Thursday, September 30, 2010

eat me

I found something new to love - at least for now.

Oatmeal Crisp with Almonds. YUMM!

I have been eating this cereal with a bowl of milk for breakfast, lunch and/or dinner. Sometimes, twice in a day. I have a feeling this kind of love might be short lived though. It's like how I felt about Coco Puffs. Sigh.

It's already October tomorrow just when I was about to be dramatic and sing, "wake me up when September ends".

October is all about apple picking, Thanksgiving, fall colours, rain and one month closer to another year. I'm about to bring out the heavy jackets, sweaters, cardigans and boots. This also means another excuse to go shopping. Erm.

I don't know where this is going.

Monday, September 27, 2010

its raining, its pouring

Today, I was pinched and punched. One left a mark while the other bothered me for a little bit. It's all in the days work I suppose.


It feels like nothing happened.

It may be for the better. I like to live in bliss. Erm.

I had a dream...

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

whatever comes to mind

My thoughts often wander between work, life, love, family and everything in between almost simultaneously. One after another I think of the possibilities and then just like that, move on.

I stumbled upon a newspaper article and learned a valuable lesson - "wherever you are, is where you're supposed to be". He said applying it to every aspect of your life will bring you peace and happiness.

Contentment, I suppose, is my take on it.

Every now and then I think, am I suppose to move up or on? Better pay? Get higher education to get out of the bedside and physical labor? Some people seem to think so. But I say, I'm good for now. Is it laziness or contentment? I am not sure.

When my relationship is shaky, to say the least, do I let go or hang on? Am I suppose to be with him or meet someone else? Is it contentment or fear? It's hard to say.

I dream of a different life sometimes. But needless to say, my life isn't that bad regardless of the stress, the problems and the hurt I have to endure. It is what it is.

And when all else fails, I'm convinced that the other life lesson is helpful - "smile as often and as genuinely as you can".

As much of a crybaby as I am, I do convince myself to live by this as often as I can. However hard it may be.



During a conversation over dinner, someone blurted out "you can't eat love". I wanted to say, "money isn't everything" but that might have prompted more discussion and I was too tired to participate.

Funny enough, I always tell my coworkers "that's what my money is for", when they tell me that they pity the guy who will marry me because I can't cook. :P

Hello take-out meals!

Horrible and not too practical I know. I guess that would be another lesson that I will eventually have to learn. :D

Saturday, September 11, 2010

letting go

I finally did it, I deleted my Friendster account.

Despite of the fact that I love having the option of being able to look back at messages, write-ups and profiles for the sake of remembering, I decided it was time to let go.

As a tribute, I will include the "About Me" section that someday may be useful when I feel that I have lost myself and need some guidance to find it again.

strawberry cheesecake ice cream addict a procrastinator reluctant driver a book lover and a music fanatic an optimist (most of the time) obsess with cherry blossoms and the colour blue afraid of roller coasters suffers from a mild case of insomnia laughs at anything and close to everything dreams of bungee jumping and sky diving someday (yeah right!) loves AE constant dreamer impulsive buyer TV addict loves the *click* sound the digicam makes frustrated karaoke singer supporter of iTunes

Thursday, September 9, 2010

checking in

I feel numb.

I find myself retreating to my safe place more often these days. A place in my head where no thoughts exist and I am safely in a bubble free from those that try to shatter it. If I can isolate myself figuratively and literally, I would.

I thought about staying in a hotel just for a night to dissect every event, thought and feelings I have. It is a gruelling task meant for a weekend retreat that I can only afford to do in one day. It is something I dream of when things are rough.

I am a runner.

I envision myself hiding in hopes that things will go back to how it was before the storm hit. It is what weak people do. It is what I want to do.

It is maybe for the same reason that I envy those who can face their problems, solve it and move on with their lives - regrets and all. I'm sure I was one of those people before. I must have stumbled somewhere and decided that it is far too tiring to be that way.

I know there are holes and cracks in my bubble but if I can just stay inside a little longer, I know I'll make it through again this time.

Friday, September 3, 2010

round and round i go

dinner table. with him. with her. with them. i order with clarity but confused as to why i'm even there. was i suppose to be part of this group? i doubt it. food comes, one plate at a time. the two start eating, oblivious of the fact that only their food arrived. they turn and talk to each other. again, i question my presence. i turn back and the waiters packed up every single dish in white containers as if saying time to leave. we hurry down. i still don't know why.
it's a pool party. everyone's there. i frantically look for my bathing suit afraid to miss out on the fun. she said her dad told her how inappropriate her bathing suit was. a t-shirt is in order. i check my luggage again. still nothing. i glanced back at the pool and they decided the front yard was far too small to have two pools. one square at a time, they rearranged the pool on the street instead. don't ask me why but it was possible.
i was at work. how many patients do i get? i don't remember. she's in-charge and i'm hovering. everything looks familiar with a twist. what's going on?

I am at home after a brief apologetic phone call last night to ask for a sick day. It always is a battle in my mind before I do so. There is always that guilt and responsibility versus reality. I am burdened by the knowledge that sometimes, there really isn't enough staff to cover the floor but what am I to do when I know my body will hate me if I go through with it. I convince myself that I am my own nurse to myself. It's distracting to feel sick physically, mentally or emotionally at work. It's never safe for anyone.

Today, I finished a compelling book within two days of picking it up. It's been a while since I've had time, energy or motivation to immerse myself completely on something. Ironically, it's about doctors and medical jargon. I can't seem to escape the medical field even on my leisure time. I'm not complaining, I feel privelege to understand it. Almost a little too much than I would like at times though.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

look at me

I can't seem to stop forming random thoughts in silence and then moving on before I can think about it any further. It is tiring and a little annoying. My attention span is playing tricks on me again.

Make up your mind!!!

I always thought that I have small eyes until recently. A patient's son interrupted our conversation only to blurt out, "you have very big eyes" which made me ponder whether it was a compliment or not. Didn't the conversation between Red Riding Hood and the Grandma Wolf started out that way?

Dun dun dun.
Once again, I was sternly reminded of my limited freedom. Details aside, I am left wondering if marriage really is the only possible option or solution.

I currently (because tomorrow and the following day will be different) feel that I would benefit from taking a course or at least pick up a hobby. This is usually a fleeting urge to break the routine I have day after day that often fades after a series of failed attempt.

Last Monday, I opted to clean J's place. A task that was challenging since I know how particular he is with certain things. When I do laundry, I normally have four categories - coloured, white, scrubs and jeans. As for J, I ended up doing at least 6 loads to accomodate his rules and I didn't even finish! I started at 9 and gave up around 6. If this was a real cleaning job, I wonder how much I could have made that day.

Come to think of it, I can charge him my usual hourly rate.