what happens next

My mind is full of clutter - thoughts of anger, sadness and confusion.

I have no idea what to do that every time I think about it, my chest begins to tighten.

I'm conflicted.

Stay and be happy with whatever happens. Risky. Stupid. Bliss.

Leave and be strong. Safe. Smart. Heartbreak.

say a little prayer

I pray for strength.

To know when to hold on and when to let go.

I pray for clarity.

To understand things as a whole and not just parts.

I pray for guidance.

To know what is is right and what to do.

But most of all, I pray for peace of mind.

-------------------

I feel heavy. I have that sinking feeling something is wrong. Something is yet again out of place. I can't talk about it too much with anyone because everything I will do and have done is and was my decision.

it's seasonal

It was a strange dream.

My family and I were leaving. All our bags, including sleeping bags, were packed and stacked inside the jeepney. We hugged my aunts, uncles (including one who already passed away*) and relatives while saying our goodbyes.

The whole street was lined with our neighbors and family as we waved our hands. I had that heavy feeling knowing I won't see them for a long time.

There were people in my dream who I haven't seen for years. Some who I don't even know why they were in my dream in the first place. :S

* To my uncle - I still miss you. It was nice to see you if only for a little bit. This is not the first time I said goodbye to you in a dream and I have a feeling it won't be the last. Your laugh and your good nature will be with us forever.
-------------------------------------------

If no one reads me do I still matter?

I'll find out in a few years from now when I look back at how my life was. :)
------------------------------------------

My patience for anything and anyone that irks me is getting exceptionally short. I feel like work has taken a lot out of me (more so recently) and without those little breaks wherein I get to vent or laugh, I will eventually blow at someone. Burst for their rudeness, demands and ungrateful ways.

One more implied comment about how their taxes pay for me and I will just have to say, "don't you think I pay enough taxes to not be treated like shit?".

Sigh.

---------------------------------

It's November.
Hello Christmas decorations.
Hello winter.

Guilty conscience

I have said something wrong.

I know this because I woke up at four in the morning, all of a sudden, thinking about it.

Funny how the mind works.

For what's it worth, I am sorry.

question and answer portion

The many questions that I am faced every single social gathering:

- When is your time?
- Did you guys talk about getting married yet?
- Did you tell him that you want to get married soon?
- So... when will we get our invitation to your event?
- When do I get to buy the dress to wear at your wedding?

Sigh.

This coming week, I will be faced with these same questions. My only weapons are my I'm-as-clueless-as-you-smile, let's-change-the-topic-maneuver and awkward-face-until-everyone-is-uncomfortable-look.

Wish me luck?

Erm.

no more drama

When it rains, it pours.

I'm quite annoyed at the turn of events. Apparently it's not just marriages that Facebook can ruin, even family relationships.

I hate it when people decide to air their dirty laundry. Why not pick a few choice friends or family to divulge every minute detail of your life through a phone call or even better personally rather than post and then tag everyone to see? Then wonder where the gossip comes from? Well, duh.

Ugh.

-----------------

Aside from that stressful turn of events, I came to work and found an envelope from the attorney general. I guess I might be called to court for something I don't remember. Great.

Is it time to move on and actually think about doing something else?

A manager recently approched me and casually asked what if I have any plans. I was dumbfounded enough to not have a decent response. She questioned my lack of interest to pursue a Master's degree which will open up more possibilities. Apparently I manage the floor quite well while being calm under pressure. Interesting.

She gave me until next week to let her know what the future looks for me.

Erm.

Unmotivated is what I am.

My enthusiasm even went a notch lower after that letter. Sigh.
------------------

End of woe-is-me post.

boo hoo

I need to change.

Things definitely need to change.

If only I can snap my fingers and actually feel the way I want to feel and act the way I need to act.

If only it was that easy.

Until then, hello self-pity party with one person on the guest list, let me sing myself to sleep - it's my party and I'll cry if I want to.

who, what, where

I've been lazy and boring to say the least. Not bored mind you, boring. Erm.

Work is work. At the desk - smile and problem solve. At the bedside - smile and run around. It's not the same anymore. Moments wherein I feel I am genuinely a nurse and not someones maid seems far in between. I am a drama queen.

Home is home. My days off were spent lounging in my pjs with a bottomless tea cup and random snacks - a true couch potato (yes, I googled how to spell that). And of course, remote on one hand and the laptop on another. I'm cool like that. Or not.

