talk to me

Look here / Hold on / *click / I wanna go to the beach / It would be about 24 hours from here / Not when you come from Saudi / *click / That's a nice one / *click / Let me just upload them in the computer

Would you like me to make your tea? / No, no, I'll teach you how to do it / Did I make it wrong last time / Yes, it tasted different / Oh *laughs / You shouldn't leave the tea bag the whole time. You have to constantly move it up and down to let it brew / Ohhh. I guess I never really had time to do it that way, I barely have enough time to have a cup of tea before going to work / Breakfast is really important you know / I know

Why don't you take a shower now? / But they're here already / Tell him / Maybe when they leave

What's wrong? / Nothing / Are you mad? / Nope / Are you upset? / Nope / I'm sorry / No big deal, I just wanted to let you know that sometimes you feel like a stranger. That's all

So that's how you play it / *laughs / Maybe here / You sank my battleship / I think I lost / No, not yet there's one more

Where are you from originally? / Philippines / How long have you been here? / About 10 years / So you were 14 when you came here. I don't detect any accent / *laughs It comes out when I'm nervous and at random times / I wouldn't have thought

* some are real conversations I've had while some are from my dreams

------

Was it a dream or did I think of it? It felt so real and at some parts of the dream, I wanted it to be just that. Real. It's been a while since I've had dreams. I'm not sure whether it's because I haven't been sleeping well or was it the change to a fluffier pillow. Hmmm.

------

I saw a rainbow after working a night shift. I saw it end to end with no breaking points. I guess, I saw the rainbow in its full glory - vibrant and uninterrupted. I took a snapshot of it without a camera. I don't think I need a picture to remember such beauty. At least not this time.

it's that time of the year

... so this is Christmas, and what have you done?

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

I want to say a lot of things, year-end reflection, hopes for the coming year, blessings in my life and everything else but there's too much. And well, little space. It doesn't help either that my brain is very much occupied by endless possibilities of what the new year will bring. :)

For those I can't greet, hug or extend my hand personally... here's one for you! A virtual hug and a firm handshake. :D

stress buster

Every patient and every case is different. Unfortunately, not all surgeries turn out the same because some turn for the worse, at times unexpectedly. Then there are the routine ones and miracles we all want to hear about.

Every now and then, I deal with death. The gasping for air and the different smell it produces. The system slowly doing weird things enough to result in many phone calls to doctors, other nurses and apologies to other patients for ignoring them. I cried once while watching the struggle. It reminded me of something personal and it was painful to watch and admit that there's nothing else I could do. I stepped away from the room, trying to hold back tears and compose myself to be professional. The emotional burden it creates is something to be aware of. I am constantly reminding myself to leave work at work but its easier said than done. I think about my patients and at times tempted to call to make sure I left them in good condition. It is something I intend to change.

Yesterday was one of those days. Death hovering around the corner and we could feel it. It has been a while since I had to prepare a body and although it was less traumatizing than I had imagined, I do not want to do it again.

I was almost in tears yesterday too. It didn't help that I had lunch at 4 pm with only a cup of tea to keep me going since waking up at 5 in the morning. I ate a wrap in 10 minutes and gulped a tall glass of smoothie before heading back out to face the rest of my 12 hour shift. It was definitely a stressful day. Sigh.

-----

Today's a snow day.
I left the couch only to get food and washroom breaks.
I'm still here waiting for a call.
Iritated at every minute passing by without the phone vibrating.
Sigh.

I wish I could make snow angels instead.

sound of silence

There are awkward moments and there are AWKWARD moments. And no, it's not during the silence after your brother loudly says ack-ward (note: also said with an accent). Errr. It's much worst.

It's the awkwardness after someone says something to you and you can't think of a reply no matter how much you squeeze your brain. It's also that moment when two people are fighting and they expect you to jump in anytime to put your two cents in. The only problem is that both are thinking you'll be on their side ready to defend them. And have you ever been involved in a conversation when he or she says something completely out of the blue and unexpected that a silent moment passes by for what feels like forever?

Yes. Yes. And yes.

Some people would say, what's wrong with a silent moment anyway? I say, plenty when there's clearly a "right" answer. Imagine a thought cloud hovering above your head anime-style with "..." on it. You may even roll your eyes, curl your lips or start to look around looking for an exit sign. :S

Sigh.

I don't really have a clear point.

Just so happens that awkwardness is in the air. I've been breathing it in while tumbleweeds are rolling along. Errr.

liar liar

I don't like liars. I don't necessarily hate them because hate is such a strong word and I'm not ready to use it yet. I guess it also doesn't help that we all have reasons to lie and I am not exempted from that. White lies are needed in some situations while some lies are well, for the sake of making life easy. At least for the time being.

I'm not pointing fingers either because I'm not a saint but I'm just currently fed up. I mean if you're gonna lie, you should at least have the decency to make it good, in the sense that you make sure people won't find out. What's the point of all these "story-telling" when everyone knows you're lying anyway? And to add insult to injury, you should also make sure that those people you are in cahoots with know the story you are spreading. It's kind of pathetic when you're telling two different lies to cover up something. Sigh. Please be better. Either don't get caught or don't lie at all.

Again, I'm not saying I always speak the truth. It is hard at times and I do shut that voice in my head. And just to make it clear, I have been caught weaving my very own web at different times too. Sigh.

Anyway (back to my point), the amusement I felt about the fabricated stories died down and I'm just left with disbelief. Sometimes there's really nothing much to say and I can't help but just shake my head at the thought of what you've become and what you've led yourself to believe. You're even lying to yourself!

I'm really just fed-up. There's an elephant in the room and it's getting bigger and bigger. Stop giving it food!

