Emotional disaster

Sometimes I feel like I have no one to confide my inner thoughts for fear they will be rejected as silly or even worst, pathetic.

It's this kind of voice in my head that makes me feel as if I'm a glass full of water that always spills even with a small nudge. One word or one wrong move, regardless if it's intentional or not, results in me reacting too strongly. I know I shouldn't but it's hard to do otherwise.

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The brief walk around the neighbourhood eased my bored mind. It didn't matter that it was raining and windy - it actually felt good. it was relaxing. Although city air is not exactly the recommended fresh air, I welcomed it. 

Fall is definitely not my favourite season but today was just perfect.

it's been awhile

Every now and then, I question where my life is heading. Are all my decisions right? Right for now? Right for my future? Am I really doing what I want or is my life really just a product of everyone else's idea of how it should be?

Sometimes, I even wonder if I am contented because I'm scared to explore another possibility or simply because I am really where I want to be. 

I really don't know.

Despite of these thoughts, I am mostly happy. :)

oh june

It feels silly to write my thoughts now.

It feels unnatural to share and talk about my problems when just merely thinking about it makes me feel silly. It really shouldn't be a problem. The solution is simple yet I choose to make it complicated. 

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I hope to write again one of these days. Not about problems but about blessings and happiness.

Sometimes I try to write but nothing comes out.


Lots of exciting things to talk about but I'd rather literally write them down. Doodles with colourful pens, stickers and all. 


Did I mention I bought $50 worth of stickers? Erm.


Why must it be so easy to swipe that credit card? And why must there be so many cute things to buy? 


You would think at the age of 27 I would be more practical and not be swayed by cute things so easily but that is not the case. It was probably in my best interest that I stayed at the hotel for one day out of fatigue. Yes, fatigue. But now, thinking about it, I could have explored more that day. Sigh.

thoughts

i like talking to myself.

a conversation between my heart and head. which one should i follow? ideal or practical? yes or no?

the questions linger but the answers never come.

i'll just let things unfold, i convince myself.

is it me or is it you?

i figured one of these days, what's meant to be will happen.

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me: what would you do if i become a zombie?
him: i don't know. i'll be a zombie too so we'll be together.

me: what would you do if i'm a vampire?
him: i'll let you bite me.

me: what would you do if i become a bunny? will you keep me?
him: they poo everywhere and they're tiny poo. i don't want to keep one.

(true story)

:S

i am a star

I've been feeling down lately because of relationship issues (as if it wasn't that obvious looking at my sappy blurbs) and work-related uncertainties.

My anxiety level has increased to more than usual. I dream about work the night before if only to have a nightmare about not giving medications on time. Oh the horror.

My saving grace as I called it the moment I saw it was a star pin given to me by a patient. He donated some money to the hospital on my behalf.

I wear my pins (2 in 4 years of service) to remind myself that I still make a difference. Who knew such a small thing can make me feel better. :)

hello and goodbye

dear blog,

will i regret your existence eventually? am i foolish to keep a public journal of my life even if no one is really reading it?
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dear life,

i realized that i don't like making lemonades out of the lemons that you give me. it's sour regardless of the countless sugar packets i pour. can i be given something different for a break? thanks.

besides, it feels like i'm merely breaking down instead of being stronger. it is a character flaw i recognize too well.

i'm singing - smile while your heart is aching.
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dear career,

where are you taking me? should i start to look for something different? the stress level you bring me on a daily basis is starting to wear me out. the regrets, worries and anger is constantly adding on.

tell me it will be better.

tell me i'm still making a difference.
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dear new year,

hello.

i am looking forward to what you have in store for me. will i be travelling? will there be more laughter than tears? i certainly hope so.

i am really not asking for too much.
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dear God,

please keep me strong in mind, body and spirit. may i be an example of what it is to be a christian person even if its only a fraction of Your definition in my thoughts, words and actions.

what happens next

My mind is full of clutter - thoughts of anger, sadness and confusion.

I have no idea what to do that every time I think about it, my chest begins to tighten.

I'm conflicted.

Stay and be happy with whatever happens. Risky. Stupid. Bliss.

Leave and be strong. Safe. Smart. Heartbreak.

say a little prayer

I pray for strength.

To know when to hold on and when to let go.

I pray for clarity.

To understand things as a whole and not just parts.

I pray for guidance.

To know what is is right and what to do.

But most of all, I pray for peace of mind.

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I feel heavy. I have that sinking feeling something is wrong. Something is yet again out of place. I can't talk about it too much with anyone because everything I will do and have done is and was my decision.

it's seasonal

It was a strange dream.

My family and I were leaving. All our bags, including sleeping bags, were packed and stacked inside the jeepney. We hugged my aunts, uncles (including one who already passed away*) and relatives while saying our goodbyes.

The whole street was lined with our neighbors and family as we waved our hands. I had that heavy feeling knowing I won't see them for a long time.

There were people in my dream who I haven't seen for years. Some who I don't even know why they were in my dream in the first place. :S

* To my uncle - I still miss you. It was nice to see you if only for a little bit. This is not the first time I said goodbye to you in a dream and I have a feeling it won't be the last. Your laugh and your good nature will be with us forever.
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If no one reads me do I still matter?

I'll find out in a few years from now when I look back at how my life was. :)
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My patience for anything and anyone that irks me is getting exceptionally short. I feel like work has taken a lot out of me (more so recently) and without those little breaks wherein I get to vent or laugh, I will eventually blow at someone. Burst for their rudeness, demands and ungrateful ways.

