talk to me

Look here / Hold on / *click / I wanna go to the beach / It would be about 24 hours from here / Not when you come from Saudi / *click / That's a nice one / *click / Let me just upload them in the computer

Would you like me to make your tea? / No, no, I'll teach you how to do it / Did I make it wrong last time / Yes, it tasted different / Oh *laughs / You shouldn't leave the tea bag the whole time. You have to constantly move it up and down to let it brew / Ohhh. I guess I never really had time to do it that way, I barely have enough time to have a cup of tea before going to work / Breakfast is really important you know / I know

Why don't you take a shower now? / But they're here already / Tell him / Maybe when they leave

What's wrong? / Nothing / Are you mad? / Nope / Are you upset? / Nope / I'm sorry / No big deal, I just wanted to let you know that sometimes you feel like a stranger. That's all

So that's how you play it / *laughs / Maybe here / You sank my battleship / I think I lost / No, not yet there's one more

Where are you from originally? / Philippines / How long have you been here? / About 10 years / So you were 14 when you came here. I don't detect any accent / *laughs It comes out when I'm nervous and at random times / I wouldn't have thought

* some are real conversations I've had while some are from my dreams

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Was it a dream or did I think of it? It felt so real and at some parts of the dream, I wanted it to be just that. Real. It's been a while since I've had dreams. I'm not sure whether it's because I haven't been sleeping well or was it the change to a fluffier pillow. Hmmm.

------

I saw a rainbow after working a night shift. I saw it end to end with no breaking points. I guess, I saw the rainbow in its full glory - vibrant and uninterrupted. I took a snapshot of it without a camera. I don't think I need a picture to remember such beauty. At least not this time.

it's that time of the year

... so this is Christmas, and what have you done?

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

I want to say a lot of things, year-end reflection, hopes for the coming year, blessings in my life and everything else but there's too much. And well, little space. It doesn't help either that my brain is very much occupied by endless possibilities of what the new year will bring. :)

For those I can't greet, hug or extend my hand personally... here's one for you! A virtual hug and a firm handshake. :D

stress buster

Every patient and every case is different. Unfortunately, not all surgeries turn out the same because some turn for the worse, at times unexpectedly. Then there are the routine ones and miracles we all want to hear about.

Every now and then, I deal with death. The gasping for air and the different smell it produces. The system slowly doing weird things enough to result in many phone calls to doctors, other nurses and apologies to other patients for ignoring them. I cried once while watching the struggle. It reminded me of something personal and it was painful to watch and admit that there's nothing else I could do. I stepped away from the room, trying to hold back tears and compose myself to be professional. The emotional burden it creates is something to be aware of. I am constantly reminding myself to leave work at work but its easier said than done. I think about my patients and at times tempted to call to make sure I left them in good condition. It is something I intend to change.

Yesterday was one of those days. Death hovering around the corner and we could feel it. It has been a while since I had to prepare a body and although it was less traumatizing than I had imagined, I do not want to do it again.

I was almost in tears yesterday too. It didn't help that I had lunch at 4 pm with only a cup of tea to keep me going since waking up at 5 in the morning. I ate a wrap in 10 minutes and gulped a tall glass of smoothie before heading back out to face the rest of my 12 hour shift. It was definitely a stressful day. Sigh.

-----

Today's a snow day.
I left the couch only to get food and washroom breaks.
I'm still here waiting for a call.
Iritated at every minute passing by without the phone vibrating.
Sigh.

I wish I could make snow angels instead.

sound of silence

There are awkward moments and there are AWKWARD moments. And no, it's not during the silence after your brother loudly says ack-ward (note: also said with an accent). Errr. It's much worst.

It's the awkwardness after someone says something to you and you can't think of a reply no matter how much you squeeze your brain. It's also that moment when two people are fighting and they expect you to jump in anytime to put your two cents in. The only problem is that both are thinking you'll be on their side ready to defend them. And have you ever been involved in a conversation when he or she says something completely out of the blue and unexpected that a silent moment passes by for what feels like forever?

Yes. Yes. And yes.

Some people would say, what's wrong with a silent moment anyway? I say, plenty when there's clearly a "right" answer. Imagine a thought cloud hovering above your head anime-style with "..." on it. You may even roll your eyes, curl your lips or start to look around looking for an exit sign. :S

Sigh.

I don't really have a clear point.

Just so happens that awkwardness is in the air. I've been breathing it in while tumbleweeds are rolling along. Errr.

liar liar

I don't like liars. I don't necessarily hate them because hate is such a strong word and I'm not ready to use it yet. I guess it also doesn't help that we all have reasons to lie and I am not exempted from that. White lies are needed in some situations while some lies are well, for the sake of making life easy. At least for the time being.

I'm not pointing fingers either because I'm not a saint but I'm just currently fed up. I mean if you're gonna lie, you should at least have the decency to make it good, in the sense that you make sure people won't find out. What's the point of all these "story-telling" when everyone knows you're lying anyway? And to add insult to injury, you should also make sure that those people you are in cahoots with know the story you are spreading. It's kind of pathetic when you're telling two different lies to cover up something. Sigh. Please be better. Either don't get caught or don't lie at all.

Again, I'm not saying I always speak the truth. It is hard at times and I do shut that voice in my head. And just to make it clear, I have been caught weaving my very own web at different times too. Sigh.

Anyway (back to my point), the amusement I felt about the fabricated stories died down and I'm just left with disbelief. Sometimes there's really nothing much to say and I can't help but just shake my head at the thought of what you've become and what you've led yourself to believe. You're even lying to yourself!

I'm really just fed-up. There's an elephant in the room and it's getting bigger and bigger. Stop giving it food!

The end.

the mother of all ber's

The build-up for that one special night, not counting New Year's officially started this weekend. We went to the other side of the border to take advantage of their Thanksgiving sale much to our disappointment because we only managed to buy a few gifts. And just like every shopping trip, I only saw one sweater I like while he bought shirts and sweaters. Sigh. Even the Coach outlet store with a line-up wasn't enough to convince me to shell out a few hundred bills. I am getting better. Really. :S

Finally, Christmas won't be the same without our not-so pleasant looking tree in the corner. I decided that the red and green theme for the past few years was getting kind of old so a visit to Ikea finally had a purpose other than furniture shopping. The theme of this year *drum rolls* is silver and blue. It might need a few more ornaments to make it look better though. Hmmm.

I'm just waiting to hear my favourite Christmas song, Baby Its cold outside.

****

I might get New Years eve off! Woo hoo! I hope my manager approves the request because my coworker really wants to exchange days. This will be one of the times I dont care for time-and-a-half pay because well, I get to spend time with family and welcome the new year not-so-stressed frantically answering call bells. :D

****

Purple is my favourite colour now. Err.

****

I remembered my slightly nerdy highschool crush after talking to one doctor. It wasnt about looks, although they were not hard to look at either, but more about brains. There is something about smart guys. :D The only difference between them is that the first one had that out-of-bed look in addition to his out-of-the-hamper clothes while the latter had ironed shirts, clean cut hair and a lab coat. Errr. And J knows about this crush. He just retaliated with a story about his equally hot looking receptionist at his work. Hmp.