talk to me

Look here / Hold on / *click / I wanna go to the beach / It would be about 24 hours from here / Not when you come from Saudi / *click / That's a nice one / *click / Let me just upload them in the computer

Would you like me to make your tea? / No, no, I'll teach you how to do it / Did I make it wrong last time / Yes, it tasted different / Oh *laughs / You shouldn't leave the tea bag the whole time. You have to constantly move it up and down to let it brew / Ohhh. I guess I never really had time to do it that way, I barely have enough time to have a cup of tea before going to work / Breakfast is really important you know / I know

Why don't you take a shower now? / But they're here already / Tell him / Maybe when they leave

What's wrong? / Nothing / Are you mad? / Nope / Are you upset? / Nope / I'm sorry / No big deal, I just wanted to let you know that sometimes you feel like a stranger. That's all

So that's how you play it / *laughs / Maybe here / You sank my battleship / I think I lost / No, not yet there's one more

Where are you from originally? / Philippines / How long have you been here? / About 10 years / So you were 14 when you came here. I don't detect any accent / *laughs It comes out when I'm nervous and at random times / I wouldn't have thought

* some are real conversations I've had while some are from my dreams

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Was it a dream or did I think of it? It felt so real and at some parts of the dream, I wanted it to be just that. Real. It's been a while since I've had dreams. I'm not sure whether it's because I haven't been sleeping well or was it the change to a fluffier pillow. Hmmm.

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I saw a rainbow after working a night shift. I saw it end to end with no breaking points. I guess, I saw the rainbow in its full glory - vibrant and uninterrupted. I took a snapshot of it without a camera. I don't think I need a picture to remember such beauty. At least not this time.

it's that time of the year

... so this is Christmas, and what have you done?

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

I want to say a lot of things, year-end reflection, hopes for the coming year, blessings in my life and everything else but there's too much. And well, little space. It doesn't help either that my brain is very much occupied by endless possibilities of what the new year will bring. :)

For those I can't greet, hug or extend my hand personally... here's one for you! A virtual hug and a firm handshake. :D

stress buster

Every patient and every case is different. Unfortunately, not all surgeries turn out the same because some turn for the worse, at times unexpectedly. Then there are the routine ones and miracles we all want to hear about.

Every now and then, I deal with death. The gasping for air and the different smell it produces. The system slowly doing weird things enough to result in many phone calls to doctors, other nurses and apologies to other patients for ignoring them. I cried once while watching the struggle. It reminded me of something personal and it was painful to watch and admit that there's nothing else I could do. I stepped away from the room, trying to hold back tears and compose myself to be professional. The emotional burden it creates is something to be aware of. I am constantly reminding myself to leave work at work but its easier said than done. I think about my patients and at times tempted to call to make sure I left them in good condition. It is something I intend to change.

Yesterday was one of those days. Death hovering around the corner and we could feel it. It has been a while since I had to prepare a body and although it was less traumatizing than I had imagined, I do not want to do it again.

I was almost in tears yesterday too. It didn't help that I had lunch at 4 pm with only a cup of tea to keep me going since waking up at 5 in the morning. I ate a wrap in 10 minutes and gulped a tall glass of smoothie before heading back out to face the rest of my 12 hour shift. It was definitely a stressful day. Sigh.

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Today's a snow day.
I left the couch only to get food and washroom breaks.
I'm still here waiting for a call.
Iritated at every minute passing by without the phone vibrating.
Sigh.

I wish I could make snow angels instead.