Thursday, April 30, 2009

ding dong

... chimed the doorbell at 10 in the morning.

I treat the doorbell like I would the phone. I only answer depending on my mood and whether or not I have an idea of who it could be on the other side. I dislike unknown callers (as suggested by caller ID) as much as I dislike opening the door for unannounced visitors especially when I'm alone.

A young attractive man wearing a crisp grey suit with a Bible in hand greeted me. I was already uncomfortable to begin with because I was wearing my somewhat see-through pjs but there was no turning back anymore. He shared the word of God before he casually asked what my religion is. I answered with hesitation as I know it's not really religion but rather a lifestyle as I was told numerous times. He nodded with what I can only interpret as approval as if to say "better than nothing". I let him talk while thinking to myself that it was a good idea that I decided to put a sweater on top of what I was wearing. He thenpromised to come and visit again while I ponder the points written on the pamphlet.

I didn't want to be rude and dismiss his effort. Afterall, I know how much courage it takes to do what they do. Aside from that, when am I really home? I work most days and it's rare that I'm awake at 10 in the morning anyway. Erm.

Everyday I play different kinds of guessing games:
- Sunny or rainy? Warm or cool? Which will tie in with whether or not I should water my dad's plants
- Is there enough food to eat three times a day or not?
- Will he call or not?
- Will I be cranky or smile throughout the day?

I know... some are really choices instead of a game of chance but I would like to believe otherwise. I am stubborn or lazy that way.

I made the couch my temporary bed while my parents are away. I am now convinced that leather is not my friend and size does matter. Erm.

Monday, April 27, 2009

this is not the end, yet

I was doing perfectly fine when it unexpectedly hit me while praying. The pastor said something and next thing I knew, I was unable to control my tears. A few minutes later, it seemed like the well wouldn't dry up and I excused myself and stood outside the church. I'm sure it was cold but it somehow didn't matter. J followed and comforted me as I made faces to lighten the mood and stop myself from becoming too emotional.

The Church didn't know about what happened and somehow, I felt better that way. It wasn't until someone deduced my tears to what was written on my Friendster that they realized. Word spread throughout and when J's parent's asked me, I couldn't even talk. Instead, tears flowed freely and abundantly again.

The pastor called me to the front and laid their hands on me. A prayer for my Grandma and for my family was offered. I was comforted. In tears I felt some relief and comfort that God is with me. Every hug and handshake I got was very sincere and heartfelt. They knew my pain.

On a much lighter note, J treated me to dinner at the CN Tower's revolving restaurant. It took a little bit of time to adjust to the revolving part of it as we felt dizzy and odd. The food was pricey but some of it was good - especially the ordinary but yummy apple pie-ish dessert with a scoop of ice cream in the middle. This one could rival my Jello obsession anytime. Haha.

It actually felt like a first date with someone I've known for a long time. :)

I've been off work for a week and instead of boasting about how well-rested I am or how much sleep I've had, it seems like it's the exact opposite.

Friday, April 24, 2009

lub dub

Last night, my heart was beating with a sense of urgency. The kind that would wake you up at five in the morning hoping to find sunshine instead of darkness for comfort. It doesn't help that my imagination was still active from conjuring up weird dreams that it bled in to my present state. I'm not entirely sure whether it was my irregular heartbeat that resulted in a series of weird dreams or whether it was the other way around. I remember thinking to myself, "is this suppose to be a nightmare?"

Because if it was going to turn out that way, I didn't feel like staying to find out.

Birthday gifts I received this year: jewelry, fisheye camera and strawberry shortcake
Looking forward to: a promise of a good dinner and company

The sun is shining and I feel like hopping on to a bus without a definitive plan. I haven't done anything spontaneous lately. They all somehow fall in the category of being impulsive instead. The difference between the two may not be night and day but I follow my own dictionary anyway. I still have Saturday to plan for this. Wake up early, take my camera and just go.

Wish me luck.

If nothing happens, maybe that's as spontaneous as I get - imagining what-could-have-beens. Erm.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

it's my birthday

... and I'll cry if I want to.


I read this old joke in Bob Ong's book and it still cracks me up everytime I remember it as if it's my first time hearing it.

I'm kind of weird that way.

I don't need to make sense today.
I'm allowed to do whatever I want to, say whatever I feel like and not be held accountable.
That's the crazy me talking.

I had a pre-birthday dinner because my parents won't be here to celebrate with me. I kind of wanted to write off the day completely but my sister said we should still do something even though the circumstances is dreary. Sigh.

