happy new year!

Another year gone by and it's like a blur. I'm excited for what will happen next because as much as I love planning, nearly half of what I plan never goes through. I guess that's the point. Erm.

I wish I could do a year-end post with more meaning but words escape me at the moment.
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J is coming home soon and I made him promise to not leave me for this long again. Long distance has never been my cup of tea and I have a feeling I won't be good at it either. He was hoping I could be there to welcome him and possibly be there when he turns a year older but I'm working. Sigh.

Now if only someone would take my shift (any excuse to not work is fine by me).

I probably shouldn't do that though since my credit cards have suffered this month.

In-charge + night shift premium + weekend premium = better pay

The only problem is when you account the stress it puts me everytime I'm in-charge, it's still not worth the money. Hmp. At least I'm not hospital in-charge like my friend. Now that's a whole new level I won't be participating in. :S
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Anyway,

Happy New Year!!

Another year of blogging/venting ;)

tis the season to be jolly

The safe party was just last night. A doctor joked that hopefully the next day, no one will remember what happened - if something does occur. Erm.

Of course, I'm always wary with work parties since these are the people you mostly try to be on your best behaviour and hopefully get some sort of a respectful relationship going. Unfortunately, there's an open bar to make up for an expensive fee you paid for to attend the party too.

No, I didn't drink too much -one glass of wine and a few glasses of a mixture I don't know the name of.

The only thing I have to worry about now is the dreaded uploading of pictures from whoever had their camera on hand to "document" the entire night. I don't think I did anything crazy. dun dun dun
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New record: no phone call for 5 days; no text from him (2 from me); and a few one-liner message in facebook
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I want to watch Avatar and Sherlock Holmes.
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Would you get jealous if you see your boyfriend/girlfriend dance with everyone on the dance floor?
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It's almost Christmas and I am not done my shopping and it doesn't seem like I'm ready for the inevitable what-did-I-learn-this-year reflection. Sigh.

My mind is playing tricks on me. I know it.

all i want for christmas

I guess it will be a white Christmas afterall.

Fortunately, I have a warmer winter jacket to use this time around.
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It's not totally weird to stay in a hotel alone is it? Erm. Whether the answer is a yes or no, I guess it really won't change the fact that I will be staying in one next week. Hotels to me are fascinating and a mini vacation in itself. I remember the first one I've been to in Philippines when my aunt decided to bring me along before her family left for US. I thought it was the best thing that could have happened to me at that time. Nowadays, it's not a big deal to stay in hotels especially because of various promotions and sales but it still excites me nonetheless.
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Last week I was surprised with "you're in charge again for two days" intro as I walked in late for work. Normally, in-charge nurses come in at 7 am to get and give report to doctors and other nurses. Sigh. First day, I survived and the second day was a disaster.

I hope I get better at this. But better yet, I hope I don't need to be in-charge day or night anytime soon again.

guilt

I did the unthinkable.

ACK!!!

I have NEVER done it before and before I knew it, I did it.

Blah.

Must. NEVER. do. it. again.

NEVER!

the end.

there she goes

After much deliberation and procrastination, I left home with the conviction that Christmas shopping needs to be started if not done. Four hours later, I spent hundreds of dollars half belonging to me and the rest for interchangeable gifts. I am, afterall, easily distracted.

I wore heels partly for this reason - I need some sort of limit. Pain is a reminder that much time has been spent which in turn translate to money. Erm.



Unfortunately, I didn't get what I really needed - winter boots, warmer jacket and a dress

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It seems like I have no one to talk to lately. I miss that. I miss J. *mushy* Outside the confines of the hospital walls, he's really the only one I can talk to about my coworkers and my stressful day at work. So far, our minute conversations every other day consists of bad signal and random musings about where he is going.

Before he left, he stashed his cologne in my bag. He remembered that I requested it for when he left for Japan. I'm still a sucker for small gestures.

hello december

I finally put up the Christmas tree complete with lights and newly bought ornaments. I volunteered to get new ones since I'm not really keen on repeating last year's silver and blue theme, which incidentally was my idea too. After all that effort, my dad said "akala ko ba mamahalin bibilin mo, eh pareho lang". Sigh. Sometimes, you really can't win. Anyway, this year's colour scheme is purple and gold. I might end up buying more ornaments just to make it different but it will all depend on my budget. Erm.
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It's day two of J's month long trip and he has called me more times than when he is here in a day. Erm. Someone's gonna pay a hefty phone bill. I've been convincing him to just borrow an old cellphone from his cousin and buy a sim card but so far he's being stubborn.
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I bought three DS games to make myself busy this December (1) racing game (2) mystery-that-needs-to-be-solved-with-too-much-talking game and (3) i-can-be-a-surgeon-too game. So far, I'm failing in all three. Erm.
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For 5 nights, I was the in-charge and on one of those nights I almost cried. On the upside, I know now not to bug the in-charge with mundane details.

where's peter pan?

Why would anyone name their daughter "Princess Tinkerbell"? Erm. I'll leave it to that because trust me, I have more questions brewing in my head right now.
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Two more weeks and J will be on his way to a month long vacation where you ideally don't have to worry about anything except what yummy food you have to eat and what new things you'll see. It felt that way for me since it took a decade for me to come back.

I guess I'll have to be by myself for a month. Eek. This will not bode well especially around Christmas time since he keeps my budget intact, drives me to any mall I wish to go to and carries heavy bags for me.

And of course, the mushy things I won't mention. :D
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My right wrist has been giving me trouble for the past few days. I'm not entirely sure if I lifted a patient the wrong way or some underlying condition when it gets cold out as J suggested. Yesterday, my coworker ended up wrapping my wrist in tensor bandage just to ease the pain. It did help for support but writing was a little challenging.

