Friday, September 3, 2010

round and round i go

dinner table. with him. with her. with them. i order with clarity but confused as to why i'm even there. was i suppose to be part of this group? i doubt it. food comes, one plate at a time. the two start eating, oblivious of the fact that only their food arrived. they turn and talk to each other. again, i question my presence. i turn back and the waiters packed up every single dish in white containers as if saying time to leave. we hurry down. i still don't know why.
it's a pool party. everyone's there. i frantically look for my bathing suit afraid to miss out on the fun. she said her dad told her how inappropriate her bathing suit was. a t-shirt is in order. i check my luggage again. still nothing. i glanced back at the pool and they decided the front yard was far too small to have two pools. one square at a time, they rearranged the pool on the street instead. don't ask me why but it was possible.
i was at work. how many patients do i get? i don't remember. she's in-charge and i'm hovering. everything looks familiar with a twist. what's going on?

I am at home after a brief apologetic phone call last night to ask for a sick day. It always is a battle in my mind before I do so. There is always that guilt and responsibility versus reality. I am burdened by the knowledge that sometimes, there really isn't enough staff to cover the floor but what am I to do when I know my body will hate me if I go through with it. I convince myself that I am my own nurse to myself. It's distracting to feel sick physically, mentally or emotionally at work. It's never safe for anyone.

Today, I finished a compelling book within two days of picking it up. It's been a while since I've had time, energy or motivation to immerse myself completely on something. Ironically, it's about doctors and medical jargon. I can't seem to escape the medical field even on my leisure time. I'm not complaining, I feel privelege to understand it. Almost a little too much than I would like at times though.

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