Aside from that, I'm at J's nagging at how much of a guy's place it is. If I were a maid, I would have made so much money. We made a bet, I will pay $100 if I come and the place is reasonably clean and he will pay if it's dirty according to my low(ered) standards. So far, one win for me. Sigh.

Are we caught up yet?

Same old, same old.

bizzaro world

I had a dream that a bunny was stepping on my foot and that I couldn't get out no matter what.

It was weird.

Did I mention I was also chasing after a green pig*?

---------------------

Remind me that when it's my time to get married, I will try not to leave a lot of things at the last minute.

Sigh.

----------------------

* the pig actually resembles a stuff toy from childhood

letter#1

Dear blog,

I haven't abandoned you yet.

Love,

me

a month already?

A friend from back home messaged me asking for some monetary help for some problem I didn't want to question too much. I asked for a general answer and didn't bother to know the details. I agreed to help with some reservations because there are times even I have to say no to family. Almost everyday there was a message waiting for me when I can send it and that it is needed right away.

It's been almost 3 days since I sent it without so much as an acknowledgement it was received.

I don't want a "I-owe-you-a-lot" response, but rather know that my money went somewhere it was suppose to be. Is that too much to ask?
----------------
* a guy with a black folder approached me *

Guy: Hi there. Where are you going?
Me: On my way home.
Guy: Would you like to be a superhero today?
Me: I already work in a hospital.

* I recognized the binder from a few young people scattered around the area asking for money for a charity. I do support a few charities every now and then but there are times that I know I can say no without guilt. Not all help is measured by how much money I give. *
---------------------

I want to fly like the guys who jumped out of the helicopters.
I want a car like Bumblebee that would play me songs that fits my mood and the situation.
I want to have a friend like Optimus Prime that will never let me down.

sigh

taken from: http://www.asofterworld.com/

post-vacation blues.

lost for words.

nothing big but annoying nonetheless.

sigh.

must. enjoy. the. sunshine.

i need an intervention

I went shopping. Again.

Sigh.

My bank statement is filled with random purchases and is definitely on its all time high this month. I was only suppose to buy a dress for a wedding and I came out of the mall with a dress and two spring/fall jackets. Wt. I am contemplating on returning one of them but knowing how lazy I can be, might mean I'll have to just wear it until I use it for what its worth.
-------------------------

I have been staying at J's place to play house. It just means I pretend it's my place and clean and cook as if I live there by myself. For the two days I stayed, J was at work for 10 hours and home for 30 minutes to eat then leave for another 4 hours for school.

I cooked/experimented in the kitchen and much to my dismay, I only liked two out of four. J insisted it was all good and I say he's just afraid that I will never cook again if he criticized it (which of course may be true). :S He said I should try to cook sinigang and adobo next - I say don't hold his breath.

Weirdly enough, I find touching raw meat a little iffy. I would go with baking but measuring everything is a little tedious. Even looking for the ingredients was tiresome. I think I am not made for cooking.

Until that becomes more apparent, I am looking forward to the next dish on the list :)

early morning babble

the aftermath of night shifting is insomnia.

insomnia serves me well when i have to work nights because i can last the twelve hour shift without some sort of nap/break. unfortunately, it carries over for a few days which will leave me sleeping for three hours, if i'm lucky, before a 12 hour day shift.

sigh. the life of a nurse.

----------------

weirdly enough, sleeping around 1 and waking up at 3 in the morning can be productive - which may be a relative and loose term. erm.

- i finally caught up on watching two episodes of antm. morocco, you're officially on the list of places i would like to visit.
- two loads of laundry
- i can finally walk around the room with my eyes closed. the chances of falling flat on my face because of a shopping bag is less likely to happen now. it just shows how much i've been out of control. eek.
- conversation about one particular ER case my friend had to deal with. i am still speechless and horrified. wt.

-----------------------
shopping list want:
- perfume: i rarely wear one yet i want to buy this particular one i tried yesterday
- bag: the softest leather bag. why are you so expensive?
- rain boots: i "need" one.
- more tea: i have decided that my tim hortons affair must end and from now on will bring my own loose leaf tea to brew at work :)

i feel old

Friday: I left work in the middle of my 12 hour shift, at 1 am because of the pain on my left hip. Thankfully, we had an extra nurse who took over my patients. I couldn't really go home because I lost my keys and left my cellphone at J's car which only left me with one other option. I ended up taking a taxi to J's place since I have keys to his place that cost me $60. Erm.