The end.

the mother of all ber's

The build-up for that one special night, not counting New Year's officially started this weekend. We went to the other side of the border to take advantage of their Thanksgiving sale much to our disappointment because we only managed to buy a few gifts. And just like every shopping trip, I only saw one sweater I like while he bought shirts and sweaters. Sigh. Even the Coach outlet store with a line-up wasn't enough to convince me to shell out a few hundred bills. I am getting better. Really. :S

Finally, Christmas won't be the same without our not-so pleasant looking tree in the corner. I decided that the red and green theme for the past few years was getting kind of old so a visit to Ikea finally had a purpose other than furniture shopping. The theme of this year *drum rolls* is silver and blue. It might need a few more ornaments to make it look better though. Hmmm.

I'm just waiting to hear my favourite Christmas song, Baby Its cold outside.

****

I might get New Years eve off! Woo hoo! I hope my manager approves the request because my coworker really wants to exchange days. This will be one of the times I dont care for time-and-a-half pay because well, I get to spend time with family and welcome the new year not-so-stressed frantically answering call bells. :D

****

Purple is my favourite colour now. Err.

****

I remembered my slightly nerdy highschool crush after talking to one doctor. It wasnt about looks, although they were not hard to look at either, but more about brains. There is something about smart guys. :D The only difference between them is that the first one had that out-of-bed look in addition to his out-of-the-hamper clothes while the latter had ironed shirts, clean cut hair and a lab coat. Errr. And J knows about this crush. He just retaliated with a story about his equally hot looking receptionist at his work. Hmp.

meet the parents and random musings

It really should say how my parents and his parents met. But that's too long.

We've been going out for close to two years and who knew it was time for them meet? Errr. Don't some parents meet after a proposal or at least when it's been too long to even count the years? Again, Errr. But anyway, an invitation was extended and accepted. Fortunately, it went well and if I may say so, better than my dreams led me to fear.

Anyway, they danced, laughed and ate. What else could I/we ask for? :D

****

It seems like I've picked up a few habits that I would like to get rid of. I can't stop saying "oh gosh" to situations I have nothing else to say to. Patients would tell me about their history in terms of how many surgeries they've had and all I could say was "oh gosh". How annoying is that?

Then there's huh? which I somehow got from my nephew. I only use it with J and it takes him a little while before he realizes I'm just teasing (at least after the third time of repeating).

And lastly, I've been saying ta-da! I'm just a sucker for kiddy sayings.

****

I've been needy and somewhat demanding lately (hahaha. I'm sure someone would disagree). After another no-battery excuse for why his cellphone was off, I decided that the best way to teach him a lesson was to turn off mine too. Sadly, it doesn't work as I still have a house phone he can try to call which my parents would gladly answer. After thinking about it, I childishly said that the next time I am out with friends or coworkers, my phone will be off too. The only way this would work though is if I actually go out. :S

****

My swiping the card habit is hurting me. I'm in denial as to how much I've spent during this month and how much I actually made. Sigh.

look what i can do

Apparently, I can now be a housewife. *gasp*

****

Things to do when moving out:

• the main thing is make a list, get the stuff, swipe the card, carry them and then sort
• wash tons of dishes, pots, pans
• clean the entire place, not once, not twice but more than three times (esp if the person living there *cough-him-cough* is a semi-germaphobe
• set up a huge walk-in closet (that I wish I have instead) and sort out clothes by purpose and some by colour (I like coordinating them)
• spend a lot of time calculating how much a bedsheet cost and imagining how it would feel like lying on it (microfibre? 200 count sheets? t-shirt like fabric?)
• buy a lot of cleaning supplies (see above reason)
• carry what seems to be boxes and boxes of stuff I would like to throw out if it were my things
• go to Bestbuy/Futureshop and stare at TVs to compare their sizes, prices and quality
• be tempted buying food at the grocery store that he probably won't cook, eat or like (I'm a sucker for let's try this!)
• become a regular Ikea customer by going there at least 10 times in two weeks
• make the furniture (and because I am bad at following instructions by the picture, ask for help for simple things)

****

My parents (mainly my dad) brought to my attention that I have been spending too much time with J. If I was gonna be a smartass, I could have said that what better way to find out if you can actually stand spending the rest of your life with someone is by being with him a lot. Fortunately, I'm not and that kind of talk would only result in more lectures and sour faces anyway. :S

But isn't it true though? I mean if you only managed to spend maybe 10 hours with that person, how would you know that they turn in to a pumpkin after the 12th hour? Errr. My attention span is slowly leading me away from my point. :S

Anyway, I've found out things about him that sometimes I tell him would be hard to live with (ie snoring! I'm a light sleeper). And I'm sure he knows more things about me too (ie. that I get really cranky when hungry). We're not moving in or anything but what's the harm of spending time together?

one down

After watching several Filipino shows (since I am partly paying for that channel, errr), I can't help but have their everyday Christmas countdown floating in my head too. I think today they said 42 more days to go. Ack!

Fortunately, I'm not working this Christmas even though I still have a shift on the 24th. It means I'll be staying behind with my dad and brother before we head to the hotel for what could be a Christmas tradition. I'm excited!

*****

Yesterday, I crossed one person off my list to buy a Christmas/birthday present for. Since I'm a big fan of electronics, I bought him an entertainment system. I'm not sure whether the gift was for him or for the couch potato in me. :S I have a feeling that Saturday dates will be in front of that TV watching the Discovery Channel or a rented movie (since we haven't been to the theaters for months!). But I am a sucker for having something to open so he will most likely receive a T-shirt from me too. :S

*****

I hope I don't have to interview another actor next week so I can be a better nurse. I freeze when there's people watching while I pretend to be interested in a fabricated problem. :S *time out*

november blues

It's been a year since my uncle passed away. Another candle lit in remembrance to those we have lost during All Soul's Day crowded the small table we have delegated for that purpose. It's even hard to ignore that there's a lot of candles this time. Three uncles gone within a year. Sigh.

i don't know either

Why is it so difficult to find strawberries that are just perfect?

