private thoughts

Sometimes I look at him and still wonder why he did it. Then there are those moments when I completely detach him from the act and be absolutely convinced that it wasn't the same man who did it.

When this year ends, I plan to forget.

What is love afterall if not to take risks?

It may not be easy to cast aside my doubts, insecurities and pain but how long do I intend to hold on to them anyway. If the unthinkable happens again, shame on me.

------------------------

I saw a YouTube video of what a woman scorned by her cheating partner could do. I almost felt sorry for the mistress. Erm. If she didn't know he was attached, that would have been the worst way to find out. If she did in fact know, I wonder if she still think it was worth it. Eek.

------------------------

I am procrastinating once again.

breaking point

I reached my breaking point Friday night at work. Frustrated, cranky and hungry does not mix well together. I was beginning to feel sick from all the nonsense that I informed them I'm not coming back the next day. I got home at 10:30 half-frozen and convinced that I can't be a superwoman. I guess the upset stomach I had to endure the next day was the last straw to convince me that my decision was right.

-----------------



Family member: I would like to pay for a private nurse.

Me: Sure, but I would suggest hiring a personal aid worker instead of a nurse. I can provide you the number and you can ask about the cost you will have to pay.

FM: You won't pay for that?

Me: No. She does not need it in my opinion.

FM: The other patient in the room called for a nurse and it took 5 minutes for the nurse to come.

Me: *blank look*

-----------------------

Did he just say 5 minutes?? I guess we are all suppose to be like Flash - right where you want in a blink of an eye. Who cares if we're in report to know whats going on? I guess it doesn't matter if we're with another patient because we are expected to be in two places.

Did someone call for Super(wo)man?

Wait, let me get my cape.

----------------------

Three group of friends translates to three different holiday get-together. Did I mention two groups out of the three are nurses which means there's at least one with a different shift?

Is it just me or does life generally revolve around work?

Eek.

Tomorrow, I will change my opinion and say life is about friends, family, love and experiences.

pardon me

There it is again. I see a crack that gradually gets bigger and more noticeable. Ugh, it's annoying.

Is it me or is it him? I can't really tell. It seems like all signs are pointing in my direction but I'm sure I can convince any jury to conclude otherwise.

Sometimes I feel one of us is just waiting for the other shoe to drop. Whatever that means. It's like a game, no one wants to give up but with a little more patience, surely one will have to speak up eventually.

He denies it, but why do I still feel this way? If being needy was a skill, I may have perfected it. If being insensitive was a job, he could have been the boss.

How can we fix the problem when only one person believes it is a problem? Questions, questions.

La di da, nothing is wrong.

La di da, am I just predicting another tragedy?

La di da, just tell me if it's over.

and then

Dream #192

grade 6 classroom. the teacher handing out test papers. I asked if math was today and he said yes. I panic. I certainly didn't review algebra. one paper after another was filled out with uncertain answers. I cursed myself for not studying. the results were back, all of them around 50%. impossible. I am smart afterall. wth happened?

-------------------

Dream #193

elementary school. there was some sort of program. I went up the stairs with papers in my hand. he came out of nowhere. he said he'll walk with me. the rooms were all dark but there were students inside. I said I can't stay there by myself so we walk back to see the program instead. I saw his wife and kid.

------------------

Dream #194

it was a beach or a lake. there was a bridge. I was curious. there were pigs of different sizes with their heads slightly cut off. they're breathing. a little bit farther were gigantic pigs. I was scared. one started to bite me aggressively. I ran away.

------------------

I am used to having strange dreams now. Most of them are connected to what I see or talk about during the day and it is quite amusing to look back.

As long as I don't wake up with my heart beating fast or a tear on my eye, I don't mind my dreams anymore.

vague

AHHHHH!

Valuable lesson for today: Learn to trust again

AHHHHH!
-----------------------

So far, I've survived two long days of being in-charge. It is a gruesome position to be in and definitely not for the faint of heart. I extended my 12 hour shift to 13.5 hours with only 15 minutes of break. Superwoman? Nope. A skeleton in the making - if I'm not considered as one yet. Erm.

----------------------

I looked at myself in the mirror today and realized that I lost weight in my face yet again. Sigh. This weekend will be dedicated to fattening myself to look at least healthy. It is bad enough that the sleep fairies are on strike again and forgotten to visit me but to wake up in a panic remebering details of the days work is worst. Stress is not my friend.

I am escaping a day of in-charge to attend a conference.

Sleep fairies, please don't visit me there. Erm.
----------------------

The winter blues are slowly creeping in. I will therefore need to be like a "camel", absorb all the sunshine I can get when there is one.

Why can't there be a sunflower-producing-sunshine like in PvZ? Then again, I don't want zombies to be real either.

Erm.

I have spent far too much with the new toy. I need a distraction.
-----------------------

I am definitely suffering from ADD.

when do we cry?

Reality television convinced us that you know it's the wedding dress for you when you or your family shed some tears.

We had a blast yesterday - a friend, my cousin, brother, sister and myself.

The first wedding dress she ever put on might be an actual contender. There were no tears, but there was definitely a look of amazement from all of us. It doesn't hurt that whatever she tried on fits so well - except one frilly-apparently-trendy dress no one cared for.

