between you and me

The thought of failing scares me. It is not even about feeling stupid after it that I am worried about, it's the fact that EVERYONE knows that I am taking it.

My friends and I talk about it all the time. How many times have I heard my parents talk about money and how I can finally help pay whatever debt or loan we have acquired over the years? How many conversations have I had with family and friends about the fact that I am going to finally be a nurse?

I've joked so many times that if this ever happens, I will either (a) lock myself in a room and never leave the house (b) check myself in the nearest mental facility (c) commit an unspeakable deed (d) go back to Philippines and let four months pass by.

I'm an optimist but if my friend who is part of many nursing clubs a.k.a. smart-enough-to-be-invited-to-fancy-ceremonies, on the Dean's list and an all around A+ student almost failed the readiness test, what about me? I'm not stupid but I don't retain information as well as I used to. Sigh.

------------------

It seems like I have trust issues, relationship-wise. It's not that he isn't trustworthy or that I think he will ever cheat on me, I just feel incapable of giving myself fully. There's always that voice in my head reminding me to take a step back in case our relationship doesn't work out. Sometimes I just tell it to shut up but it comes back.

I don't keep it a secret. I tell him. He assures me and I say okay. It's a cycle.

-----------------

I missed the PostSecret exhibition because I was too drained from studying. The weather was also uncooperative and decided to rain at random times. I'm kind of disappointed because it's the only one planned for this year here in Canada. Sigh.

procrastinating

I'm at school at the moment.
Alone.
Semi-studying.
And half asleep.

The sun is shining and inviting me to go outside and play.
I can even hear the wind call my name.

But then I remembered, "all play and no work makes me stupid".
Or something like that.

I will resume studying.
Endocrine system. Check.
Neurologic disorders. Check.

Breathe in. Out. Repeat.

Every thought is distracting.

Lunch. Snack. Yesterday. Tomorrow. Friend. Weekend. Pictures.

Ack.
Sigh.
Ah yes, repeat the cycle.

talk, talk, think

girl: Is he cute?
boy: Umm... I don't know.
girl: It's a simple question - is he cute?
boy: I really don't know.
girl: Are you not secure about your masculinity that you can't even answer a simple question?
boy: I just don't know.
girl: Really! Is he cute?!
boy: Fine. I guess he is.
girl: Was that so hard? *sigh*

-----------------

girl: I'm returning this book and I would like to pay for my fines.
librarian: Okay. Can I have your card? [scans the card] That will be $3.50.
girl: [relieved and hands a $20 bill] Here you go.
librarian: [looks at bill and computer] Don't you have change?
girl: Not really.
librarian: [looks at computer more] Can't you pay it later?
girl: [irritated] I guess.
[walks away puzzled]

-----------------

girl: [thinking] Did he just say that...? But, I thought. Errr. Wow. Wait...but I swear he mentioned that... I guess not? Hmmm. Should I say something? Probably not. But what if ... ?

-----------------

girl: Do you want me to ask you permission if I go somewhere?
boy: Yeah...
girl: You're kidding right? I don't even ask my parents for permission when I go out. I just tell them.
boy: Well, I'm you're boyfriend.
girl: So? [giggling]
boy: How about just holidays and long weekends? What if I have plans.
girl: The key word there is if YOU have plans. You can tell me and then we'll go from there. How's that?
boy: [frustrated]

---------------

I can't stop listening to Yakap sa Dilim and Nakapagtataka.
I went through the Cardiac and Pulmonary system questions and realized I'm screwed.
I wore a tank top and a skirt yesterday because it clearly said 28 degrees but it didn't feel like it.
I haven't slept pass 12 since I came back.
I saw Knocked Up for free because of an early screening ticket and it's the funniest movie I've seen lately.