One more implied comment about how their taxes pay for me and I will just have to say, "don't you think I pay enough taxes to not be treated like shit?".

Sigh.

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It's November.
Hello Christmas decorations.
Hello winter.

Guilty conscience

I have said something wrong.

I know this because I woke up at four in the morning, all of a sudden, thinking about it.

Funny how the mind works.

For what's it worth, I am sorry.

question and answer portion

The many questions that I am faced every single social gathering:

- When is your time?
- Did you guys talk about getting married yet?
- Did you tell him that you want to get married soon?
- So... when will we get our invitation to your event?
- When do I get to buy the dress to wear at your wedding?

Sigh.

This coming week, I will be faced with these same questions. My only weapons are my I'm-as-clueless-as-you-smile, let's-change-the-topic-maneuver and awkward-face-until-everyone-is-uncomfortable-look.

Wish me luck?

Erm.

no more drama

When it rains, it pours.

I'm quite annoyed at the turn of events. Apparently it's not just marriages that Facebook can ruin, even family relationships.

I hate it when people decide to air their dirty laundry. Why not pick a few choice friends or family to divulge every minute detail of your life through a phone call or even better personally rather than post and then tag everyone to see? Then wonder where the gossip comes from? Well, duh.

Ugh.

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Aside from that stressful turn of events, I came to work and found an envelope from the attorney general. I guess I might be called to court for something I don't remember. Great.

Is it time to move on and actually think about doing something else?

A manager recently approched me and casually asked what if I have any plans. I was dumbfounded enough to not have a decent response. She questioned my lack of interest to pursue a Master's degree which will open up more possibilities. Apparently I manage the floor quite well while being calm under pressure. Interesting.

She gave me until next week to let her know what the future looks for me.

Erm.

Unmotivated is what I am.

My enthusiasm even went a notch lower after that letter. Sigh.
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End of woe-is-me post.

boo hoo

I need to change.

Things definitely need to change.

If only I can snap my fingers and actually feel the way I want to feel and act the way I need to act.

If only it was that easy.

Until then, hello self-pity party with one person on the guest list, let me sing myself to sleep - it's my party and I'll cry if I want to.

who, what, where

I've been lazy and boring to say the least. Not bored mind you, boring. Erm.

Work is work. At the desk - smile and problem solve. At the bedside - smile and run around. It's not the same anymore. Moments wherein I feel I am genuinely a nurse and not someones maid seems far in between. I am a drama queen.

Home is home. My days off were spent lounging in my pjs with a bottomless tea cup and random snacks - a true couch potato (yes, I googled how to spell that). And of course, remote on one hand and the laptop on another. I'm cool like that. Or not.

Aside from that, I'm at J's nagging at how much of a guy's place it is. If I were a maid, I would have made so much money. We made a bet, I will pay $100 if I come and the place is reasonably clean and he will pay if it's dirty according to my low(ered) standards. So far, one win for me. Sigh.

Are we caught up yet?

Same old, same old.

bizzaro world

I had a dream that a bunny was stepping on my foot and that I couldn't get out no matter what.

It was weird.

Did I mention I was also chasing after a green pig*?

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Remind me that when it's my time to get married, I will try not to leave a lot of things at the last minute.

Sigh.

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* the pig actually resembles a stuff toy from childhood

letter#1

Dear blog,

I haven't abandoned you yet.

Love,

me

a month already?

A friend from back home messaged me asking for some monetary help for some problem I didn't want to question too much. I asked for a general answer and didn't bother to know the details. I agreed to help with some reservations because there are times even I have to say no to family. Almost everyday there was a message waiting for me when I can send it and that it is needed right away.

It's been almost 3 days since I sent it without so much as an acknowledgement it was received.

I don't want a "I-owe-you-a-lot" response, but rather know that my money went somewhere it was suppose to be. Is that too much to ask?
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* a guy with a black folder approached me *

Guy: Hi there. Where are you going?
Me: On my way home.
Guy: Would you like to be a superhero today?
Me: I already work in a hospital.

* I recognized the binder from a few young people scattered around the area asking for money for a charity. I do support a few charities every now and then but there are times that I know I can say no without guilt. Not all help is measured by how much money I give. *
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I want to fly like the guys who jumped out of the helicopters.
I want a car like Bumblebee that would play me songs that fits my mood and the situation.
I want to have a friend like Optimus Prime that will never let me down.

sigh

taken from: http://www.asofterworld.com/

post-vacation blues.

lost for words.

nothing big but annoying nonetheless.

sigh.

must. enjoy. the. sunshine.

i need an intervention

I went shopping. Again.

Sigh.

My bank statement is filled with random purchases and is definitely on its all time high this month. I was only suppose to buy a dress for a wedding and I came out of the mall with a dress and two spring/fall jackets. Wt. I am contemplating on returning one of them but knowing how lazy I can be, might mean I'll have to just wear it until I use it for what its worth.
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I have been staying at J's place to play house. It just means I pretend it's my place and clean and cook as if I live there by myself. For the two days I stayed, J was at work for 10 hours and home for 30 minutes to eat then leave for another 4 hours for school.

I cooked/experimented in the kitchen and much to my dismay, I only liked two out of four. J insisted it was all good and I say he's just afraid that I will never cook again if he criticized it (which of course may be true). :S He said I should try to cook sinigang and adobo next - I say don't hold his breath.

Weirdly enough, I find touching raw meat a little iffy. I would go with baking but measuring everything is a little tedious. Even looking for the ingredients was tiresome. I think I am not made for cooking.

Until that becomes more apparent, I am looking forward to the next dish on the list :)