Excitement is definitely in the air. Time is going by so fast!
------------------

When asked, how long of a train would you like on your dress?:

A bride would say: Short? Long? Which do you think would look better?
A bride who happens to be a nurse might say: Ewww. Definitely not long, hello...infection control. It'll be dragging on the ground!

Hahaha.

I have a feeling that if she does get a long dress, I will be holding it the whole time. She did say I'm the MAID of honor. Erm.
----------------

And because I am easily swayed by something catchy, regardless if the song has a meaning or not, I am stuck with:

Poppin bottles in the ice, like a blizzard

When we drink we do it right gettin slizzard

Sippin sizzurp in my ride, like Three 6

Now I’m feelin so fly like a G6

Like a G6, Like a G6

Now I’m feelin so fly like a G6

by: Far East Movement

-----------------

I am experiencing calm before the storm.

Dun dun dun.

ahhhh..says the crazy lady

I had a trial run at being the in-charge nurse on Monday and all I can say is - AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

I am now convinced that back-breaking physical work is by far easier than dealing with everything else that goes on. No, it's not easy to know everything about 30 patients on top of dealing with surgery schedules, family appointments, discharge plans and the new admissions to the hospital.

It is challenging to follow doctors around and talk to them when some of them look at you like a young kid who does not know what she is doing. It is frustrating and frankly, a tad annoying.

It is even more fun when so many people talk to you at the same time.

This is deja vu.

The only difference is, I am expected to be in this position for at almost a month.

OH, THE HORROR!!!

i heard

Will you stir, still or stand the storm?

This was the message from the pastor today. It brought me to tears. I have gone through storms both weak and strong in my life. There are times that it made me question my faith, forget the blessings I have been given and doubt the existence of God. It is not easy being a Christian afterall.

I seldom talk about religion as I can only hope that people around me know through how I live my life. I am not perfect though and I don't think I ever will be. I have sin and will sin. I can only strive to be better.

I only need to believe.

I just need to constantly remind myself that no matter what kind of storm comes my way, God will be with me and that every thing has a purpose.

flip flop

Every now and then, I feel the need to justify why I still keep a blog. Does it still serve as a diary that stores my feelings and thoughts only to betray me eventually? Is it for venting purposes that provide some sort of emotional catharsis? Am I writing to remember?

It's been three years - longer if I count the one I deleted.
---------------

I found a restaurant wherein I don't mind sitting alone and eating on my own pace. Sometimes, I find having a date with myself can be therapeutic.
---------------

As my sister's maid of honor, I am useless. :S

I have no idea what I need to do or at least what is expected of me. I like research work but I am clueless on how to plan parties and play host for all of them. Eek.

I'm not the one getting married but I am stressed.
--------------

Is it time to say goodbye yet?

it's time for a break

I had a breakdown after my extended nine hour shift last Saturday. It took a lot of effort not to shed a single tear during those hours considering I was mentally, physically and emotionally tired.

The day started off heavy as I said goodbye to a grieving family. They thanked me for the care I had provided even though it was only for a few hours. Dealing with death early morning did not make for a good start.

Unfortunately, it went downhill after that.

I was literally running with only a meal supplement in my stomach that I forced myself to take as breakfast. Complications after complications unfolded until I was watching the doctor do chest compressions on my patient. Everyone knew how far from my element I was. It was my first code*.

After the incident, I held my composure as I reassured my student and thanked everyone for their help and support. I asked J to pick me up and cried as soon as I sat down.

I keep asking myself, why did I choose to be a nurse again?

I ate lunch at 5 pm that day.

*code blue = indicates patient requiring immediate resuscitation*

a night like this

Message sent:

Sometimes I wish you would have a little more insight or even sensitivity to know when something is wrong.

--------------

Message recieved:

none

---------------

eat me

I found something new to love - at least for now.

Oatmeal Crisp with Almonds. YUMM!

I have been eating this cereal with a bowl of milk for breakfast, lunch and/or dinner. Sometimes, twice in a day. I have a feeling this kind of love might be short lived though. It's like how I felt about Coco Puffs. Sigh.
----------------

It's already October tomorrow just when I was about to be dramatic and sing, "wake me up when September ends".

October is all about apple picking, Thanksgiving, fall colours, rain and one month closer to another year. I'm about to bring out the heavy jackets, sweaters, cardigans and boots. This also means another excuse to go shopping. Erm.
---------------

I don't know where this is going.

its raining, its pouring

Today, I was pinched and punched. One left a mark while the other bothered me for a little bit. It's all in the days work I suppose.

Sigh.
------------------

It feels like nothing happened.

It may be for the better. I like to live in bliss. Erm.
------------------

I had a dream...

whatever comes to mind

My thoughts often wander between work, life, love, family and everything in between almost simultaneously. One after another I think of the possibilities and then just like that, move on.

I stumbled upon a newspaper article and learned a valuable lesson - "wherever you are, is where you're supposed to be". He said applying it to every aspect of your life will bring you peace and happiness.

Contentment, I suppose, is my take on it.

Every now and then I think, am I suppose to move up or on? Better pay? Get higher education to get out of the bedside and physical labor? Some people seem to think so. But I say, I'm good for now. Is it laziness or contentment? I am not sure.