What would you say to a patient who all of a sudden remarks, "now there's nothing sexy about this", while you perform a procedure?

Why do I bother watching Filipino series only to change channels midway a conversation to prevent myself from throwing a remote control at their silly plots and eye-rolling antics?

Is there an easier way to learn Korean?

Why are oversized sweaters of other people comfier that my own?

Can I actually bring myself to work more than 80 hours in two weeks?

How much can a turtle eat in one day?

Is it weird that I start humming when I'm upset?

don't worry, be happy

Since I don't like too much drama *cough cough*, I will write about good things (at least for now).

- It's been close to three weeks now since my tita arrived from Philippines as a tourist. We've taken her to key tourist spots and she's exhausted. Unfortunately, we're very eager to show her everything and anything we find relevant to how we live in Canada. My sister and I have decided that she will have to try different kinds of food from different countries. Afterall, our city is very diverse. First stop was Indian food. Sadly, spices didn't go very well with her sensitive tongue and stomach. :S But tomorrow is another day and it will be Korean/Japanese cuisine. There's still Greek, Italian, Thai and Vietnamese food to try and we're very excited. Wish us luck!!

- After being sick for three days, I went to work for a night shift that was spent sneezing, coughing and wearing a mask. You can only imagine how I felt dragging myself from one room to another trying to appear as healthy as I'm supposed to be. At 1130 pm, I went and said hi to a patient. The first thing she said to me that was enough to boost my ego and convince myself that I didn't look as sickly was "Wow you're beautiful". Whether she is drowsy/sleepy/medicated did not matter. Hahaha. I'll take a compliment when I can. :P

- As far as my previous drama is concerned, everything is well. ;)

another blurb of a day

In light of the little things that has happened over the past few days/weeks (I've lost track), I/we have decided to think about ourselves. We, as a couple, do not exist. I will equate we, to make it easier to explain, to married couples or those who are happily together. There was no break-up but there was no guarantee that there won't be one either.

I guess it helps that I'm working nights tomorrow.

I won't be holding on to my phone hoping it will vibrate.

Instead, I will be giving out medications, answering call bells and jotting down endless pre-approved lines on patient's chart. I will be on a different mind frame. As my co-worker says, going through the motions.

Calmness surrounds me at this moment. It's that same feeling you get after crying. You gradually stop and think to yourself, what the hell was that all about? At least that's how I am. I get over it, only to repeat the cycle when I am reminded of the details. He accidentally keeps pulling that trigger and I am at the receiving end.

Sigh. The drama that I surround myself in. The drama that I have complete control over of, yet would rather pass on the right to end it.

The same drama that's occupying my little sanctuary of a blog.

I should stop watching Filipino series. They're corrupting my head. :S

dark blue

I'm screaming but you can't hear me.
Or are you purposely ignoring what I'm saying?
My head hurts.
My eyes are swollen because of unnecessary crying.
It may be my fault.
Too much thinking, they say.
Sure.
But I lost myself along the way.
Stress-free, laid back me.
I left her inside the hospital walls.
Still smiling at patients.
But I'm not just about work.
At least I didn't use to be.

I need a hug.
I want my hand to be held.
I crave for that feeling.

I'm still screaming, make me better.
Please listen.

24 hours is not enough

How to spend 24 hours:

- wake up at 0530 to get ready for work
- start work at 0730
- leave work at 0030
- get home at 0145
- sleep by 0200
- still sleeping at 0530

I worked for 17 hours and that will be the last time I accept a four hour overtime (which ended up being five because of complications). My whole body was aching three hours before my shift ended and I literally felt like collapsing. :S

To make matters worst, I missed the streetcar for 3 seconds and ended up walking for about 20 minutes. And yes, walking for that long while its dark outside, somewhat breezy and after 17 hours of work did not make it any better. Then close to the station, two drunk guys asked me a stupid question and because of the music blasting from my headphones, I didn't hear the rest of the stupid things they shouted after I walked away. Ugh, so stupid.

And it doesn't end there. I missed the connecting bus I had to take to get home by five minutes. I had to wait 30 minutes for the next one to arrive. Sigh. Then, a tourist from Czekoslovakia who was on his way to the airport sat beside me and asked me a few things. He was very pleasant to talk to and kept apologizing for not being able to effectively converse in English.

I'm just quite surprised that something so simple as the happiness of this stranger can rub on to me and actually make my day better. :D Makes me want to sing a song now.

And no, I don't have short attention span. :S

one of those days

Something was wrong with me today but I can't seem to figure it out.

He was sitting at the couch engrossed at the documentary about terrorism and completely unaware of what was going through my head. Afterall, he's not a psychic. I've been told a dozen times.

I felt like a kid asking for attention.

I kissed him on his cheeks numerous times hoping for some sort of sweet gesture but nothing happens until he realized I completely moved away. A return kiss followed and a request for a hand massage. I'm used to it.

My mom and dad called us to eat dinner but he said he's too shy so I declined and told them we already ate. Meanwhile, at his house I have no choice but to follow. But that's not his fault, I am polite. He dozed off for a few minutes and then suddenly got up to let me know it's time to leave.

I scrambled for something to tell him just to make him stay a little longer. But nothing. I could have told him about the dream I had last night. We were at the carnival but I needed to go home to get something. He said, I'll meet you here in a few hours. I walked away and then realized I had his phone. How do I find him later? That was my last thought.

He bid my parents goodbye before giving me a hug and a kiss. My mom eagerly invited him for a little get together tomorrow and he said "maybe". I almost laughed. I have never turned down an invitation from his mom and never missed a family get together unless I am working.

Whatever it is that felt wrong today is compounded by this. I am sad about something and mad about everything.