Saturday: I called in sick knowing that I would be useless if I come with a limp. I slathered ointment on me every few hours to alleviate the pain with a dose of Advil for comfort. J was my slave for the day too for sleeping instead of picking me up. He said it was the most expensive sleep he's ever had. :S

Sunday: I still felt pain but since I have a student who needed to start, I convinced myself it would be okay. I think I restrained my hip - if that is possible because it's not as bad anymore. Who knew lifting heavy people has its benefits? :S

---------------------

It seems like I've been shopping almost every week. Erm.

My credit card bills are starting to scare me especially after booking our trip to Disney. I rarely carry any debt montly because I have a strict policy on only buying things I can afford. Hopefully it doesn't mean that I would have to take money out of my savings account. :(

I'm excited for our vacation though. It would be nice to feel like a kid again - minus the fact that my credit card will definitely be abused during those days.

meet my new friend

I can be spontaneous - sometimes.

I can be impulsive - almost all the time.

I was so excited, we used up the film within 3 hours.

I then couldn't wait to see the result that I went to the nearest mall to have my film developed only to come home disappointed. What do you mean you send it somewhere else?? What do you mean you don't have an hour to develop service anymore? Sigh. This only makes me want to buy a polaroid camera next.

The ever growing list. :)

and then a zombie was born

It's been months since I've done two weeks of night shift. Since my coworker doesn't need to be on permanent nights starting this week, we won't be switching shifts anymore.

Sigh.

It was good while it lasted.

I wasn't able to sleep during my break except for the 15 minutes I put my head down just to rest my eyes. Unfortunately, my mind and body would only allow me to sleep after I get home for 3 consecutive hours and then it becomes sleep-for-10-wake-up-sleep-for-10 cycle which can be more tiring.

Such is the life of a nurse.

Oh, by the way, it's Nurses Week. :)

-----------------

I booked our trip to Disney for June. There's finally something to look forward to again!

Did I mention it would be my third time to this magical world? :D

It's good to feel like a kid every now and then. The adult world can be frustrating and challenging as it is rewarding.

may-oh-may

Random generator:

- Does spring really have to mean rainy days almost every day? The weather forecast seems to be: rain-cloudy-sunshine-rain-rain etc.
- I was designated as the coordinator for a co-worker's bridal shower/dinner. Since the dollar store was more of an effort to find in downtown, I opted to go to an adult store for a fake bridal veil. It was interesting for a lack of a better word. :S
- It seems like I'm experiencing randomly localized sharp pain on my head more often than usual. It doesn't help that I work on a neuro unit which leads me to become more paranoid for what the possibilities could be.
- I have a student to follow me around for three months again. This means that I have to think twice before I give away shifts or ask for vacation. The good thing is that I cannot be in-charge for a while.
-------------------

The cherry blossoms will be out this weekend! I hope it doesn't rain. :(
-------------------

I had a dream that the scale said I'm 120 lbs. :D

In reality, a skirt I bought last year does not fit me anymore. Hmp.
Pro: possibly gaining weight
Con: buying new clothes

im 27 now, i think

I don't know when I stopped keeping track of my age. Almost every single time it comes up, I usually have to take a moment to think. Un/fortunately, I'm not the only one confused because my parents forgot to greet me on my birthday too. Erm.

-----------------------

I actually feel older.
Hmmm.

----------------------

Retail therapy is stressing me. I have been buying random things when I go to the mall. I was going to buy a gift for someone else and left with shoes for myself instead. I intended to buy a dress for a wedding I will be attending and ended up getting a white dress that I would not dare wear to someone else's wedding. Erm.

the sun will come out

I need a pick-me-upper. ----------------------------- I miss the library. I spent a good portion of my highschool lunch breaks in a cubicle eating my sandwich and finishing homework because I'm not a social butterfly. I think I developed the eye on the back of my head during those days to make sure the librarian doesn't catch me shoving food down my throat. Erm. University days weren't much of a difference. This time it wasn't because I didn't feel like talking to people, it was more of a necessity. My friends and I would book a room and review pages and pages of material only to bail out an hour early to window shop. Even weekends were not spared. The closest I get to that library feel nowadays would be at book stores. Browsing and not buying because I already made a mental note to download the book instead. Maybe one of these days. -------------------- Happy thoughts: - cherry blossom season is approaching! (I hope I didn't/don't miss it) - birthday week is approaching - two weeks off work (balanced by two weeks of being the charge nurse - a little bittersweet)

calm is the word

Allow me to vent:

There are times when at least half of my energy is solely devoted to stopping myself from blurting out - what the fuck is your problem?