When my relationship is shaky, to say the least, do I let go or hang on? Am I suppose to be with him or meet someone else? Is it contentment or fear? It's hard to say.

I dream of a different life sometimes. But needless to say, my life isn't that bad regardless of the stress, the problems and the hurt I have to endure. It is what it is.

And when all else fails, I'm convinced that the other life lesson is helpful - "smile as often and as genuinely as you can".

As much of a crybaby as I am, I do convince myself to live by this as often as I can. However hard it may be.

Erm.

*article*

-------------------------------
During a conversation over dinner, someone blurted out "you can't eat love". I wanted to say, "money isn't everything" but that might have prompted more discussion and I was too tired to participate.

Funny enough, I always tell my coworkers "that's what my money is for", when they tell me that they pity the guy who will marry me because I can't cook. :P

Hello take-out meals!

Horrible and not too practical I know. I guess that would be another lesson that I will eventually have to learn. :D

letting go

I finally did it, I deleted my Friendster account.

Despite of the fact that I love having the option of being able to look back at messages, write-ups and profiles for the sake of remembering, I decided it was time to let go.

As a tribute, I will include the "About Me" section that someday may be useful when I feel that I have lost myself and need some guidance to find it again.

strawberry cheesecake ice cream addict a procrastinator reluctant driver a book lover and a music fanatic an optimist (most of the time) obsess with cherry blossoms and the colour blue afraid of roller coasters suffers from a mild case of insomnia laughs at anything and close to everything dreams of bungee jumping and sky diving someday (yeah right!) loves AE constant dreamer impulsive buyer TV addict loves the *click* sound the digicam makes frustrated karaoke singer supporter of iTunes

checking in

I feel numb.

I find myself retreating to my safe place more often these days. A place in my head where no thoughts exist and I am safely in a bubble free from those that try to shatter it. If I can isolate myself figuratively and literally, I would.

I thought about staying in a hotel just for a night to dissect every event, thought and feelings I have. It is a gruelling task meant for a weekend retreat that I can only afford to do in one day. It is something I dream of when things are rough.

I am a runner.

I envision myself hiding in hopes that things will go back to how it was before the storm hit. It is what weak people do. It is what I want to do.

It is maybe for the same reason that I envy those who can face their problems, solve it and move on with their lives - regrets and all. I'm sure I was one of those people before. I must have stumbled somewhere and decided that it is far too tiring to be that way.

I know there are holes and cracks in my bubble but if I can just stay inside a little longer, I know I'll make it through again this time.

round and round i go

dinner table. with him. with her. with them. i order with clarity but confused as to why i'm even there. was i suppose to be part of this group? i doubt it. food comes, one plate at a time. the two start eating, oblivious of the fact that only their food arrived. they turn and talk to each other. again, i question my presence. i turn back and the waiters packed up every single dish in white containers as if saying time to leave. we hurry down. i still don't know why.
---------------------------
it's a pool party. everyone's there. i frantically look for my bathing suit afraid to miss out on the fun. she said her dad told her how inappropriate her bathing suit was. a t-shirt is in order. i check my luggage again. still nothing. i glanced back at the pool and they decided the front yard was far too small to have two pools. one square at a time, they rearranged the pool on the street instead. don't ask me why but it was possible.
--------------------------
i was at work. how many patients do i get? i don't remember. she's in-charge and i'm hovering. everything looks familiar with a twist. what's going on?
--------------------------

I am at home after a brief apologetic phone call last night to ask for a sick day. It always is a battle in my mind before I do so. There is always that guilt and responsibility versus reality. I am burdened by the knowledge that sometimes, there really isn't enough staff to cover the floor but what am I to do when I know my body will hate me if I go through with it. I convince myself that I am my own nurse to myself. It's distracting to feel sick physically, mentally or emotionally at work. It's never safe for anyone.
-------------------------

Today, I finished a compelling book within two days of picking it up. It's been a while since I've had time, energy or motivation to immerse myself completely on something. Ironically, it's about doctors and medical jargon. I can't seem to escape the medical field even on my leisure time. I'm not complaining, I feel privelege to understand it. Almost a little too much than I would like at times though.

look at me

I can't seem to stop forming random thoughts in silence and then moving on before I can think about it any further. It is tiring and a little annoying. My attention span is playing tricks on me again.

Make up your mind!!!

Erm.
----------------------
I always thought that I have small eyes until recently. A patient's son interrupted our conversation only to blurt out, "you have very big eyes" which made me ponder whether it was a compliment or not. Didn't the conversation between Red Riding Hood and the Grandma Wolf started out that way?

Dun dun dun.
-----------------------
Once again, I was sternly reminded of my limited freedom. Details aside, I am left wondering if marriage really is the only possible option or solution.

Sigh...
----------------------
I currently (because tomorrow and the following day will be different) feel that I would benefit from taking a course or at least pick up a hobby. This is usually a fleeting urge to break the routine I have day after day that often fades after a series of failed attempt.

Hmmm
----------------------
Last Monday, I opted to clean J's place. A task that was challenging since I know how particular he is with certain things. When I do laundry, I normally have four categories - coloured, white, scrubs and jeans. As for J, I ended up doing at least 6 loads to accomodate his rules and I didn't even finish! I started at 9 and gave up around 6. If this was a real cleaning job, I wonder how much I could have made that day.