J has been insisting I excercise my wrist with dumbbells, take calcium + vitamin d supplements and possibly drink protein shakes. His stint in pharmaceuticals has been an advantage when I was still in school because he would quiz me but now he's using it to be bossy (at least that's what I tell him). I know he's right but I'm just being stubborn and in denial. Sigh.

say what?

I finally met that person.

She said, my life has been good. I replied by saying, we all have our good days and bad days. Her comeback was there are better days, but no bad ones.

I may not know the details of her life but from what she said, some people might think that it's not that charmed afterall. So why this great outlook in life? I don't know either. If I went through the two things she mentioned, I probably would have a somewhat bitter taste in my mouth everytime I say life has been good.

Let's see how much of this will rub on to me. Even though I think I'm halfway there - I do think my life has been good so far with a few bumps here and there. :)

So far, I've just been overly dramatic about every minute detail of my life. Sob here. Sob there. What for? Ugh. I blame my hormones and everything else in between. Sigh.

She also said, when it snows just say - good things will come when it snows.

That one might take equally as long to convince myself that it is true. Hehe.

one, two, three

- taking the H1N1 vaccine at the beginning of my weekend shift was not a good idea. aside from arm soreness, every part of my body felt like it was going to fall apart while my head burst from pressure. of course, i still worked through it in between popping tylenols and advils.

- i don't understand why people who haven't taken the vaccine yet feels like they have flu still go to work!!!! flu-like symptoms should be enough reason to stay at home. why can't anyone understand that? doesn't anyone watch the news??? argh!

- i didn't see one single halloween custome since surprise, i worked the night away again - same as last year. sigh.

- i actually like mild, cool fall weather.

- i have the urge to shop but have no drive to actually go through it.

- counting down to when j leaves for vacation. sigh.

- i feel blah.

i write for clarity

Is it still considered okay when you don't think about it yet the memory still lingers in your dreams? He's still in my head - running and looking at me. It's not that menacing look anymore but still with a smirk. I feel trapped, not because of what happened in my dream but because I don't want this kind of memory to be with me resurfacing as it pleases.

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I thought about starting new.

I haven't made up my mind yet. All I know is that it will be swift and a result of an impulsive decision. Regret will follow suit but that is another thought for another day.

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Gloomy days are just not my thing.

goody good

The visit to the doctor didn't give me any insight as to what else could be wrong that my body decided it will not cooperate with my ever-changing sleep pattern anymore. Light touch of the stethoscope here and there, palpation of the organs and it was done within seconds. Fortunately, everything seems to be in good condition. I asked if it was okay to take over-the-counter meds to ease up my insomnia and she nodded. Erm. The pharmacist on the otherhand sympathize with my problem. Oddly enough, he thought that nurses "don't do shift work anymore" to which I could only say, I wish.

On a good note, my prayers were answered last night and I did sleep for at least 4 hours. Tonight, I am taking a pill if it changes.

Did I say I finally got a doctor's prescription for a massage?? After two years of working and not once have I taken advantage of what could be a good hour of relaxation that I am paying through my benefits. Yey!
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Fall? What fall?

Clearly, this is not fall we are experiencing but rather winter. Sigh.

breakdown

Today, I called work at about 2 in the morning to tell them I'm not coming to work and then set my alarm clock to 5 am to email my student that I'll see her on Friday instead. Sigh.

Yesterday was just so tiring. I ended up sleeping for an hour before my body/mind decided to wake up. Yes, I was up from midnight waiting for my alarm to set off to go to work. Luckily, it was a holiday which saved me from dealing with about 20 people behind the nursing station and furthermore, having an excellent student that can handle three of my patients with ease. I was dragging myself from one room to another in between hourly affirmation that the day will eventually end. Sure it didn't help that I had literally, the heaviest patient on the floor but there were plenty of hands to help when I needed it anyway.

By 9 I was in bed waiting for a call and by 9:30 I hanged up the phone and insisted that no other goodnite conversation is needed.

After measly two hours, I was awake much to my dismay. I took Gravol in hopes of knocking me out but nothing happened.

I feel guilty for calling-in-sick because I know we don't have enough staff but my body and mind is at breaking point. I am not about to make any mistake at work because I'm not feeling well. Better to loose a few hundreds in my pay than my license and someone else's well being.

I'm trying my best to break this insanity before it gets out of hand. Vitamins - check. Eating enough - check. No afternoon naps - trying. Exercise - desperately trying. No more shift work - impossible. Sigh.

day 2

because i can't sleep:

- played with the new ds game my brother bought. too bad yoshi can't run fast enough for me to finish the level 1-4. ugh. that or i'm not really coordinated or patient enough. now i'm wondering if i should buy the game trauma center. erm.
- finally finished the devils wears prada. this can only mean that i (a) re-read another book (b) buy a new book (c) force myself to finish some books i started or (d) actually start a book i bought long time ago.
- ponder whether i have a broken toe or convince myself it's merely the result of bad shoe choice. sure its painful and swollen but i don't feel like going to the doctor to ask. i'll give it another day or two. until then, i'll just have to make sure there's ample supply of blood going through it. if i can help it, no high heels.
- watch the filipino version of stairway to heaven. i am still trying to find time to watch the original korean version.
- stare at my phone to decide whether or not i should call j before he goes to work (i didn't because driving and talking on the phone is just not cool).
- reason to my parents that yes, i know its 4 in the morning but i can't help it if 2 weeks of night shift ruined my sleeping pattern again.
- debate whether i will actually wake up early enough to get a much needed haircut. whether i should go back to that guy who promised to cut my hair shorter next time while awkwardly asking me out or just find another salon.
- decide that this time i'll wake up before noon no matter what time this wide-awake-feeling goes away. also make sure that i set the alarm clock properly this time.

it's 6:30 and i am off to try going back to sleep. again.

wish me luck!!

it keeps going

Saturday night was a disaster.