It may be a silly thing to be upset about but if you know me, I'm sure you'll understand.

another letter

Dear Mr/Ms/Mrs. X,

This letter is just to let you know I am only one person and if you could get that in your head, maybe things will be better.

If you call me useless in front of my face and in front of your family, it doesn't make me want to serve you any better. I am not your personal maid. No, I don't just stand there while you choke as you told them. If I didn't care, don't you think I would have walked away instead of watching you gasp for air? I'm sorry to say but that doesn't make any sense.

When you tell them I don't do anything, did you see me run up and down the hall to make sure the doctors and other nurses looking after you have everything they need. Did you hear how many people I had to call and talk to just to follow up what needs to be done?

And although I never complained about it, I didn't eat breakfast and I only ate my lunch for 15 minutes just to make sure you are okay. You are not the only person I needed to look after but I explained to the rest of them that I am busy with an emergency. Some gave me a hard time but hey, priority is priority.

So the next time you call me useless, make sure you know what you are saying. You can request not to have me as your nurse and I won't protest. Everyone knows I did my best. And just to let you know, I only smile out of politeness. I can only restrain myself so much before it affects my work.

I don't know how it feels to be in your position as you don't know how it feels to be in mine. All I'm asking is for you to be understanding as I have been.

and they say first impression lasts

As a nurse, my first impression of a person changed. Not completely but it's there, in the back of my mind seeping through unconciously.

When I look at someone's eyes, I check if it dilates and if it's even. PERLA assessment in my head: check.

When I look at your arms, I don't exactly look for tattoos. I scrutinize how well I can see your veins. Can I start an IV on you or are you going to give me a hard time taking blood? If you seem weird, I might even check for injection marks. Drug abuse? Errr.

When I see a little bit of belly, I don't necessarily think beer belly or baby bump. A checklist goes though my head: constipation? passing gas? last bowel movement? nausea?

When I estimate how much you weigh, it's because I am wondering if I can pull you out of bed when needed and how much strength I will need to turn you from side to side while lying in bed.

After I finally get the chance to talk to you, I am analyzing what kind of a patient you'll be. Will you call me to pick up things you accidentally dropped on the floor? Will you give me a hard time if I didn't give you your medications at the exact time? Or will you be laid back and trust that I will do everything I can to make you feel better?

I'm really doing a head to toe assessment and a mental status in a minute.

If it's my day off, then I stick to hi, how are you and nice to meet you. :P

**

I think my time management at work is getting better. I even have time to sit before the end of the shift now. Sure, there's a few off days wherein I'll still be running until the last minute saying bye to my patients and assuring them that the next nurse will know what happened to them while I was their nurse. It's funny though how chocolates/food given by patients or their family makes us feel better though. We all smile and secretly pat our backs that we did all we could. And who would have thought being able to pee would warrant a celebration which would include giving me a perfume? :)

dream #95

Going out with Daniel Craig as James Bond. :S

I don't know how it happened since I haven't seen the movie since who knows when and I don't find him attractive. Was it the fit body? the coolness oozing from every move and show of attitude he makes? or was it because my mind is slow to react?

In any case, my sister told me to never tell anyone.

Oops, too late. :S

to you

I haven't said hello to you for the longest time. The last time might have been after you called our house to talk to my dad. A brief conversation that I barely remember but the echo of your voice remains. I guess, this time around all I can say is goodbye.

I'm sorry for not being able to attend your son's wedding. I didn't know it'll be my last chance to see you.

The most vivid memory of you was when your family visited us in Philippines. I said to myself that you looked like Santa Claus, with your white long beard and heavy frame. But looks can be deceiving because you are a biker. You proudly showed your tattoo and pictures of your priced possession, a Harley Davidson bike. I was very shy around you because my capacity to fluently carry on a conversation in English was limited. You were contented to hear us giggle and nod every now and then. I also remember when you told us that wrestling was fake. I couldn't believe it but I knew that deep inside you would know about it more than a kid.

That's all I remember...

Your deep laughing voice still resonates though.

I will always remember you whenever I see a Harley Davidson bike. Did you know that I once thought about asking a bunch of bikers at Mt. Rushmore if I could take a picture with them? They looked like you and I was fascinated with their motorcycles.

I know you left us doing what you loved and enjoying the last days of your life. I'll keep the little bits of memory I have of you and smile when I see HD passing by.

:)

long weekend what if...

If he was here:
- somewhere in Niagara having lunch and shopping
- at my house being a couch potato watching Discovery channel
- dinner and a movie
- church

If I have a car and know how to drive one:
- one night in Niagara with whoever is available
- mall/park hopping
- doing random errands for the sake of getting out of the house

If I'm the independent type:
- mall/park hopping
- lunch and dinner at different restaurants (since my parents are not here again for a week)

And other endless possibilities...

So far, half of this long weekend was spent:
- webcam-talk on MSN with him
- haircut (shorter and more errr Asian? haircut. haha) and dinner with a friend
- laundry
- cleaning the house
- watching TV, listening to music and browsing endlessly

Sigh. But things are well and I am a happy camper nonetheless (save for the tragedy that happened to a family member). It's always a wake-up call when a life ends unexpectedly.

Countdown: 19 more days til he comes back. Yey!

tell me more

Someone shared a saying to me:

Forgiving is letting go of the hope for a better past.

I had to tell him to say it a few more times to have my overly-worked brain cells function to grasp the meaning. When it finally hit me, I must say I agree.

overflowing cheese ahead

He left Saturday and it's only Tuesday - 24 more days.

Random things:

- I will never let him pack his bags the day/night before. I stayed over at his house to help with packing his luggages but it turned out that I did all of it as he frantically tried to figure out how to fix his laptop. I folded all his clothes as he did 5 loads of laundry and did a little shopping to make sure he has everything. And there I was thinking that my sister and I are the worst travellers because we leave it at the last minute too but I was wrong. Then again, he's a first time traveller and since last year, I think I've mastered the art of packing.