Come to think of it, I can charge him my usual hourly rate.

Ladida

good samaritans?

It baffles me everytime a patient eats half of whatever they bought and proceeds to offer me the leftover. Case in point, someone said "oh can you bring this to the nursing station in case they want the rest" while handing me a half cup of vegetables and dip. Erm.

And then even more bizarre is when the same thing happened to me outside the hospital. Wt.

I was looking at a table full of books for sale when a business man came up to me and asked, "would you like to have a grand [insert fancy Starbucks coffee]?" while extending the said cup. Erm. I politely declined and said I don't drink coffee.

Is it me or is it weird to offer strangers food whether it's half eaten or not?
--------------------

Apparently if I help someone on a plane as a nurse, I am not covered under the Good Samaritan's law. Basically, if something happens and that said person who needed help sues me, it can actually happen. Erm.
--------------------

Goal update: my arms are sore and I had to take a break from exercising (only one day!!)

today is the day

Maybe.

I am highly motivated (again) and convinced that my plans will actually work (I hope) this time around. Afterall, it doesn't hurt to be positive.

So far, my plans include:
- at least 30 mins with the Wii Fit
- 20-40 reps with the dumbbell
- buy some sort of protein shake and/or meal supplement
- grocery shop for snacks I can/will actually eat
- take vitamins everyday

I really hope that I see results sooner rather than later. I have a tendency to lose interest when I don't see change right away. I may not be able to do everything EVERY single day because of work/laziness/downtime but I will try to stick to it as long as I can. :D

come away with me

After being away from work for two weeks, my co-workers said I look well rested and different. It must be the tan I got from staying under the sun, despite of the fact that I tried my best to walk under the shade.

Of course, they also said, "just wait after a few days at work and everything will be back". Erm.

Surprisingly, I did feel the difference. I wasn't as stressed even though my patients were keeping me on my feet for most of the day and with explaining, re-explaining and doing it all over again in a span of five minutes.

Hopefully, it takes more than two shifts to reverse the effects of a good vacation!
----------------------

The difference between J and I:

- I turned away when J felt sick in the car and threw up on a paper bag. This is one of my weaknesses, I can't stand hearing someone gag/vomit or see them doing so (so much for being a nurse!). Meanwhile, when it happened to me and I was staring at the toilet because I felt sick to my stomach (literally), he wanted to hold my hair up. Erm.

- I will not pay for first class seats for a 1.5 hour flight while he was ready to swipe his card without hesitation.

- He overpacks while I try to justify every piece of clothing I place in my luggage. In the end, he was smarter since I didn't have anything decent to wear on our last day of the trip

- I am not a fan of roller coasters! I unknowingly agreed to go on a ride that I didn't think would be one and throughout the ride, I was swearing in my head because I couldn't even scream. J on the other hand was laughing and enjoying every minute of it. The picture they take as souvenir said it all, I looked like I was about to have a heart attack.
---------------------

After a brief two weeks vacation, I am now back to reality. It really isn't so bad. I need the everyday life to enjoy the special things along the way. :D

quick, think fast

Was it boredom or relapse? I'm somehow convinced that it was a moment of weakness.

I know I should have moved on by now but the bitter taste still lingers in my mouth. There are days that it feels like nothing happened and then there are those that make me cringe at the mere thought of it.

I am hoping to break free and forget soon.

Then again, is forgetting the answer?
-----------------------------------

I am finally on vacation after two days. The only problem is, my mom is not too happy about my request to go away with J.

I am once again left to wonder, when does adulthood start again?

Is it only when I'm out of the house and married? Am I still not accountable for my own actions? Am I not responsible enough to make my own decisions when I can technically fend for myself already?
---------------------------------

Questions, questions.
---------------------------------

It's 5:50 in the morning, and I really should be getting ready for work.

I'm disappointed and I can't help but feel a little lethargic. I may just be a wind-up toy today. Ready to do the task I was set to do and nothing more. Afterall, it seems like I'm expected to be such sometimes.
--------------------------------

Happy posts next time.
I swear.

take me away

Everything is related.

I can't help but think whether this is what's going to happen from now on.

Peace of mind will be a luxury I can't afford.

Holding back will be the new norm.

If this is the case though, I have no one to blame but myself.

It is, afterall, a choice I will make.

Sometimes, I feel numb.

It's a defense mechanism that makes it slightly bearable.

A distraction if I may say so.

But, slowly, the bitterness creeps in again.

I am brewing the perfect soup.

Anger, resentment and sadness with a pinch of contentment.

I am not a good cook and it shows.

entry #123

I would like to wake up when everything is how it is supposed to be.

I hate change.

I hate disappointments.

I hate how things are unravelling.

I am tired of playing mindgames.

I am fucking sick of thinking too much.

Afraid to say and do the wrong thing.

Why do I get the punishment too?

I don't understand.

I don't wanna be that girl.

It seems like the farther I distance myself from her, the closer I am to becoming her.

It's a pointless battle.

I say one thing and act the other.

Can I just be two people then?