It started off as any other night we've been having - quiet and steady. Sure, quiet is a word no one dares to utter and acknowledge for fear it will change within a blink of an eye but we all knew that it was the word that defined the night before. A word that we hoped will continue through our weekend shift.

Pass midnight was when things got out of hand. I can still recall the events leading up to what is the most traumatizing experience I've had since working as a nurse and I'm still playing it in my head over and over again. Everyone, including management, was in disbelief about what they heard Sunday morning. A psychiatric nurse was even sent on our floor, during our shift to debrief and allow us to talk about our experience. It was that bad.

None of the staff was physically harmed but we're all emotionally and mentally exhausted.

I have never feared doing my rounds at night with a mere flashlight as I check if everyone is breathing and alive until this happened. I'm hoping this feeling will only last me a night or two because paranoid thoughts will not do me or anyone good.

I guess this is all part of nursing anyway.
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The psych nurse suggested that "if you're a writer then maybe you'll find it helpful to write about it". I'm not a writer but I'm a blogger.... does that count?

Besides, I can't write the whole account due to confidentiality issues anyway. Sigh.

Is it time to get back to Dear Diary?

Erm.
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Dream #129:

It was some sort of elementary and highschool reunion. J and I were sitting on the floor while I looked around as I mentally gave names to faces I haven't seen for years. One of my friends sat beside me holding my left hand while J held my right. The doors opened and everyone started to head to that direction. Inside looked like the interiors of a church with wooden pews and an altar at front while tucked in the corner was a huge screen TV playing a hockey game. I looked at J's direction while apologizing that I didn't know there was going to be a Catholic mass.

An announcement was made to head towards our right and follow the procedure. Another guy from elementary introduced himself to J because I had a mental block and couldn't remember his name. The instruction was to write my name on a piece of paper, roll it up and drop it somewhere. Apparently it was some sort of math/business game wherein they'll partner you up with a company and you get to decide the strategies.

Great, I hate math and what do I know about business was the only thing I could think of.

The end.
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I woke up at 3 in the morning and read a dozen pages of The Devil Wears Prada before I decided to eat my breakfast.

It's 6:30 now and I'm hoping my body and mind will cooperate this time and let me sleep a little longer.

waiting to go to work

*phone rings*

It's my dad. He left almost 2 hours early for his appointment to be seen by a specialist. I figured he was calling to ask me about directions because his appointment is located at my hospital. Unfortunately, that wasn't the case. He was just calling me to let me know that his appointment was not this year, but next year. :S Erm.

This is the reality of wait times in our health care system. I can't complain because afterall I am part of the system. Sigh.
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I've been looking at images from the disaster that struck Philippines and its very disheartening. Everything is covered in mud and flood water. Sigh. How do you start over? I keep asking myself that question as I watch the struggle to thread the muddy water with backpacks over their head.

The amazing thing is that this is another example of how resilient and naturally happy Filipinos are. As the camera pans over them, they wave with a big smile on their faces. Even the kids, as unsanitary as it is, found entertainment by racing each other as they swam from one end to another. Then there's that one person interviewed who was even brave and hopeful enough to say that with hard work, they can get their things back. She was just happy that her family was safe.

I hope in due time the rescue team reach everyone that needs them.
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Is it time to countdown to Christmas yet?

end of the sunny streak

Wedding Pressure #33:

Kay haba haba man ng prusisyon
Sa kasalan din ang hantong

*pardon my spelling and whether or not it makes sense :S

When will it end?
Keep reading. :S
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I realized last night that I'm not ready to get married. As peeved as I am that it seems like that's the only thing that preoccupies people's mind lately, it doesn't seem like I'm all for it. I can't see myself cooking for someone, let alone waking up beside someone almost every night. Almost, because I have night shifts. Erm. It's also inconceivable at this point that I have to ask for permission or at least let him know what I'm buying and how much I'm spending. Sigh. Another thing that preoccupies my mind is I don't like cleaning other people's mess. I sometimes forget to pick up after myself as it is.

But with all that, I do like watching TV while sharing a cup full of ice cream with someone. It's not that bad either when winter comes and even the heaviest down blanket fail to keep my fat-deprieved body of heat. Body heat is the way to go. Isn't it how they do it when someone's about to suffer from hypothermia? Erm.

Thinking out loud.
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I am contemplating about finding another salon and getting a much needed haircut. I would love to try another hairstyle as suggested by J but I can't until my coworker changes her. It's kind of funny to copy her hairstyle when it took more than a year for some of our coworkers to stop calling us each other's name. Just because we're Asians doesn't mean we all look the same! Erm. Although we do like to play tricks on them sometimes. :S
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I had something else to say but now it's gone.
Sigh.

longer than long

J hates it when I tease him about other girls. I'm a very jealous girlfriend, and that's something I'm willing to admit, but I am not THAT girl either. You know, the crazy stalker and spying type. Erm.

Yesterday, I joked about wanting to have his passwords to everything. He laughed and said if I give mine then he would gladly hand over his. But you see, I don't share passwords just like I won't say yes to combined profiles. Erm. I was telling him that he used to let me type it in during the earlier times of our relationship and now it seems like he's hiding something. So far, operation guilt hasn't worked yet.