- He is a webcam exhibitionist. Although he can be very silly when we're together, the webcam just magnifies it to at least 3x. Errr. While intermittently laughing, he confessed that he was looking at himself more than me. He's like a one year old amused at his reflection. Haha.

- I feel like we've only known each other for a month, but in a good way. It reminds me of the times when we actually wrote emails to each other and talk about nonsense things on MSN.

- It helps that I have a stuff toy to pinch/hug sprayed with Axe Touch. :P

-------------

Someone asked me if I was worried about him leaving for a month. I said yes and no. In all honesty, I trust him more than I trust myself. Errr. Even though I've been a witness *coughcough* to temporary-long-distance-relationship gone sour, I know and sincerely believe that he loves me and wouldn't think of anything along those lines. I still have faith you see.

------------

The mistake someone made on my schedule last Saturday that caused me to miss a shift (errr) will most likely be settled tomorrow in front of my manager. Sigh. When I came to work on Sunday, they were laughing at me and instead of being mad, they just asked me how the airport drop-off went. I just love the people on my rotation. :D

lost

If I could change anything this morning, I would.

Who would have known that I will do something stupid???
I could have been more patient or more persistent and this wouldn't have happened.

I feel like my head is going to explode.

#$%@!!

leaving on a jetplane

... to make airplanes. :S

Four more days until I start counting the days of when he'll be back again. It's been a rough week or so because we've been fighting about a lot of things. Fortunately, we like to compromise. Maybe this will be the month I may actually agree to work overtime during the weekend because I have nothing else to do anyway. A couple of plans from friends but so far, no definite ones. Sigh.

------------

And because of the hype and how good the preview is, we finally lined up to see Batman. I must say it was the best one I've seen. I have a feeling that no one else would dare play the Joker since Heath (we're close. errr) did such an amazing job with it. The disturbing images still resonate within me and I really am afraid of him. :S

But to give credit where credit is due, everyone was just great. Even the guy from Prison Break who had a brief cameo in the beginning was very convincing. :D

-----------

I wish I could just work 8 hour shifts all the time. I feel I have more energy and less anxious during the day because I know it will end in a blink of an eye. The only problem is that I'll have to work 5x a week. Eek.

the checklist

Dishes washed - check.
Laundry folded and organized - check.
Floors swept - check.
Living room back in to its acceptable state - check.

Two more days and my parents are back. I have already seen a preview of their San Francisco trip courtesy of album sharing by their tech savvy family friend tour guide. I'm sure my parents and aunt will be very happy that finally they'll be able to see their pictures right away instead of waiting for days/weeks til they are given a printed version of them.

I'm quite jealous of their trip. If only work wasn't on the way by scheduling me and also the convincing monetary constraints I have adopted to make life easier for me in the future I could have been there too. Sigh.

After a semi-excited and semi-apprehensive call, I found out (maybe two nights ago) that my boyfriend will be going to Japan for some sort of training. Once again I am jealous. My friend consoled me by saying "imagine all the Hello Kitty and cute things you can get!" Don't get me wrong, I like the kitty, but pink has never been my colour. Errr. I am more jealous of him visiting Japan (although for work purposes) before me. The scenery, the culture and sushi! And of course, the pictures!! The next best thing is for me to let him borrow my point-and-shoot (as I don't trust him with my fancy camera) and take lots of pictures for me.

The rest will have to follow for another entry.... I enlisted my brother's friend to watch my brother's car while I take a shower. Who leaves their car door open and expect me to wait for him to come back? Ack.

summer lovin

Rain, shine, breeze and summer.

Since my parents are not home, we've been forced to cook for ourselves. My sister made the effort of slaving away with the help of Hamburger Helper one day much to my delight since it meant packed lunch the next day. My brother on the other hand, out of desperation, cooked rice but fell asleep before he can even eat some. :S As for me, I've fried enough eggs, sausages and hotdogs to make breakfast junkies love me. Unfortunately, no one eats breakfast. Haha.

This situation just makes me strive to make sure that my future husband knows how to cook. :D

The end. Errr.

I'm a Barbie girl

Someone has been suggesting what type of clothes I should and should not wear. It can be seen as sweet and at times controlling. Sweet when the reason for it is, "because I'm not with you" when I want to wear a skirt and frolic around town by myself. Yes, you have to frolic when wearing a skirt. Err. But then, there is also controlling when he says "are you going to wear a jacket with that? when a certain amount of skin is exposed when I see his family. As if I don't have good judgement as what can be worn around family members. *rolls eyes*.

I wonder if I give him the privilege (haha) to choose whatever he wants me to wear everytime I go out without him, what would he pick? Ack. Long sleeves and pants on a summer day? :S

And just to rub it in that I don't follow everything he says, I gently remind him: You don't know what I wore to Cuba and Phillipines.

:D

because you were busy

The weather is driving me crazy. Literally. It's extremely hot during the day and by afternoon, there's an abundance of thunder and lightning followed by hours of rain. It's annoying. When will it be the real summer?! Sigh.

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Work has been eventful. I received a compliment from a hard-to-please senior nurse about how I handled a very stressful moment. Who knew that I have some composure amidsts talking to different doctors and an ICU nurse? Ack. Even I was surprised about how I acted. Sure I ended up walking away from a doctor due to my frustration about his actions, or lack of it, but that's beside the point. As long as I did my part and told him everything he needed to know. Yes, I am beaming with pride. It feels nice to be recognized, especially by that nurse. Haha. :D

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My sister finally graduated and she is going to be a Mental Health RN. How crazy is that? Errr. It will be emotionally and mentally challenging as she will have to deal with a whole different type of situations than what I am accustomed to in my unit but I think she's perfect for it. She has a strong personality which I think will fit her position well.