The one who can just move on and remain to be the one who can blindly accept how things are.

Why can't I just say fuck it like how other people would?

Let me vent.

Eventually my thoughts will be clear.

small talk

I generally don't like small talk.

It can get uncomfortable and awkward without any warning. A question only answered with a yes or no instantly kills the conversation. *cue: rolling tumbleweeds* Then there's the same question every single time that can only result with the same response. It really is no ones fault - that's just how it is.

In saying that, I engage in small talk every day I work. It is necessary to build some sort of a relationship that is needed given our situation. It is not enough to play the part of "I'm your nurse and you're the patient". It just doesn't work that way.

The most recent one I've had with a patient was about their gadget-like toilet I've only seen, so far, in Japan. Now, that's a small talk I don't mind engaging in - light and different. It reminds me of a Seinfeld episode where George felt offended that his girlfriend didn't think that talking about washroom stalls were interesting enough. On the contrary, I say it is.

Who wants to talk about the same old thing when there's a million more topics out there?
-----------------

Disclaimer:
(1) I am a victim and a perpetrator of small talk
(2) Example of small talk: How's work? / Good. / That's good. / Yeah / *awkward pause* / It's nice to see you again / Yeah. It's been a while. / *awkward pause* / I'll see you next time then / *end of small talk*
----------------

I woke up feeling well rested only to be disappointed when I checked my clock and realized only two hours passed and its only 3:30.

Sigh.
---------------

Random:
(1) Why do people feel the need to air their dirty laundry? Is it just me or some things are just meant to be personal?
(2) I am officially staying away from malls or any place that the card can effortlessly glide and put a dent on my bank account.
(3) The doctor wants to see me to "discuss the results". This is what happens when you complain that the doctor never calls you to tell you about tests you've done. Come and see me again = something is abnormal. Erm.
(4) I am too cellphone dependent.
(5) I want an Ipad. Just because.
---------------

Patient: Will you get offended if I tell you something?
Me: No, no, go ahead.
Patient: You look like you're 12.
Me: It'll be a compliment when I'm 40.
---------------

I'm babbling because it's 6 am and there's no one to talk to.

This would be the perfect time to have a small talk with anyone. Erm.

sleep escapes me

I just spent a good hour reading random messages to the now defunct, at least in my books, Friendster. It's quite a memory lane I must say. At least five years of randomness still preserved that provide tidbits of insight to what my life was back then.

It's the only reason I hold on to it. It's like the box of letters from grade/highschool that I know one day I'll eventually let go.
-----------------------

Once again, I woke up at 3 am wondering whether I had a dream or merely worrying about things I have no control of. The line can be blurry sometimes.
-----------------------

I have two group of friends - married and the other in long term relationships.

The married ones say that I should still enjoy my life and do whatever I want to while the other continue to question whether we have plans to tie the knot soon.

Hmmm.

Is it the greener-on-the-other-side syndrome?
----------------------

The birds are chirping away already.
That can't be good.

Must. Go. Back. To. Sleep.

how long

I didn't realize it's been too long since I blurted something here.

It's actually been long enough that I have forgotten which email account I was using. Erm.
----------------

It has been a great weekend working nights as the in-charge nurse this last weekend. If only for the feeling of "this is too good to be true" that never fails to enter my mind every 30 minutes or so, didn't bother me so much. Being pessimistic seems to be easier than being optimistic these days.

We all keep looking at each other, everytime the phone rings expecting a sudden rush of admissions.

I almost didn't mind working nights for once.
----------------

J keeps joking that I somehow tricked him into believing that I am a nice, lovely girl. Apparently I have become a nagger (THE HORROR!!) and too mataray. Erm. I say he turned me into whatever he thinks I am now. HMP!
----------------

I'll be going on a short trip with my sister soon and so far, we're already not coming to terms with what we should do there. I said I wanted to see a store (that they only have in that place) and she says just go to something similar here. Hmmm.

This is turning out to be like how it was when we went to Philippines. :S
---------------

I have nothing brilliant to share.

fill in the blanks

Mental block.

------------------------

I need something to do.

I want a new experience this summer that can place a check mark on my bucket list (that I didn't officially make yet).

J is planning to trade his car for an automatic family-friendly car.

He says he'll have his sports car back someday.

Sure.

If I can afford to wear dresses every other day this summer, I would.

If it's appropriate to wear shorts and t-shirt everywhere I go, I would.

If it didn't feel like a freezer on some buses, I wouldn't get sick.

Breakfast potluck at work is a good way to start the day.

Unfortunately, it also makes me lazy.

Another good thing? It's a good bribe for the doctors to stay a little longer.

------------------

Mental block.

better to write

To whom it may concern:

Please stop testing my patience. I am a very compassionate person - if I may say so, but you are pushing my buttons effortlessly and without regard. I do not mean to be rude and I'm certainly not ignoring you, I am merely doing what I need to do. So please, let's not repeat what happened last night.

Thank you,
your overworked nurse
-----------------------

There are days I just need to call in sick for a mental health day. It's emotionally tiring to see people suffer. It's almost as tiring to accomodate every little requests, needs and wants while I do the medical side of it.

Eight hours of work last nigh definitely felt longer. It was evident with my tiny paper full of scribbled notes.