I won't really access his accounts though, since I do believe that everyone needs to maintain their privacy. *dun dun dun*
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The randomness of it all:

- Zipline was fun and scary. I am slightly afraid of heights and the beating of my heart was enough proof. I would have went through with my eyes closed but I would have missed the signals our guide give. On another note, I didn't reach the required weight to reach the end of the longest line, therefore had to rescue myself. Good times!
- Hungry passenger on a long drive (a.k.a. me) is not a good thing.
- I don't like US dollars. I hate having to check and recheck how much I have because they all have the same colour.
- I want to live close to the waterfront. Why must downtown condos have to be expensive?? Hmp.
- I think I swallowed a bug.
- I bought my very first astronaut space food. Even more amazing is that it's an ice cream sandwich. I haven't tried it yet because technically it's my only pasalubong to J.
- The first day of work after a mini-vacation is always eventful.

blab

I can't seem to write about anything.

Blink.
Blank.
Blink.

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Sometimes, I find myself helpless at work. I end up regurgitating the same old "I wish I could tell you what is going on but the doctors haven't said anything yet". And when I do know the answer to their question, I kinda wished I didn't because of the bad news they are about to get.

It's not always the same but the sometimes is enough to make a dent in my eagerness to work.

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I wish the heat would stay just a little bit longer.

form a single line please

I went to a wedding and J and I were asked the same question but in different ways: (1) When are you getting married? (2) So are you next? (3) Did he ask yet?

Now multiply that about 20 times.

My answer always began with a nervous awkward giggle followed by a somewhat hurried "oh no plans yet". J's answer vary slightly to an awkward no reply just a smile or his favourite joke, "she didn't propose to me yet".

Sigh.

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We had another one of those heart-to-heart talks after watching the movie, The Time Traveller's Wife. No, it wasn't because of the movie but more so because of my mood change.

I can honestly say that it is difficult to talk about something sensitive while in public. I was on the verge of tears when a lady decided to sit on the bench 5 inches away from him. Erm. It felt so weird that I wanted to laugh out loud but only managed to let out a sarcastic giggle (if such a thing exist).

Personal space aka bubble-around-me felt violated so I got up and pointed at another bench while looking behind in case she follows.

Erm.

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Two things on THE LIST*: take dance lessons and rent a sailboat for an hour.

mental

block.

That must be it.
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Sometimes I can be VERY unreasonable. It's almost sickening how I can be happy one moment and without so much as an untimely silent moment and my mood changes. I feel like this crappy weather we've been having - sunshine and rain, sunshine and rain with momentary breaks of gloom.

Frig. *censored :$

I need to wake up from this mess that is my mind.

Tomorrow sounds like a good time to start.
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A tag line that I would like to resonate in my life: When was the last time you did something for the first time?
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Skinny is not in.

on the other side

He's missing again.

Adventurous or stupid? I can't say but either way applies. I can't help but call out to his made-up name hoping that makes a difference. So far, complete failure.

Come back, turtle.
Someone from that small box you're trying to get away from misses you.
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After work, I met up with J to accompany him to the ER. Let's just say that it sucks to be on the otherside of that nursing station. I am but a patient/companion when I'm not wearing that stethoscope around my neck and the only thing I am good for is hopefully explain the medical jargon tossed around. So there we were, for more than 5 hours in a small room hoping the doctor will call out his name. He fell asleep but for the life of me, I can't sleep sitting up or lying on an uncomfortable vinyl-covered chair.

Unfortunately, my friend was not working that night, otherwise we could have gotten more information out of her. His nurse was a little too aloof to be approached - I don't blame her though.

Thankfully, nothing serious. :)
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I am amused by this song: The Bobo Song by Gloc 9
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Today was the sunniest day I have seen for a long long time.
Thank you for the break!!

interesting

It's sad to admit that I have lost interest in a lot of things.

I remember spending money and time filling up jars and whatever container I could find with stars of varying colours and designs.

I was once interested in reading books. But now, I haven't even finished the last book I bought.

I knew about cars before. I appreciated the paint jobs, the rareness of old cars and the curves of its body. And now, I could care less.

There was a time when I couldn't stop playing video games - racing or fighting. I was somewhat good at it. I haven't touched my DS and Wii for months and even though I miss them, I can't be bothered.

I loved taking pictures of everything and anything - including myself. I carried my camera everywhere I go no matter how ordinary the day is. Nowadays, I take pictures when I'm in the mood and when the occassion calls for it.

What is wrong???

And the sad thing about this realization is that the only thing I am truly interested in is something I can't afford and feasible all the time.

hi ho

They say it comes in three's.
Another superstition?
We still secretly dread it.
It's up there with the question, "is it full moon tonight?".

You might laugh, but you don't know how it is.
You don't know what we go through.

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It's been getting more tough to get through the day now. Recession? Oh you nurses don't feel it because you'll always have a job. Yes, you are right. But have you ever thought of what is really happening?

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It's not all gloom.
I see some ray of sunshine every now and then.
It can't all be about what's wrong.
It just can't be.

just a thought

Is a relationship suppose to reach a plateau?

The point of no surprises, no just-because-flowers, conversations that only revolve around hi-how was your day and the time you just take everything for granted.

Can it also mean being comfortable with each other enough to not doing anything special or out of the ordinary but know that it is already special?

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I have S.A.D.

Sunshine when will you come back?

No, I don't want a pretend peeking-in-behind-the-clouds kind of day. I want a day I can almost feel the sweat running through my back. I want a day that I can wear my sunglasses without feeling as if I'm hiding a black eye. I need a day to have the option of just wearing a tank top, skirt or flip flops without regretting it.

PLEASE SAVE ME!

dun dun dun

After much debate last week, I decided to get a haircut. Lucky me, I got a talkative hairdresser. He talked about his past girlfriend and how much of a "weirdo" she is. Apparently, she would be happy one moment and completely lash out on him the next.

And sitting here right now, I realized that "that's like me!".

Ack!!