I'm a fairly patient person so I am not exaggerating when I say that I've reached my boiling point. Sometimes I want to say, if you don't have the balls to say half of the things you mumble in my face or the decency to look me in the eye, then shut up.

I am not one to swear, so when I do, I mean it.

I am just so fucking irritated.

I really needed to vent so I can get it out of my system.

click

Something positive for a change:

I finally bought myself new lens for my underused camera. Hopefully, it will reignite my dormant creative self.

-----------
J: You don't like the lens that I got you?
me: It's okay but I told you I liked this one better.

* he refused to buy me the lens because he thought it was too cheap *

Hmp!
----------

Another reason to celebrate: Goodbye student loans!

question

When does a headache stop being just a headache?

pitter patter

There's something about tonight that's making me feel iffy. The sound of rain doesn't exactly help to alleviate the anxiety I'm experiencing at this moment. It's almost impossible to think of positive things and with the lights off, there's no distraction either.

In the heat of the moment, I looked at him only to find myself staring at someone who wasn't there. Unfortunately, I have no control over my emotions. I'm not even sure if I laughed or cried as soon as I noticed it but I do know that tears filled my eyes as soon as I absorbed what went on.

Tonight, I believe raising the white flag is appropriate. I give up. Maybe there is no point in controlling something or more appropriately someone when everything you do goes against their nature.

I then imagined how things could have been if things were different. It doesn't hurt to dream once in a while.

Out of frustration, I suggested we give each other a break. Maybe spending time only on weekends is sufficient and phone calls everyday are not necessary. I wonder how long it will last until one of us cracks.

I'm convinced it will be me.

I blame the rain.

A few more sob stories like this and I will delete this blog for containing to many evidence of how pathetic I make my life to be.

time well wasted

Funny thing happened:

After I wrote a paragraph or two of how I've been wasting my time, I accidentally hit the back button and I lost my entry. Erm.

Perfect example of wasted time I must say.
---------------------

If I type this --> @_@ what does it mean? How about --> *_*

I have nothing better to write really.
--------------------

On a random note, I decided that I will try my best to occupy my days off not just twiddling (yes, I looked it up just in case I made up that word) my thumb as I anticipate the day I will be back to work. And no, it's not because I love working but because I am anxious. Erm.

- I finished two books and continue to hunt for the next must-read-one-more-page book I can find. Yey for Ibooks and Kobo application for enticing me to browse and browse and browse and easily waste 30 minutes looking for a free book. Erm.

- Be amused by YouTube videos of communitychannel.

- Browse recipes on Epicurious that I will eventually (keyword) attempt. I have yet to cook a thing in my life that will make my mom proud. Sad for a 26 year old female. Erm.

- Attempt to successfully make a pamphlet for work to distribute to uninterested colleagues or patients. This undertaking should have taken me a week in my younger years *cough-bad excuse-cough* but is now dragging on for months. wtf. Erm.

- Write an entry for me to read when I'm old and gray.

As you can see, my life has been monotonous. Any attempt to make it otherwise has been blocked by my need to rest, laziness and lack of companion.

---------------------
Dear Ipad,

Don't ever leave me for my life will be dull.

Wt.

mute

To whom it may concern:

The moment you start screaming at me and give me attitude as if I am not doing my job, I tune you out. I appreciate that you are only looking out for your loved one but I really don't respond well to sarcasm and attitude.

Why is it that you get mad at me because you've waiting for the doctor for hours yet you smile and nod when they finally come?

Please give me a little break. I can only take so much.

Sincerely,
your overworked nurse

---------------------------

Dream Log: I had gum in my mouth and started to panic when I realized that the more I chew it, the more it got sticky. I woke up with fear that it would actually happen one of these days. Erm.

sorry is a word

... that I hear too often.