But birthdays needs to be celebrated.

I also want to say goodbye.
We will miss you.
That picture of you laughing will be embedded in our memory.
Say hi to the rest of the family long gone. :)

Monday, April 20, 2009

all out

I don't like working weekends and nights.

It's really unfortunate because I get paid more for doing so. As much as I need more money to support my various endeavours in life, I have managed to somewhat stick to my budget and keep my credit cards (mostly) in the zero balance state every month. This means that if and when I need to cut my 12 hour shift to 8 hours when the offer comes along, I am in liberty to do so. This week, I'll be 8 hours short on my pay and that will translate to a dent in my pay I will try to ignore. Haha.
me: Is there anything else I can do for you before I leave?
patient: Oh no. That`s it, thank you.
family member: Wait, I have a question. Are you always this cheery?
me: I try. It`s too nice outside to not be happy.
All along, the turtle had a plan. Day by day, he studied his environment and attempted a few times to escape the tiny aquarium that`s keeping him and another confined but well fed. Then last night, the great escape finally happened. He was nowhere to be found and even the cover of the aquarium looked as if it was untouched.

I admire him for this courage and his need to get out.

Unfortunately, there`s a reason why he`s in that tiny box. After minutes of searching, he was found in a carpetted corner hoping to go unnoticed.

I`m sure he`s back there, thinking of a new plot to disappear again.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

if everyday was like this

Why can't I just enjoy a simple moment without having to dissect the why's and what's of it? It's as irritating as that guy who doesn't know what personal space means. Erm.

But really, why do I have to think that something has to mean something?

A friend of mine that went through a break-up and an impending separation as they live together now realized that their relationship is much better than they were together. She said she doesn't have to think about why he didn't call or why they didn't go out that night. "It is what it is", is what she concluded. Simple enough.

So when that happens while in the relationship, is it good or does it spell trouble instead?

If that doesn't make sense, I have a fall back reason - I am weird.
I love Seinfeld.

"Why is nice bad? What kind of a sick society are we living in when nice is bad?"
Are you Italian?
No, no. I'm Filipino.
But you're name is Italian though.
I guess we borrowed it because we liked it so much.
I know a lot of people with that name in Italy.
I do too. There's a lot of girls with my name where I come from.
I am slightly disappointed. But who am I to expect something though. Sigh.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

of all the stupid things

While in report, I giggled like a school girl while the nurse in charge mentioned a patient's last name. No, I'm too mature to laugh now every time I say pee pee and poo poo. But no, I'm not that mature yet that I won't make a joke if it fits right in.

Did I mention that I still say whoopsy when (a) I make a small mistake or (b) I almost bump in to someone at work? Erm.
I have a penchant for blurting out a fake name when a stranger asks. I would just hate to know that some stranger can just scream out my name, if they're crazy enough, when I pass by them again at some other time. Highly unlikely I know, but I am one paranoid girl. Tonight, I didn't want to play that game though. I brushed off the question with a why as I calculated how long I have to talk to this guy until it's my time to get off. I don't like talking to drunk guys and I especially hate talking to drunk 25 year old's who just so happens to have an ephiphany that getting someone pregnant is not the way to go. Ugh.

Note to self: Either don't sleep or just pretend to sleep the whole way through to stay away from interesting people.
Two of my friends here are getting married the same day I'm leaving for Philippines. Erm.
When do you ask someone to stay and when do you let them go? Weird question? Yes. But ponder about it anyway. :P
This weekend will be filled with activities and I am somewhat happy that I'll be working nights next week. Insomnia is my friend and my enemy.

Another thing to be happy about: I'm not working nights while there's full moon. Things happen during full moon - trust me.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

a blurb day

Sometimes, I can be an emotional wreck. There's just something that builds up inside and tears will flow out of my eyes as if I flicked an invisible switch to turn it on and off. It's quite scary. It's weakness I am well aware of and weakness I can't seem to shake off.

It's annoying.
It's frustrating.

I want to be over it.

Now, if only I can shake myself violently without losing more brain cells than necessary, I would.

Monday, April 6, 2009

sing me a song

I am rarely without earphones when I am by myself outside the house. I like to shut other people's conversation out of my head and be in my own world. Then there's the need to mentally prepare myself for work too. I need a good song to be stuck in my head to blurt out once in a while while walking down the hall to get ready to deal with difficult patients. My sanity sometimes depends on that particular song - something to hum while I escape to my happy place if only for a second.