So, now it's official. I'm weird.

ahhh vacation

I've been eating food we brought back from our trip non-stop. Breakfast. Lunch. Snack. Dinner. Breakfast consists of a cup of green tea with tarts and some biscuit I found at the grocery store. When there's nothing to eat for lunch or dinner, pancit canton and orange-mango or sweet ponkan juice saves the day. Every now and then I snack on yema, uraro, pastillas and tamarind candy. We've banned polvoron from our things-to-buy since everyone's sick of them and they're left on our cupboards for a very very long time. Ewww.

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There's really not much to say about our vacation except that it was fun and definitely memorable. I haven't seen some of my relatives since I moved here while some of them longer than that. I'm even surprised that no one dared mention "naaalala ko nung ganito ka pa kaliit". I'm kind of concerned that the reason they didn't say anything along those lines was because I haven't changed. Erm. Anway, every day there was a celebration and never a dull moment which is a far cry from what happens here. It's been a week since I've been back and I feel like I've been stuck at home to sleep and eat all day. Erm. Then again, what kind of vacation would that be if I'm bored all the time?

I wish I could go back every year without compromising my other plans of visiting other places and saving money for the "future" though.

My sister is trying to convince me to take vacation to visit our family in US for a few days and my friend wants me to visit her. Now if only both places didn't require a plane ride and a few hundred dollars worth of hard-earned cash, I would have packed my bags and cleared my schedule without hesitation. In saying that, I'm not ruling out the possibility. If my manager gives me the go, then why not. J is also going to Philippines for a month and is hoping I join him too. I said yes only if (a) he pays for my ticket (b) my manager agrees and (c) he gives me a cheque with the amount of money that I would have made if I didn't go on vacation. With those conditions, all signs point to no. Sigh.

karma

While waiting for our flight back home, we decided to have an early breakfast. What can you buy with a P500 bill? We chose a ham and cheese sandwich without a drink to save us from getting up too frequently during the long flight. As we were paying ,an old man was also paying for his sandwich when the cashier informed him, "wala po kaming panukli eh". Understandably because change for P1000 early in the morning is impossible. My sister and I volunteered to pay for whatever he wanted to eat because what will we do with our leftover money anyway. He was so grateful that he suggested, while writing down his address and phone number, that if by any chance we happen to drop by Washington, he would be more than happy to have us as guests.

This small gesture was then repaid by a kind man on the airport. He placed all four of our heavy luggage to the trolley without us asking. I guess it was obvious enough that we were struggling.

It just shows that Karma's not a bitch all the time. :D
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On another note, an old woman who bought a hotdog sandwich at the same store complained with an attitude saying, "sa AmeriKa nirereklamo ang mga ganito" as she shoved the sandwich back to the cashier. She insisted that she get a new one because the one she purchased what too hard. Yes, we understand how upsetting that is, especially at this time of the day, but who are you to make a scene like that. Did you really have to mention where you're from? Nakakahiya. People like her need a serious lesson on proper manners.

Maybe I should have said, "sa Canada hindi ganyan magreklamo mga tao". Sigh.

I wonder which side of Karma she'll be meeting.

jinxed

While packing our luggage, my dad casually asked my sister and I if we were bringing our stethoscopes. We both laughed and said, "what for?". What can you do with a stethoscope aboard a plane without any medical history of the passenger anyway? And so what if I can hear his or her hearbeat or the gushing of air in to his or her lungs? Nothing. Call a doctor I suppose?

In any case, on our way to Philippines we heard THE announcement we always dread for when travelling - If there is any medical personnel, doctor or nurses aboard the plane, please proceed to the back for some assistance. Dun dun dun. We looked at each other and for a moment and debated if we should go. Of course, conscience and responsibility prompted us to stand up and walk towards the back. We introduced ourselves to the stewardess who kindly informed us that there is a doctor assisting the passenger already. Saved! She still asked us for our seat numbers in case we were needed. Crisis averted.

Of course, that's not the end of it. On our way back here, I woke up with the same announcement. This time, its a small plane where I can see and hear the passenger in need of assistance. Luckily, there were two doctors already attending to the woman who kept saying, "I'm not feeling well". Saved again! Both of them were fine and we all went on with our lives except for one curious passenger sitting beside my sister. I almost pushed her out of her seat because she was practically straining her neck trying to see what`s going on. She`s the type of person who would stop mid-highway to see a car accident. Erm.

Anyway.

I'm just not THAT confident in my emergency-what-to-do skills yet to be called out like that. Maybe someday I won't hesistate to get up and ask, "how can I help you`?

wake up call

Nine more days and "I'm leaving on a jet plane".

I'm kind of getting nervous about the amount of money I have and will eventually spend when I'm there. I joked that while in vacation, there is no budget [insert crazy laugh].

So far the expenses include but not limited to:
- plane ticket (which I will pay when I come back)
- plane ticket to the province
- expenses for a day trip to do "something different"
- endless eating out
- spa? massage?
- hiring a driver which would save us from taking public transportation
- going out with friends and relatives

I think my initial budget will have to stretch for things to work out. I have asked J to "sponsor" me. Haha.

I'm extremely excited.

countdown

7 more shifts to go!

14 more days!

one more weekend!

AHHHHHHH!!

------------

Do you want to go back again on December?
Are you paying for my ticket?
I'll pay for half.
All?
Half.
Maybe not, I don't think I have any vacation days left.
Ok, I'll stay for a month or so.
Oh okay. Hmp. I guess no Christmas and bday gift for you.

hey june

I saw my ex yesterday.
What did you do?
Turned the other way and pretended not to see.
Errr.

---------------------

A friend of mine told me this story and another ex story. I told him he's being bitter about the whole thing but I guess I can't really blame him after he shared some details. He said he would have probably told her she's fat now if he had the chance. Err.

On the side note, if I was told I got fat after a few years of not seeing each other, I would be in a really good mood after.

------------------

I can't believe it's already June!