Just another work day.
---------------------

There is hope that I will get my vacation afterall. It just means I will have to work 3-4 days straight before and after my vacation.

Sacrifices. Sacrifices.

mirror, mirror on the wall

J bought me a dress today to prove a point.

He wants to prove that he knows what looks good on me even if I don't think so. Initially, he pointed at body-hugging black dress but I refused to try it on. I argued that I do not have the (curvy) body to fill it out at the right places. This has been my plight because there are only a few stores where I can buy clothes I can confidently wear because they fit right or acceptable enough.

Sigh.

Where do skinny people buy their clothes?! And no, I am not willing to spend hundreds and hundreds of dollars. Erm.

Self-esteem takes a beating sometimes.
--------------------

Today will also mark the first time I actually went to an alteration place. The lady there might become my bestfriend if the two dresses I brought turn out okay.
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I am having memory problems.
(1) I've been entering my card number online after memorizing it in a week then suddenly - mental block. I kept entering my cellphone number. Wth.
(2) I did laundry and forgot to put detergent in.
(3) I would immediately forget what my patient asked for after 5 minutes. Erm.

Is it stress???
-------------------

I will find a way to get vacation this summer. Even if it means I have to beg and cry to get it. Yes, I am desperate.

toink, toink

Strange.

I feel strange.

Writing it twice like that, it almost makes me doubt my spelling.

Again, I say strange.
------------------

Dear J,

How long are you going to make me wait?

Love,
Your impatient girlfriend
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My arms are sore. My back is aching. I last worked on Thursday, so what's the problem?! *unintentional rhyming* All I know is I'll be finishing a tube of Rub-A535 tonight.

The funny thing is my parents think I'm a weakling. They asked if I could carry their TV out of their room for a replacement but wanted to do it with them. I said it's better if I just do it myself as it will be harder. The TV is only a fraction of what I carry at work. Erm.
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Our family doctor is retiring and we are doctorless. We have a few prospects but the one they chose is not a bus away. At least, not something I'd consider to be that accessible as it would take me longer than 30 minutes. Erm.

As much as I hate visiting the doctor, I need to soon enough. I think my physical check-up has been way overdue. Sigh.
-------------------

My head is clouded with nonsense.

it's may already!

Today, I received a thank you card.

In between back-ache-inducing work, snotty remarks and frustrations, I felt a sense of accomplishment. Once again, I felt that I do make a difference.

Even more satisfying is the fact that this particular patient is also a nurse.
--------------

I finally received my tax rebate. It means I can pay off some debt and maybe return some of it in my savings account that seems to be only increasing as fast as a snail's pace.

I also managed to force myself to shop for basic t-shirts and tanks, picking up sure-that-looks-good as I passed by the aisle. I can't seem to find anything I love and if I did, I talked myself out of it for fear of overspending unnecessarily. On the other hand, I bought J a leather jacket. :S For some reason, I hate it when he goes to a store, looks at a particular thing for a long time then proceed to say, "maybe next time".

Sigh.

That can't be right.

i must be another year older

The weekend was both fun and tiring. I celebrated my birthday on three separate occasions - at home, dinner with J and a gathering after church. The last one happened because J's parents found out after a church member greeted me. I don't like to be the center of attention but who says no to a generous gift like that? Erm.
-----------------------

This year, I received money (yey), a single rose and a very amusing card from a friend and a Coach bag.

J for some reason decided not to get me a gift. *rolls eyes* I am somewhat disappointed as I am a very sentimental person. I wasn't expecting an expensive gift but some sort of effort would have been fine. Sure, dinner was great but I like something tangible. I would have appreciated a card or something equally thoughtful and meaningful.

I guess this just proves we are not in the courting phase of our relationship anymore. We are in the comfortable phase wherein things are just "understood". Sigh.

(I'll just have to share the same sentiments on his birthday. Hahaha)
-----------------------

I have yet to receive approval for my June/July vacation. Hmp.

two-six

I am now 26 years old.

I spent the first 10 minutes of my birthday frantically writing the last things I did for my patients. I was very optimistic at the start of the shift but things went downhill after that.

Next year, I'll make sure that I'm not working before, the day of and after my birthday.

----------------

On a side note, J decided to open up the prospect of buying a place together. I coyly said no but since he didn't seem to get the hint, I ended up saying "you haven't even asked me to marry you, you're already asking to buy a place with me?". Of course, it kinda took him by surprise. I gave him a smile and said my good bye as I got out of the car. He was afterall nice enough to pick me up from work and drive me home.

Was that a little to blunt though? Erm.

---------------

I bought myself a new shirt for my birthday. That is all. :S

if i had a penny for everytime...

Only one more week and I'm gonna be another year older! I feel older - in numbers but not in spirit. ;)

--------------------

It's a habit. I click, click and click until I arrive at something interesting. Today, this is what I found:


I just love cherry blossoms. It's a short film called Five Centimeters per Second. I wish to be walking along cherry blossoms in Japan one day. :)
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Two trips to the mall with nothing to show for. What's wrong with me? Am I unconsciously holding my purse a little tighter than usual? Ugh. I can't even find anything new to wear for my birthday. :(
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The weirdest advice I have EVER received: Why don't you get pregnant so your bf would marry you.