Deja vu?

Sigh.

What will I do with this guy? Crying does not help. And trust me, I can trump any drama actress with the amount of tears I've shed. Anger only last as long as my attention span. It just doesn't feel right to be angry. What to do? I know how to push his buttons but we are not in highschool.

When does it end? How long will his I-don't-know-why-I-did-it excuse work? Better yet, when will I stop using his own excuse to justify my actions?

Dear Self,

I'm sorry.

funny how it keeps coming back

taken from: A Softer World

I dreamt about my uncle again. It didn't look like him but I know it was him. In my dream he left a notebook with notes, words of wisdom and drawings for my aunt and cousin. He knew his time was almost up so he prepared something for them.

It may not look like him but I know it would be something he would do if he only knew.

---------------

I'll always miss you and I'll never forget.

denial

me: Aww, she's so cute.
him: Who?
me: Umm..she walked right in front of us, it's impossible you didn't see her. I like what she's wearing.
him: Oh, I didn't notice.
me: Can you not pretend you didn't see her so we can talk about what she was wearing?
him: Well...
me: I like her skirt.
him: If I said you should wear something like that, you'll get mad.
me: So now you admit you did see her.

I must admit, it is hard for him to win. :S

-----------------------------

Another shift, another sleepless night. Will I be happy if I quit and work somewhere else? Is it nursing itself that is burning me out or the work load that they keep throwing on my plate without taking something else?

If it weren't for the good days, I would be easily swayed.

----------------------------

I think I gained some weight. At least a few people have told me I look like I did.

That works for me :)

reminder

Instead of asking

Why do bad things happen to good people?

ask

Why do good things happen to bad people?

If you know the context, you would never ask the first question again. :)

-----------------------------------

It was a good Sunday. A wake-up call and a gentle reminder that there is a reason for everything. It may not be clear but it is there. There is a grand plan.

--------------------------------

There are days when I can't let out my frustrations. It's either no one understands or they are going through the same thing. Sometimes, I just need a good cry. Forget the fact that there are nights that anxiety alone can upset my stomach, initiate palpitations and cause sleepless nights. It is what it is. I just have to suck it up and do what I have to do.

Today, I felt like crap. It didn't help that yesterday I was frustrated at J but more so myself that it carried over until I have to get up and get ready for work. Monday blues I suppose.

I really need a dose of sunshine.

roses are red

A month from now is our anniversary. I've been thinking about a gift because I'm sentimental/corny like that. So far, I've been on the fence whether I want to be romantic or practical. Should I get a lovey dovey kind of gift or something he likes like Lego. Choices, choices.

I went the latter route for my Christmas and birthday gift to him. It felt funny. It almost feels like we're old couples who would rather ask what each other wanted. He, on the other hand, decided to be romantic - in his own way. I gave him a DVD set of some series he's been talking about while the other one resulted from a trip to an electronic store for a pick-what-you-want-and-I'll-pay-for-it. Erm

When does it end? The sweet, corny phase of any relationship. Hmmm.

my heart beats for you

As I type this, I can feel my heart beat faster and harder.

Palpitations.

This is not new.

I can't seem to recall when it exactly started though.

It's quite tiring.

To be aware of every lub-dub beat.

I feel the need to inhale and exhale deeper.

I've been thinking about going to the doctor for a visit.

What do I say?

You see, I've been having palpitations.

I know what the next question would be.

Have you been under stress lately?

My reply - everyday I work.

But why does my heart beat like this even on my days off?

-----------------------------

I gave J a birthday card.

He left the last one at a restaurant.

I wrote something sweet and then I wondered, when will I get a reply?

I want a card too.

------------------------------

I want to be carefree again.

Even for one day.

One full day.

Hello new year

I don't have a New Year's Resolution.

It seems like nothing changed from the previous year anyway.

I've let go of the past.

Somewhat.

I look forward to the future.

Kind of.

It's hard when you don't have a 5-year-plan.

Erm.

----------------------

I decided to tie my hair like Chun-li at work.

I joked, I wanna be like her when I grow-up.

The real reason: I needed my hair to be curled for New Years.

-----------------------

I have one more holiday get-together to go to.

They say, wear upscale casual.

What's that?

Hmmm.

-----------------------

I don't know how to get my thoughts across anymore.

-----------------------

Happy New Year!