I will try not to take unnecessary short days or give away my shifts at work.
I will try to exercise more. (yeah right!)
I will definitely try not to be b*tchy.

ta-da

Lesson of the day: Breakfast/lunch breaks are a luxury, not a necessity.

It's been proven time and time again. It's almost to the point of being grateful for getting a chance to eat my lunch and have a bathroom break.

-------------------

Countdown to vacation begins!!

Can't. Wait. To. Leave. This. Behind.

-------------------

and i thought i was bad

First, he wanted a condo.
Then, he pondered about getting a new car.
Now, he's looking for a house.

Everyday it's different.

I have offered support, monetary and otherwise, to whatever he feels like as long as he makes up his mind to no avail. I have even told him he's like a girl the way he changes his mind. Instead of being adamant about not being one and finally making a decision, which is what I would have done, he laughs and agrees. Erm.

If I had money, I would have just purchased one of the many things he want and tie a huge ribbon around it.

Just to get it over with.

----------------------

If that is any indication of how I would buy a house or anything big, I apparently am not allowed to do it myself. Otherwise, I would flip a coin and get it over with.

I am hopeless.

if

If I had my way, I'd take a short day tomorrow and either stroll in the park or in the mall - Ipod blasting and cellphone off.

anyway

My tantrum passed and I am better.

It was merely a lapse of judgement or too much of it that led me to throw a fit and shake my fist in the air. Of course, that's just a figure of speech. I usually sulk until I reach some sort of boiling point and then burst to tears.

Crisis averted.

Erm.

-----------------

The movie buff in us emerged after hibernation and we watched Angels and Demons, X-Men: Wolverine and Star Trek. I must say I'm impressed by the last one - not a dull moment. X-men was such a disappointment that I only got excited when Agent Zero was there. :D

Anyway, more to look forward to. I just hope J doesn't become a traitor and see Transformers without me. Hmp. This week will hopefully be Terminator and in a few months, G.I. Joe.

---------------

Two more night shifts to survive. If only my last night shift would be the model of how night shifts would go, I wouldn't mind. :D

really now

I am not entirely sure what to think and how to feel.

wt*

Erm.

Total turn off I tell you.

take the plunge

I've gotten in trouble for being impulsive/stubborn/stupid (not sure which one applies - varies on my mood too) this week and I'm not sure if today will be added to it.

I bought a Wii Fit.

Cons: taking L.O.A. as needed, "saving up" for Phil vacation, paying for other bills
Pros: more use for my web-covered Wii console, some sort of exercise regime, motivation to gain much needed weight to not be "underweight"

What I learned? I need to gain at least 20 lbs to be within the normal BMI. Ack!

This is my last purchase for myself. I HOPE!

daily mantra

I will not be annoyed.

I will not be annoyed at small things.

I will not be annoyed at everything under the sun.

I will not be annoyed for no apparent reason.

*****

If for some reason I break this, I will tear myself out of this computer and be away for enough time to punish myself. If I still continue to do so, I will stop watching TV and if that doesn't go well, I will leave my Ipod when I go out.

Drastic?

Yes.

But there is something really wrong with me and I need to save myself from self-destruction before things get worst. :)

all you need is imagination

When we're busy, we don't eat. We might squeeze in a smoothie/coffee/tea break while charting and still get up when we're called. If we're about to faint, shake because of low sugar or couldn't concentrate any longer, we beg for a few minutes to buy something and eat it on the way or sit for 15 minutes. We push for our patients to eat healthy but we settle for chocolates, candies and cookies brought by families as our source of sustenance. That's how it is.

Bathroom breaks escape us sometimes. If we try to go and there is someone in the washroom, we might end up waiting for hours to have another chance. We get worried when our patients are not able to pee after 4 hours. Meanwhile, there are days I've gone through the day without a bathroom break - that's more than 12 hours if anyone is counting. That's how it is.

When we're tired, we laugh. We start laughing at silly things like thinking that someone said that the patient's last name is "Sulong" instead of "so long". We start making weird sounds, humming out loud or just plain giggling for no apparent reason. We have to believe that laughter is the best medicine, at least on ourselves. That's how it is.

It's Nursing Week soon and we all need a pat on our shoulders. Some of us may choose to wear a temporary tattoo of "Super RN" on our cheeks or arm for the fun of it - courtesy of management. Some of us will probably just be like Clark Kent, wear our normal clothes but still remain to have super human powers. We all have our moments and we all have flaws. When may vent, call-in sick or give away our shift, trust me on this - we need it. That's really how it is.

whatever

Sometimes, I baffle myself.

I hate that I win almost every single arguement/fight. He always says sorry and dismisses whatever I say. He pleads, "please don't be upset with me". It then angers me more which lead to unnecessary tears and burst of emotion.

The funny part is that I second guess myself and think whether or not it was even worth to fight about. The worst part is that he glosses over everything. Sigh.

Whoever suggested that we shouldn't go to bed mad seems to be living in a fantasy world.

ding dong

... chimed the doorbell at 10 in the morning.

I treat the doorbell like I would the phone. I only answer depending on my mood and whether or not I have an idea of who it could be on the other side. I dislike unknown callers (as suggested by caller ID) as much as I dislike opening the door for unannounced visitors especially when I'm alone.

A young attractive man wearing a crisp grey suit with a Bible in hand greeted me. I was already uncomfortable to begin with because I was wearing my somewhat see-through pjs but there was no turning back anymore. He shared the word of God before he casually asked what my religion is. I answered with hesitation as I know it's not really religion but rather a lifestyle as I was told numerous times. He nodded with what I can only interpret as approval as if to say "better than nothing". I let him talk while thinking to myself that it was a good idea that I decided to put a sweater on top of what I was wearing. He thenpromised to come and visit again while I ponder the points written on the pamphlet.