Some days, I get stuck with Womanizer and Day and Night.

Overplayed songs? Yes.
Sometimes, I don't mind though. I just need a good beat.
Lately, it seems like wedding questions have been umm popping up more frequently than they used to. At work, they ask if the day is coming and depending on my mood, my answer becomes (a) we don't have any money yet (b) I'm still helping my parents (c) it's not in our plans yet (d) he didn't ask me yet (e) I don't really know.

Then we also get these questions while at church. I'm not sure if people are getting antsy about it or whether they just want some sort of closure. Erm. I mean, have it finalized and certain. But why? What's the rush?

It's not like being married is the end all and be all of everything.

Too many thoughts in my head.
Stressed about work.
Uncertainty of what is to come.
Mind-numbing rationalization of my behaviour.
The need to be okay.

Excuse me while I listen to this. It reminds me of something I can't remember. A summer of some sort or was it during the school year? Who knows. All I know is that it's a song to just sit back and relax - no need to pick at the lyrics...

Friday, April 3, 2009

just another day

It's hard to talk about work without breaking the Confidentiality (yes, with a capital C) agreement that I signed as early as my first year in Nursing. I need to vent and at times I'm tempted to talk about these things to get it off my chest and mind space. Carefully hidden with every stories are details that will distinguish them from other patients. Sigh.

I guess we're meant to vent to and with other nurses. It's hard for other people to fully comprehend anyway without having every bit sound like some sort of tragedy or a sob story.

Today, I have another one.

A story meant as a warning to some, a puzzle to a few and maybe a game - 20 questions to name one. I'll tell you once it's over.

A Cheerios commercial leaves this song in my head: I Try - Macy Gray

Is it just me or James Bond never gets a bruise that will lasts more than 5 minutes?

Thursday, April 2, 2009

material girl

Pardon my materialistic side, but I am in the process of searching the perfect gift for myself. By the end of this month, I will have one (maybe two if my generous self overcomes my budget-conscious self) of these items.

This was the result of kind-of-stuck-at-home-on-a-sunny-day research. I would have said soul-searching but that would be borderline too dramatic and I would rather reserve it for such a day. :D

The first one is this little work of wonder to satisfy the poser in me. I saw it while browsing here. Kind of cool since my tiny tripod only works well when its on a semi to completely even surface.

I know, I know.. I just bought two bags recently but there is reason behind my madness. I bought two large bags to (1) be my carry-on type of thing to my trip in Philippines and (2) a work bag to fit all my clothes and baon for work. If I'm going to embark on this gaining more weight, slowly but surely, I need to pack more food to last the day instead of buying random things all the time. I even bought Jello at the sandwich place because I couldn't help myself, much to my coworkers' amusement. :S So you see, a small bag wouldn't do me harm. Sure it's Coach, but still. Erm. I'm not a shoe girl, I'm a bag girl. Haha.

As for the rest, I don't have pictures of them but I like the idea of a cheap lens that has gotten good reviews from almost all of the ones I read. Aside from being lightweight, it won't make a big dent on my wallet. I have yet to buy new shoes for either nursing or everyday walking and a Nike or Puma won't hurt. If the "buy one get one 50%" window sign is still there, I might as well buy two. Yes? No?

If anything, I am merely a window shopper. I have cut wayyyy back on my spending habits - except on food. :D This is also the end of this craziness. I will not mention them anymore (at least until I have acquired one). If wallet-dictates it, I am veering towards the Monsterpod. Haha.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

april fool

This month, I'll be 25 and will be battling a quarterlife crisis. Erm. Kidding. I wish I could spend it the way I did last year though - enjoying the sun (in the shade) and blissfully forgetting bills and everything else stressful. Ah Cuba, how I miss you.

I'm trying to think of something to make this month special and memorable but so far, nothing.*

If I had my way, I'll spend my birthday in a hotel and make use of their pool - if only to walk in it because I can't swim anyway. There's just something about hotels that makes me feel I'm somewhere else even though it's only 30 minutes away from my house. :$ If I also didn't have to think of money, I would impulsively (kind of) buy myself a camera lens and finally have a little bit more motivation to take pictures. And lastly, here's to hoping that J will give me something I didn't ask for nor hinted about. Afterall, I'm still a sucker for anything romantic. :D

Birthday list: summer clothes, camera lens, supply of sour gummy worms/bears, a trip to somewhere/anywhere