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More to say but my brain cells are currently not in order. They decided to give up on me after a stressful day at work. Yesterday just proved once again that there really are things too good to be true. :(

the chair

After almost a year of refusing to go to the dentist for not having insurance, I am now back as a regular customer thanks to my newly approved card to "free" dental care. They love me again as I now have numerous appointments for cleaning, filling and whatnots.

Today was a (re)filling of my silver tooth courtesy of eating sweets when I was a kid. Back then, they didn't have those fancy on-the-spot x-rays or even this laser-like source of heat to dry the filling in a matter of seconds. Technology really is mind boggling at times. The things people invent to make life easier and more expensive.

I had my mouth open for almost 40 minutes today. Five of those was with a latex type of material spread across my mouth, a couple of metal to keep it in place and a mouthful of saliva threatening to drown me. In my head I was screaming to be suctioned but they left me "for just a few minutes" to attend to another customer. Errr. I still manage a nod and a smirk when they came back and apologized though. Politeness will be the end of me one day. After an ample dose of anaesthesia injected on my gums, I experienced a short lived tachycardia. Do I have some sort of fear towards needles? :S Impossible. I have given hundreds of needles and been poked enough times (while watching) every time I have a blood test to prove otherwise. Funny how a needle in my gums is different. Hmmm.

In one or two weeks from now, I'll be back once more for two more (re)fillings and conversations about how satisfied and fulfilled they are with my gums. Sigh.

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I want some halo halo with some sort of fancy name like "supreme halo halo". Err. That's the best name I could think of. Scoops of ice cream, ube and a slice of leche flan. Yummm. I miss Philippines.

But since I'm thousand miles away and need hundreds of dollars to fly there, I will settle for Selecta's Ube ice cream. And when that is done (two more days), watermelon will be the only thing to make me happy.

friends and the city

Since sex would unlikely be discussed here, I figured I should talk about something else.

After watching the movie, I began to wonder if I have friends who knows (almost) everything about me. The kind of friends who will run in their fancy shoes (or not) even if its snowing just to save me from loneliness. Friends who would know when to leave me alone and when to slap me silly to wake me from my stupidity.

There are times that I go through scenarios in my head about different circumstances and which of them will I share the good/bad news. Will I have the same ones when I'm 40? 50? Ack.

I only talk to three people on a daily basis. What does that say about me?

Hmmm.

I almost wanna sing the Garfield theme song.

Ladies and Gentleman, Garfield & Friends.
Friends Are There To Help You Get Started,
To Give You A Push On Your Way. Friends Are There To Turn You Around, Get Your Feet On The Ground For A Brand New Day
They'll Pick You Up When You're Down
Help You Swallow Your Pride When Something Inside's Got To Break On Through To The Other Side
Friends Are Someone You Can Open Up To
When You Feel Like You're Ready To Flip
When You Got The World On Your Shoulders,
Friends Are There To Give You A Tip
Friends Are There When You Need Them, They're Even There When You Don't
For A Walk In The Park, For A Shot In The Dark
Friends Are There. Garfield: "I Don't Care"
But Friends Will Care For You-u-u-u-u-u-u!

Lyrics from this page

sunshine lollipop

The budget police strikes again. I am once again constricted to this-is-what-I-can-spend-for-this-month thought. I wish it wasn't so because summer is back and it would be next to impossible to have some sort of restraint on my expenses. Err.

One good and valid reason, if I may say so, is that the weekend I am off is the only decent "going out" time I actually get. Although it doesn't excuse me from frivolous spending, it is merely the result of all those days spent at my house looking out the window hoping someone would ask me to come out and play. That is a rare occasion as everyone is working.

This budget police, which also acts as my personal money calculator of the future, once reasoned that if I work hard then, and only then, can I play hard. The audacity of that statement can only be said by someone who doesn't know what I actually do at work. I wish we have those "bring a friend to work day". If by then he still thinks that my work is anything but "working hard", will I surrender to picking up more shifts and accepting overtime offers. Hmp.

Anyway, days in front of my trusty laptop has led me to travel sites and various deals that offers to take me to [insert location] for [insert cheap price]. This can only mean endless days of daydreaming and wishing someone can come with me and a better salary (so the budget police wouldn't mind) to fund my need to travel. Sigh.

But since that won't be happening any time soon, I will be (kind of) contented to do as I please every time I have a day off. Today will be spent watching the over-hyped Sex and the City while munching on popcorn that I will probably get sick of after a few handful. Tomorrow will be dedicated to shopping for a dress and shoes to wear to a wedding and possibly a graduation gift for my sister.

Hello Summer.

hi, it's me

Would the inconsiderate, needy, dramatic girlfriend please stand up.

Oh, I'm already up.

Yes, I am THAT girl. You see, I tried my best not to be inconsiderate but no matter what I do I still get the label. Tired at work? But that's okay please come by and see me still ok? Then there's me the needy girlfriend who has to have a phone call and as much face-time. Well excuse me for wanting to know if you're safe at home. Last but not the least, I am also the drama queen. You seriously can't expect to be mad and stop my tears from flowing at the same time right?

Sigh.

Sometimes I would like to step out of my body, give it a couple of violent shakes and a few slaps if possible to wake myself up from this unnecessary emotions. I feel like a kid having a tantrum if I can't get my ice cream when my little body and mind dictates it.

Last night, the joke was on me as I struggled to stand my ground and at the same time feel sorry for him while he tried to cajole a smile out of me. Afterall, I am a sucker for his sweet ways.

The fairytale continues. I am still a drama queen and he is still the always-late-but-forgiveable knight.

nurses' week

It's National Nursing Week and all I got was free food.

Haha. Kidding.

