debate whether i will actually wake up early enough to get a much needed haircut. whether i should go back to that guy who promised to cut my hair shorter next time while awkwardly asking me out or just find another salon.
- decide that this time i'll wake up before noon no matter what time this wide-awake-feeling goes away. also make sure that i set the alarm clock properly this time.

it's 6:30 and i am off to try going back to sleep. again.

wish me luck!!

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

it keeps going

Saturday night was a disaster.

It started off as any other night we've been having - quiet and steady. Sure, quiet is a word no one dares to utter and acknowledge for fear it will change within a blink of an eye but we all knew that it was the word that defined the night before. A word that we hoped will continue through our weekend shift.

Pass midnight was when things got out of hand. I can still recall the events leading up to what is the most traumatizing experience I've had since working as a nurse and I'm still playing it in my head over and over again. Everyone, including management, was in disbelief about what they heard Sunday morning. A psychiatric nurse was even sent on our floor, during our shift to debrief and allow us to talk about our experience. It was that bad.

None of the staff was physically harmed but we're all emotionally and mentally exhausted.

I have never feared doing my rounds at night with a mere flashlight as I check if everyone is breathing and alive until this happened. I'm hoping this feeling will only last me a night or two because paranoid thoughts will not do me or anyone good.

I guess this is all part of nursing anyway.
The psych nurse suggested that "if you're a writer then maybe you'll find it helpful to write about it". I'm not a writer but I'm a blogger.... does that count?

Besides, I can't write the whole account due to confidentiality issues anyway. Sigh.

Is it time to get back to Dear Diary?

Dream #129:

It was some sort of elementary and highschool reunion. J and I were sitting on the floor while I looked around as I mentally gave names to faces I haven't seen for years. One of my friends sat beside me holding my left hand while J held my right. The doors opened and everyone started to head to that direction. Inside looked like the interiors of a church with wooden pews and an altar at front while tucked in the corner was a huge screen TV playing a hockey game. I looked at J's direction while apologizing that I didn't know there was going to be a Catholic mass.

An announcement was made to head towards our right and follow the procedure. Another guy from elementary introduced himself to J because I had a mental block and couldn't remember his name. The instruction was to write my name on a piece of paper, roll it up and drop it somewhere. Apparently it was some sort of math/business game wherein they'll partner you up with a company and you get to decide the strategies.

Great, I hate math and what do I know about business was the only thing I could think of.

The end.
I woke up at 3 in the morning and read a dozen pages of The Devil Wears Prada before I decided to eat my breakfast.

It's 6:30 now and I'm hoping my body and mind will cooperate this time and let me sleep a little longer.