I didn't want to be rude and dismiss his effort. Afterall, I know how much courage it takes to do what they do. Aside from that, when am I really home? I work most days and it's rare that I'm awake at 10 in the morning anyway. Erm.
--------------

Everyday I play different kinds of guessing games:
- Sunny or rainy? Warm or cool? Which will tie in with whether or not I should water my dad's plants
- Is there enough food to eat three times a day or not?
- Will he call or not?
- Will I be cranky or smile throughout the day?

I know... some are really choices instead of a game of chance but I would like to believe otherwise. I am stubborn or lazy that way.
--------------

I made the couch my temporary bed while my parents are away. I am now convinced that leather is not my friend and size does matter. Erm.

this is not the end, yet

I was doing perfectly fine when it unexpectedly hit me while praying. The pastor said something and next thing I knew, I was unable to control my tears. A few minutes later, it seemed like the well wouldn't dry up and I excused myself and stood outside the church. I'm sure it was cold but it somehow didn't matter. J followed and comforted me as I made faces to lighten the mood and stop myself from becoming too emotional.

The Church didn't know about what happened and somehow, I felt better that way. It wasn't until someone deduced my tears to what was written on my Friendster that they realized. Word spread throughout and when J's parent's asked me, I couldn't even talk. Instead, tears flowed freely and abundantly again.

The pastor called me to the front and laid their hands on me. A prayer for my Grandma and for my family was offered. I was comforted. In tears I felt some relief and comfort that God is with me. Every hug and handshake I got was very sincere and heartfelt. They knew my pain.
------------------------

On a much lighter note, J treated me to dinner at the CN Tower's revolving restaurant. It took a little bit of time to adjust to the revolving part of it as we felt dizzy and odd. The food was pricey but some of it was good - especially the ordinary but yummy apple pie-ish dessert with a scoop of ice cream in the middle. This one could rival my Jello obsession anytime. Haha.

It actually felt like a first date with someone I've known for a long time. :)
------------------------

I've been off work for a week and instead of boasting about how well-rested I am or how much sleep I've had, it seems like it's the exact opposite.

lub dub

Last night, my heart was beating with a sense of urgency. The kind that would wake you up at five in the morning hoping to find sunshine instead of darkness for comfort. It doesn't help that my imagination was still active from conjuring up weird dreams that it bled in to my present state. I'm not entirely sure whether it was my irregular heartbeat that resulted in a series of weird dreams or whether it was the other way around. I remember thinking to myself, "is this suppose to be a nightmare?"

Because if it was going to turn out that way, I didn't feel like staying to find out.
----------------------

Birthday gifts I received this year: jewelry, fisheye camera and strawberry shortcake
Looking forward to: a promise of a good dinner and company
---------------------

The sun is shining and I feel like hopping on to a bus without a definitive plan. I haven't done anything spontaneous lately. They all somehow fall in the category of being impulsive instead. The difference between the two may not be night and day but I follow my own dictionary anyway. I still have Saturday to plan for this. Wake up early, take my camera and just go.

Wish me luck.

If nothing happens, maybe that's as spontaneous as I get - imagining what-could-have-beens. Erm.

it's my birthday

... and I'll cry if I want to.

---------------

I read this old joke in Bob Ong's book and it still cracks me up everytime I remember it as if it's my first time hearing it.

I'm kind of weird that way.
---------------

I don't need to make sense today.
I'm allowed to do whatever I want to, say whatever I feel like and not be held accountable.
Erm.
That's the crazy me talking.
--------------

I had a pre-birthday dinner because my parents won't be here to celebrate with me. I kind of wanted to write off the day completely but my sister said we should still do something even though the circumstances is dreary. Sigh.

But birthdays needs to be celebrated.
-------------

I also want to say goodbye.
We will miss you.
That picture of you laughing will be embedded in our memory.
Say hi to the rest of the family long gone. :)

all out

I don't like working weekends and nights.

It's really unfortunate because I get paid more for doing so. As much as I need more money to support my various endeavours in life, I have managed to somewhat stick to my budget and keep my credit cards (mostly) in the zero balance state every month. This means that if and when I need to cut my 12 hour shift to 8 hours when the offer comes along, I am in liberty to do so. This week, I'll be 8 hours short on my pay and that will translate to a dent in my pay I will try to ignore. Haha.
--------------
me: Is there anything else I can do for you before I leave?
patient: Oh no. That`s it, thank you.
family member: Wait, I have a question. Are you always this cheery?
me: I try. It`s too nice outside to not be happy.
--------------
All along, the turtle had a plan. Day by day, he studied his environment and attempted a few times to escape the tiny aquarium that`s keeping him and another confined but well fed. Then last night, the great escape finally happened. He was nowhere to be found and even the cover of the aquarium looked as if it was untouched.

I admire him for this courage and his need to get out.

Unfortunately, there`s a reason why he`s in that tiny box. After minutes of searching, he was found in a carpetted corner hoping to go unnoticed.

I`m sure he`s back there, thinking of a new plot to disappear again.

if everyday was like this

Why can't I just enjoy a simple moment without having to dissect the why's and what's of it? It's as irritating as that guy who doesn't know what personal space means. Erm.

But really, why do I have to think that something has to mean something?

A friend of mine that went through a break-up and an impending separation as they live together now realized that their relationship is much better than they were together. She said she doesn't have to think about why he didn't call or why they didn't go out that night. "It is what it is", is what she concluded. Simple enough.

So when that happens while in the relationship, is it good or does it spell trouble instead?

If that doesn't make sense, I have a fall back reason - I am weird.
--------
I love Seinfeld.