It's kind of funny but a week made up to celebrate the hardworking nurses of our society actually makes me proud that I've been a nurse for almost a year (in July). Yey, I'm surviving! I still can't believe it at times. Every now and then I lay in my bed after a hard shift and wait for the next nurse to call me and ask numerous questions about the things I left for him/her to sort out. Fortunately, there's none of that. *knock on wood*

I don't think any of the patients know it is my special week, otherwise they would ease off on their demands. Haha. Again, kidding. Errr. I do know how it is to be on the other side of the spectrum as I have had family members/friends who have been patients before but if only they consider my side too.

Anyway, life is a beach. Whatever that means. I kinda miss Cuba-beach-life.

I am back on night shifts.

hola amiga

One week in Cuba.

One week of blissful days at the beach, by the pool and at the hotel room watching movies. I don't seem to recall waking up as early as 7:30 am just in time for scrambled egg, bacon and french toast until our first day in the resort. I took advantage of the open bar by ordering something sweet and pineapple juice. It just shows how little I know about other drinks without having to resort to yucky beer. Errr. In any case, my organs are safe and was not intoxicated at any point of our vacation.

I love those stress-free days. All I worried about was what to wear, how not to completely burn my skin and what to eat.

It's been a week since I have been back and already worked a weekend. My brother asked if working three days was punishment. Errr.

Sigh.

Words cannot express how great it felt to leave everything behind even for just a week.

A beach bum every now and then will always be welcome in my planner.

small things

Two days of silent treatment has left me speechless too. I tried to explain but without any reaction, how am I suppose to know what to think of? I am teetering between indifference and bursting into a dramatic speech about the situation. Sigh.

Stress at work is taking its toll. It hasn't been easy to dodge confused patients who want to hit you or those that demand your undivided attention when there's 5 more waiting to be seen and heard. A colleague has been joking that she can see that I'm on the verge of becoming a part-time nurse and sometimes the possibility of it excites me. If only bills will pay itself.

I am enjoying the sunshine as I get off night shift. It lifts my spirits up knowing that it will be sunny. There is some comfort that it won't be another gloomy day just like how I generally feel.

Next week is my birthday.
Next week I am celebrating it with my brother and sister on a different country surrounded by palm trees, sand and under a blazing hot sun.
Next week, I will leave all the stress and rejuvenate my aching body, unfocused mind and shake away the sadness that surrounds me when I'm alone.

day 2

After an exhausting weekend filled with chimes of the call bell and limited washroom breaks, I am wide awake at 3 am on day two of my day off. I woke up in the middle of taking a picture of someone (I don't recall who exactly) and the buzzing of my phone on vibrate. It registered as private. There are only two possibilities, my boyfriend and the hospital. I waited for voicemail to kick-in and listened to the message after. Creepy as it may sound, I only heard a series of beeps. Thanks to my untimely imaginative brain cells, I think of One Missed Call. Sigh.

I lay in bed for almost an hour trying to ease the million possibilities of who/what would call me at an hour like that. The same hour Amytiville Horror turned everything upside down. Sigh. I should stop watching scary movies.

Ironic, but TV is the only consolation. I gulped the last cup of Japanese green tea I'll have this week, until my mom goes back to the Asian market, while flipping chanels. An ad with men of varying age with trophy girlfriend/wife in hand vouching for pills that can enhance their ahem. With a smile on their face, they proudly advertise the fact that it is bigger thanks to these magical pills. Yeah, okay. Fortunately, there's a re-run of Veronica Mars to save me from boredom. After every commercial break I wonder why they would cancel such a show and let umm Joey play for almost a season. Sigh.

Two hours passed and I am stressed and tired but still unable to sleep. Three long days has taken a bite out of my composed nurse-self and I am aching for a break. I don't want to think about OR sheets, pain medication, bed baths and I surely don't want to hear call bells.

If that is too much to ask, all I'm gonna ask for is to be able to sleep soundly and without dreaming of work.

girly girl

I just spent the day doing what I do best on the days I'm off, busy myself with anything. Today was spent learning how to apply eye shadow. Yes, I know very ummm *can't find the right word*. Err. The only staple I use every day are mascara, eye liner and lip gloss. Those come in handy when I didn't get enough sleep and have to wake up my eyes. :D

I went to Sephora, candy store for make-up junkies and I ended up leaving in no time to opt for the Disney store instead. Hahaha. So I've decided, it wouldn't hurt to try to update my look by actually having some sort of well, look. Sigh. Even writing about make-up, it seems like I don`t know what I`m saying. Haha.

Now I`ll just have to somehow convince myself that it`s not a complete waste of money. Eek.

i want you

It's almost my birthday and today is the first day of spring. I'm not sure what the connection is but both dates make me happy. :D

I've been thinking of what I could give myself as a birthday gift(s). I have been very reluctant to buy myself anything these days since my bills just keep coming. If only that Visa(?) commercial works in the real world, my life would be so much easier. Anyway, dreams are free and that is what I'm gonna do. I would like:

- to buy a lens for my fancy camera. Even though I have not yet discovered how much fun I'll have with my Rebel, it sounds like a good idea. I have taken the first step and bought myself a book about my camera. Haha.

- a bag. I have a couple of bags that I interchange for fun but I need an everyday, good quality bag. Something that will not tear and have weird bumps just because I stuff my house in it.

- to buy new shoes. Yes, more than one. My sister insists that I should buy something different to my favourite gold ballet shoes and my trusty white Nike.

- trip to Disney. I've been there once and I would like to go again. There's just something about Disney that makes me feel (more) like a kid.

Hopefully I'll have one of these for my birthday (all will be better).

If not, I can just convince myself that the vacation my siblings and I are planning at the end of April is my gift. I just really hope this one actually happen. If they back out or something uncontrollable prevents us from going, I will be splurging on something. :D

it's 3 am

After happy moments, I often think of what could go wrong.
They did say fairytales are not true.
But didn't they also say that without sad moments, there wouldn't be happy ones?