Erm.

let me go

Don't let it be true.

I don't want the rule of three's to be true.

Today was day two of feeling down. Outside reflected how we felt inside. Unexpected events that led to news that left us wanting to get it over with. I escaped with four hours less in what could have been a gruesome usual shift. The rest, I hoped for the best.

I want to go away - even for a while.

I need complete detachment. I need some peace of mind.

I'm sorry, it's not your fault.

It really isn't.

paranoia

You know what's hard about being in the medical field? It's the paranoia that comes with it. The fear of losing my license because I didn't document something that happened or something I may or may not have done. It's that nagging feeling that if I forget to do something important it will haunt me three years later in a court case. It's tiring. My stress level and sanity is always on the line. Being a nurse means that I don't get to go home and leave my work where it belongs, at work. It follows me everywhere I go.

Did I also mention that I am constantly thinking about what kind of diseases I may or can have? Do you know how many patients of mine are in their 20s? It's depressing. It's scary. It's unbelievable.

Sometimes, I really don't know why I chose this profession.

It's one of those days that I can't possibly vent at work anymore. We are all in it. Unfortunately, I can't vent to anyone outside of the medical field either, no one understands. Besides, is it really fair for them to share these kind of things?

Sigh.

I'm done.

ups and downs

I finally had the chance to use what I had learned in elementary - alphabet sign language. In between communicating with gestures, writing on a pad, using an interpreter and broken sign language, I think things went well.

I actually feel good about something.

It's been a long time.
--------------------

This weekend, I managed to walk away with my sanity and cool intact. One of my pet peeves is when people talk to me as if I don't understand what they're saying when they're clearly just being hard-headed (and other other words I won't use) and unreasonable.

I wanted to scream "do you hear yourself talking?!!!!" but instead manage to blurt out "what would you like me to do?".

Do I need to wear a disclaimer on my badge that says: (a) I AM NOT YOUR SLAVE (b) You don't know what you're talking about (c) think before you talk

Ugh. I should stop before I actually say something. Erm.
--------------------

Sunshine when I'm working then rain when it's my weekday/end off. Hmp.

i like your warmth

Did I already mention that I'm a jealous girlfriend? If so, then I am saying it again. Sigh.
----------------

During a sleepover at J's, I woke up after a brief nightmare. I was so scared that I had to wake him up to tell him I had a bad dream but didn't dare to go in to details. You see, I am tied to the past. My subconscious seems to always connect about the days in Philippines whether or not I think about it/them.

It's always about the past or work-related dreams. I don't know why but I want it to stop.

I would like it if I don't have dreams or at least not have to wake up in the middle of the night with a bad one.
----------------

My birthday plans are not working out - (1) I am working nights, which means I'll be at work when the clock strikes midnight. Sigh. (2) I've been invited to a gathering on my birthday weekend. I am torn. (3) I don't know what to do
---------------

This weekend will be lovely. I promise (to try) to be a little more patient, a little more cheery and a little less mad.

fly away

Aside from the sudden craving for chocolates, I am currently singing:

I want to get away

I want to fly away

Yeah, yeah, yeah

(Lenny Kravitz)

I don't know what it says about the state of my mind recently but I'm sure it's some sort of sign.

-----------------

After slowly peeling myself off work-mode and on to the comforts of a firm bed on our lounge for a break, my mind buzzed with negativities. I couldn't sleep yet again. Fortunately, Serendipity was showing and I am once again distracted. Why is it that we/I almost always root for couples to break up when they find another person by chance? I mean when it comes to real life, it isn't as romantic as it looks in TV. Well, save for the new couple that gets together that is. Erm. Then again, destiny is destiny and the world has better plans for everyone involved.

As the movie ended, so does my break. I groggily went back to work and told my coworker about not being able to sleep again and about the movie. She replied with, "I hate that movie. That girl is so flaky/flighty". It made me wonder how many of us can actually jump in the unknown without knowing what will happen tomorrow and leave it to chance or destiny?

My mind is in disarray.

---------------------

My birthday is slowly approaching and I have yet to make a list of what I would like to buy or get. Erm. My sister already gave me a gift because she said it's been sitting in her closet for a few weeks and "it's getting old". I have another Coach bag! Yey! I've been thinking of getting another bag and one has already caught my eye with a stern disapproval from my pocket. Aside from that, nothing seems to make it to "the list". Sigh.

--------------------

I am now going to hunt for chocolates.

w.t.h.

I had a wth moment today. I am trying to censor myself because saying wtf is making me even more irritated. I hate it. The phrase was circulating in my head over and over again taunting me. I had to hold myself back and think happy thoughts before I do something I will regret.

Why is it hard to trust people? I try to be nice and tada, some people think it's okay to do whatever. Well, WTH. I mean really...wth.

Next time, I won't bother to ask. Lesson learned if you ask me.
-------------------------------

Hello Spring, welcome back!

guilty as charged

Yesterday, I received a dozen pink roses and a bear holding a heart with an I love you scribbled in it. J was once again guilty of something. He showed up in my house without calling me first knowing that I would have told him he's not invited to my sister's birthday anymore if he did.