"Why is nice bad? What kind of a sick society are we living in when nice is bad?"
-------
Are you Italian?
No, no. I'm Filipino.
But you're name is Italian though.
I guess we borrowed it because we liked it so much.
I know a lot of people with that name in Italy.
I do too. There's a lot of girls with my name where I come from.
-------
I am slightly disappointed. But who am I to expect something though. Sigh.

of all the stupid things

While in report, I giggled like a school girl while the nurse in charge mentioned a patient's last name. No, I'm too mature to laugh now every time I say pee pee and poo poo. But no, I'm not that mature yet that I won't make a joke if it fits right in.

Did I mention that I still say whoopsy when (a) I make a small mistake or (b) I almost bump in to someone at work? Erm.
------------------
I have a penchant for blurting out a fake name when a stranger asks. I would just hate to know that some stranger can just scream out my name, if they're crazy enough, when I pass by them again at some other time. Highly unlikely I know, but I am one paranoid girl. Tonight, I didn't want to play that game though. I brushed off the question with a why as I calculated how long I have to talk to this guy until it's my time to get off. I don't like talking to drunk guys and I especially hate talking to drunk 25 year old's who just so happens to have an ephiphany that getting someone pregnant is not the way to go. Ugh.

Note to self: Either don't sleep or just pretend to sleep the whole way through to stay away from interesting people.
----------------
Two of my friends here are getting married the same day I'm leaving for Philippines. Erm.
---------------
When do you ask someone to stay and when do you let them go? Weird question? Yes. But ponder about it anyway. :P
---------------
This weekend will be filled with activities and I am somewhat happy that I'll be working nights next week. Insomnia is my friend and my enemy.

Another thing to be happy about: I'm not working nights while there's full moon. Things happen during full moon - trust me.

a blurb day

Sometimes, I can be an emotional wreck. There's just something that builds up inside and tears will flow out of my eyes as if I flicked an invisible switch to turn it on and off. It's quite scary. It's weakness I am well aware of and weakness I can't seem to shake off.

It's annoying.
It's frustrating.

I want to be over it.

Now, if only I can shake myself violently without losing more brain cells than necessary, I would.

sing me a song

I am rarely without earphones when I am by myself outside the house. I like to shut other people's conversation out of my head and be in my own world. Then there's the need to mentally prepare myself for work too. I need a good song to be stuck in my head to blurt out once in a while while walking down the hall to get ready to deal with difficult patients. My sanity sometimes depends on that particular song - something to hum while I escape to my happy place if only for a second.

Some days, I get stuck with Womanizer and Day and Night.

Overplayed songs? Yes.
Sometimes, I don't mind though. I just need a good beat.
---------
Lately, it seems like wedding questions have been umm popping up more frequently than they used to. At work, they ask if the day is coming and depending on my mood, my answer becomes (a) we don't have any money yet (b) I'm still helping my parents (c) it's not in our plans yet (d) he didn't ask me yet (e) I don't really know.

Then we also get these questions while at church. I'm not sure if people are getting antsy about it or whether they just want some sort of closure. Erm. I mean, have it finalized and certain. But why? What's the rush?

It's not like being married is the end all and be all of everything.
--------

Too many thoughts in my head.
Stressed about work.
Uncertainty of what is to come.
Mind-numbing rationalization of my behaviour.
The need to be okay.
Sigh.

--------
Excuse me while I listen to this. It reminds me of something I can't remember. A summer of some sort or was it during the school year? Who knows. All I know is that it's a song to just sit back and relax - no need to pick at the lyrics...

just another day

It's hard to talk about work without breaking the Confidentiality (yes, with a capital C) agreement that I signed as early as my first year in Nursing. I need to vent and at times I'm tempted to talk about these things to get it off my chest and mind space. Carefully hidden with every stories are details that will distinguish them from other patients. Sigh.

I guess we're meant to vent to and with other nurses. It's hard for other people to fully comprehend anyway without having every bit sound like some sort of tragedy or a sob story.

Today, I have another one.

A story meant as a warning to some, a puzzle to a few and maybe a game - 20 questions to name one. I'll tell you once it's over.

-----------------------------
A Cheerios commercial leaves this song in my head: I Try - Macy Gray
-----------------------------

Is it just me or James Bond never gets a bruise that will lasts more than 5 minutes?

material girl

Pardon my materialistic side, but I am in the process of searching the perfect gift for myself. By the end of this month, I will have one (maybe two if my generous self overcomes my budget-conscious self) of these items.

This was the result of kind-of-stuck-at-home-on-a-sunny-day research. I would have said soul-searching but that would be borderline too dramatic and I would rather reserve it for such a day. :D

The first one is this little work of wonder to satisfy the poser in me. I saw it while browsing here. Kind of cool since my tiny tripod only works well when its on a semi to completely even surface.

I know, I know.. I just bought two bags recently but there is reason behind my madness. I bought two large bags to (1) be my carry-on type of thing to my trip in Philippines and (2) a work bag to fit all my clothes and baon for work. If I'm going to embark on this gaining more weight, slowly but surely, I need to pack more food to last the day instead of buying random things all the time. I even bought Jello at the sandwich place because I couldn't help myself, much to my coworkers' amusement. :S So you see, a small bag wouldn't do me harm. Sure it's Coach, but still. Erm. I'm not a shoe girl, I'm a bag girl. Haha.

As for the rest, I don't have pictures of them but I like the idea of a cheap lens that has gotten good reviews from almost all of the ones I read. Aside from being lightweight, it won't make a big dent on my wallet. I have yet to buy new shoes for either nursing or everyday walking and a Nike or Puma won't hurt. If the "buy one get one 50%" window sign is still there, I might as well buy two. Yes? No?

If anything, I am merely a window shopper. I have cut wayyyy back on my spending habits - except on food. :D This is also the end of this craziness. I will not mention them anymore (at least until I have acquired one). If wallet-dictates it, I am veering towards the Monsterpod. Haha.