Tonight, I can't help but wonder if some things are too good to be true.

We had a somewhat serious talk after some silly misunderstanding.
Words can be tricky.
One after another, he dug himself in a hole instead of trying to climb out of it.
He didn't mean it that way afterall.
Thankfully, in one great, but effortless leap, he saved himself.

And that is why I love him.

There are times I just look at him and think to myself how lucky I am.
It is all mushy and public display of affection, both in words and well, in public is not something I'm always comfortable with but this is my personal space.

Marriage at my mental age is amusing at most.
I am not ready for it yet at this moment, 3 in the morning to be exact, I wouldn't mind it.

I probably just need sleep. :)

snow white

There's a snow storm today.
Did I also mention it's my day off?
The weather did not plan to have it on the day I needed to have some fun time.
On the other hand, my day off did not depend on how the weather will turn out.
So really, no one's fault why I'm stuck at home.

Sigh.
I don't even make sense.

The groundhog promised spring and this is what we get.
More snow.
More clean-up.
More government money for the plows to work overnight.
Isn't $20 million enough?
Probably not.

Oh, it's tax time.
I wonder if I'll end up paying more tax than what was already deducted on my wages.
I don't even look at my pay stub.
Ignorance is bliss.
Someone told me nursing is thankless job.
People take us for granted and it is acceptable.
If that's not depressing, I don't know what is.

Yes, there is a snow storm today.
If you've ever seen the commercial about people crying because of winter blues, you'll understand.

moody

I'm not sure what it is but I have been very moody. Again.

I'm annoyed at things that I may have found amusing at one point. I pick fights for no reason. I even have this constant urge to hang up the phone just because.

And then I catch myself thinking, what am I doing? But of course, it's too late and my pride can't help but be stubborn. Unfortunately, the only thing that jolts me back to reality is when guilt starts to sink in. It's a cycle that I am fully aware of but can't seem to control.

Sometimes I wonder if it would be healthier if I just forgo one day without any communication. It's not his fault. I just want to save his sanity from figuring out why I am upset or mad. It may eventually shed some light to my silliness and when it does, I can finally stop taking him for granted.

About an hour ago, this is what I did. We were talking for about 30 minutes when he decided he'd like to take a nap. As soon as he said it, I said bye and covered the mouth piece of the phone. He was saying my name but I just didn't feel like responding anymore. And I don't even know what was upsetting about it because I knew we would talk later anyway. Sigh.

It scares me that one of these days he'll stop calling back every time I do that and it will be my fault. Sigh.

memo

I was going to write about ...

... how the snow storm covered everything and how the only way to describe it was "winter wonderland".
... the fact that two days of working with demanding patients can force me to take a day off even if it means one less day of vacation.
... Valentine's day and our one year anniversary.
... how one of my favourite songs played at the perfect moment.
... being a food server for one night felt.
... how I love slow dances.

... having no time to write anything at all.

dizzy

To puke or not to puke.

The magical question of the night. As I type this, I'm on the verge of either burping a mix of quesadillas and cheesecake or actually seeing how it looks mixed together with the other contents of my stomach as I run to the washroom and pray I get there on time. Our free passes to the theater, courtesy of a broken projector at the I Am Legend movie, led to the last show of the night of Cloverfield. It certainly brought back Blair Witch and Godzilla memories. Whether that's good or bad, I haven't decided yet. I'll probably have to let this dizzy spell settle first.

I'm just happy I didn't have a big dinner. Otherwise, the little food my mouth allowede me to cram in to my appetite-less body because of night shift will be gone to waste.

I liked the music/instrumental that played at the end of the movie though. Haunting.

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Winter is "back" with a vengeance. What Canadian winter will be complete without the temperature reaching to "feels like" -20 degrees celcius? Even -5 seems like a blessing nowadays.

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Work keeps offering me overtime. It's tempting for the sake of money but my body says otherwise. After three straight days of working, I feel like questioning my sanity and possibly drinking a bunch of energy boosters to make me feel alive again. Robot in the making if you ask me. Where's my fuel?? Errr.

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The only line on my head at the moment is a line from a song: dizzy, I'm so dizzy my head is spinning

where are you?

I miss you.
Everyday I wait for that time of the day when you would show yourself.
At work, I look out the window, hoping and praying.
But nothing.

It's not just me either.
A lot of people are missing you too.
Sigh.

Mr. Sun, Sun, Mr. Golden Sun, please shine down on me.

this and that

There are things better left unsaid and there are things that should be left alone. In other words, no need for further investigation. Unfortunately, I can be a curious cat.

Although one can easily argue about the importance of not being left in the dark or being naive, I can honestly say that sometimes I wish I didn't know.

a letter to you

Dear New Year,

It's been about five days since I welcomed you. I would have been more enthusiastic and actually make a big deal out of it by toasting champagne and hugging everyone but I was at work and that is enough reason not to. But before I end up giving you the wrong impression, I am actually writing you this letter in hopes of encouraging myself to keep my promise. It's more embarrassing to break a promise when other's know of it too. At least that's my opinion. :$

Anyway, I am officially declaring my promise to save in any way I can in order to well, save up for my future. I have been quite liberated in spending my money and as a result have nothing to show for in my savings account. My future, which is not something I keep in mind as I am a live-now type of person, if that makes any sense, I'm sure will not look so bright if I continue to be how I am.

In saying that, I will admit that this stay-in-the-budget mentality might take a while to kick in. I can proudly say that I haven't bought anything yet even though I've been tossing and turning in bed wondering if I need/deserve a new mp3 player. See, I'm trying really hard.

I guess that's all I have to say before I start to beg for an increase in my allowance. I just hope I'm strong enough to resist the temptation to buy random things. Eek!

So, New Year, I welcome you again and I hope we'll be good friends.

Sincerely,
blueskies