I am a sucker for sorry's and he is an expert in saying it. Sadly, it's a perfect combination if you ask me.

I still tell him that he does things out of guilt.
-----------------

Every now and then, we engage in "deep talks". We usually don't agree and we're both stubborn enough to insist we're right. Sometimes, I just like to say things to push his buttons because I want to know how his mind works.

So far, I can proudly say I have "won" one such debate and the rest are a draw.
-----------------

We have a wedding to attend to in a few months and I am already dreading the questions of when our turn will be. I really just wish J would lie and pretend he has a plan and say "maybe next year" instead of leaving me hanging to smile and laugh as if I didn't care.

I like plans even if disappointment usually follows. I like plans just for the sake of planning. I like planning to look forward to something.

I seriously want to tell him to just say he's not ready yet than play deaf at their questions.

off with their heads!

Spring is slowly making its way. I can't wait!

I spent most of the sunny weekend looking out the hospital windows. It's not that I would be doing anything exciting if it was my day off anyway but the grass is always greener on the other side. On Sunday, J picked me up from work after an eight hour shift only to be coaxed into helping him clean his car - his pride and joy. Is it wrong that I am jealous? Hahaha.
----------------------------

I wish I was the type of person who finds reason to get out of the house. The type who would take hobby classes, enjoy a stroll in the park alone and participate in social activities. Instead, I'm the type who wants to do something but finds reason not to do it. I churn out the same lame excuses and reason which I despise when someone else (J) does it. Sigh.

I am not exactly sure whether it is money or the lack of company that prevents me. It could also very well be that I like my comfort zone and anything that would entail me to make a little more effort scares me.

When will I say, life is too short to watch it pass by?
---------------------------

Last night, instead of watching Alice in Wonderland, J proposed we eat at Korean BBQ. I happily obliged since I have been deprived of filling my stomach with food for lack of time at work. It took us about two hours to cook and eat! This is why I have somewhat given up on the concept of cooking while hungry.

In the end, J turned to me and said, "this is the longest dinner we've had for a long time".

Fast food has been a friend to us.

40 hours later

It doesn't seem that long ago when I helped J moved from his parent's house to an apartment and back again before a year passed. After much deliberation, he finally bought a place of his own and the moving saga began again.

It has been very tiring to say the least.

This time around, we are (finally) convinced that the extra money you pay for delivery is worth every penny - of course it was too late. We hauled a giant mattress on top of our heads to tie it on top of the van while it was freezing cold. By the time we were at his place, he couldn't convince me to do any other work except prepare the take-out soup for late dinner.
----------------------

I had another preview of what life would be if I married J:

- I need earplugs to sleep
- grocery shopping will consist of buying 4 items everyday instead of one good shopping trip with everything you need for a week. ugh.
- cost vs. use. I had to convince him that paying good money for something you will use often/everyday (ie. jeans, shoes, bed) is better than buying according to price and have it replaced more often
- I will be picking up after him. ugh.
- he takes longer than I do to get ready (and that's including make-up)
- we're both competing for who can have a shorter attention span
- I hate browsing/window shopping (esp furniture) and he could do it all day, everyday
- closet space will consist of 2/3s his and 1/3 mine

----------------------

I can't wait for summer.
I am done with this cold season.

roses are red

Yesterday was Valentine's Day and last night was spent at a hotel hall with members and guests of the church - dining and dancing.

We didn't really dance because as J said, "I was waiting for a slow song" to which I countered with a disappointed tone, "how would we know if they played one if we were outside?". Erm. I gave him credit though, he bought a dozen roses and convinced two girls to come up to me during dinner and scream happy Valentine's. I melted inside - from the inquiring stares I felt and the actual sweetness of his gesture.

I guess I just need to give him a break. He does try.
------------------

Today is our anniversary and I didn't buy him any thing. I think we're kind of pass that. I did give him a card that says, Sometimes I wonder why I put up with you - (inside) it's probably because you put up with me.
-----------------

Mushy things aside
- I had the biggest banana-choco-hazelnut crepe. YUM!
- I wish I have longer lashes (haha)
- my coworker tried to convince me to switch shifts and end up working 4 nights straight. erm.
- I am now saying boink everytime I go up and down the stairs. :S

word game

I feel disconnected. Is that even the right word? Maybe, indifferent is better. It's really hard to describe.

Blah?

Blurb?

... ?

I believe I can be described as a downer right now. Yup. I think so.

vent #19

Yesterday, my mind just about exploded as I organized the million and one things I had to do. I had to step out for about 10 minutes every now and then to take a break and have peace and quiet. You see, having your name called by 5 different people in different directions while the phone rings on top of the call bell signals can be confusing if not frustrating. It is even more impossible when two or three people talk to you simultaneously about different things. :S

And after all that you are still expected to know the state of about 30 patients - down to the last detail.

Blurb.

Then finally, you get the complaints about why you did something a certain way. Erm. Sometimes I want to say, do you want to do this instead and we'll see how much better you can do it? Sigh.

I love my job. I love my job. I love my job.
-------------

Oh Dr. X, can you make sure you sign off that order?
You don't have to call me doctor you know, just X.
I just thought coz some people like to be called that.
No, no. Not me.
----------------

Winter is back from break and would like its presence be felt once again.